Saturday, December 26, 2009

im just flat tired of being put second.
it seems like oh hey ya we can hang out.
wait imma go do this better thing than ill come see you.
im not the only female with the problem.
it seems guys these days are all jerks.
no matter what.
its like somewhere guys being born after 1980
got the "im refusing to let my friends go" gene
& "i refuse to be tied down" gene
somewhere a healthy relationship consists of
*spending minimal time together
*having your very own life that doesnt involve the other person
* & not keeping plans.
im so frustrated i could cry
im so tired of being let down that now im just done expecting anything

The less you expect the less you hurt.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Christmas Has Come & Passed

Merry Christmas everyone! I cant believe its another year gone! Wow where has the time went. My beloved family left for California this morning early so Christmas was just Andy, Kristofer & I. I cant say that I've had a better Christmas than the one I had this year. Kristofer lucked out with some Ben 10 guys, tech dechs & ramp, clothes & other random things that 6 year old boys think make their days so much easier. I got Andy some new clothes & cologne. He was such a sweet heart blessed me with socks, a belt & a Weezer shirt -my all time favorite band- & this beautiful ring with a January stone in it for the month we started dating. We headed out to the dog park & spent sometime at his house with his brother Grady. Rachael made some delicious dinner and the kids had a good time playing. Now Im home making sure the mess is cleaned up from breakfast and presents. About ready to pop in a movie and cuddle up in my blankets on the couch. I hope everyone had a great Christmas like I did!

P.s All through the day I have received pictures of the most beautiful Princess who is growing ever so fast! It just puts the biggest brightest smile on my face seeing how she is big enough to open her presents & loves to carry a purse! Aw I cant wait until i can visit her again. Im sure she is like a whole different baby! I didnt realize how much i am missing her until i started to write this. She is such a blessed little girl . Josh & Lizzy are so wonderful to me!

Friday, December 11, 2009

Everythings a little messy around my life these days, but i can always count on this to make me smile & remember the great blessings in my life! What a beautiful little family!

Monday, December 7, 2009

The big Beautiful Family.

Sometimes i wonder where on earth this kid came from! I swear no less then 15 pictures & a threatened bed time & a spankin. We got none with us both smiling. Everyone was laughing so he just kept on going with the faces. I swear if anyone knows where he came from let me know!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Today is the day I left the hospital with MY beautiful daughter, & placed her with Josh & Lizzy as THEIR beautiful daughter.

So many memories today. Getting my angel dressed in her special going home outfit. The car drive over to LDS Family Services. Sitting with Josh & Lizzy talking, cuddling the girl. Handing Mara to her Mom. Hugging when I was about to leave without my most precious item I had walked in there with. Driving home. Opening the gifts Josh & Lizzy had given me. The one that stands out most & forever will be in my mind is when I was sitting on the couch next to my mom about an hour after I had first gotten home... I got scared that Mara was scared. I was afraid she didnt know them. She didnt know their voices. That she wasnt used to them, she was used to me. ...

Now I can sit and realize that she did know them.
She wasnt afraid.
She knew that this was her plan before she was even born.

Sunday, November 8, 2009


The day has come. Beautiful Mara is no longer a baby she is a toddler! A year old and walking like crazy! I was in awe when I got some pictures from Josh & Lizzy from her first birthday party! This morning as I was getting ready for church, Lizzy called. How thoughtful for her to call and and ask if I wanted to talk to the sweet girl on her birthday! I was in a little bit of shock and trying my dang hardest not to start crying! My heart is so very full with love for Josh & Lizzy and their thoughtfulness and love for me. I was afraid today was going to be full of tears and sadness, but instead my heart is so full. Today was a great day and I wouldnt of asked for two better parents for my sweet angel!

Mara Jane, i love you! I miss you ever so dearly! It will never be said enough. You have grown into such a beautiful little girl over the last year! More precious than I ever thought possible!

Friday, November 6, 2009

The tears are plenty today.
Its been a very long week of TAN DUVETS!
A long week counting down the days til Miss Mara turns one.
I havent posted Halloween pictures, soon, i promise.
I knew a package was coming.
All week I have been wondering what it was going to hold.
Josh & Lizzy always send the sweetest things
& the nicest notes.
So I have been anxious. . .
I arrive home & just feel like I need to check the mail.
There is was a little white box.
No one is home which I am glad for.
Inside I find a gift bag, so cute, for her birthday party.
Two CD's, 1 for Kristofer pictures of her & him.
Another with pictures from when she was born & just little.
* by this time I am sobbing *
2 letters....
First from Lizzy, she tells me how glad she is to "know" me,
she says Mara is like me, skeptical grin, easy laugh, resilient & happy.
& that Mara always gets 2 kisses in the morning & the night from her.
Second from Josh, he says thank you for their little princess,
how fulfilling this year has been for him,
& how beautiful his Lizzy is being a mother.

I just want to say, that when I state that I miss Mara, its not a miss like I want her back or regret, I just miss her, I miss Josh & Lizzy in the same way. From May to November I formed a bond with two completely strangers that no one really understands, except us.

Every single day I pray & hope that Lizzy is giving her that extra kiss from me * & i got that conformation today *. The last couple days have been filled with emotion & memories leading up to her birth 1 year ago. The emotional preparations I was going through, hoping I could get through the next step of getting her to her family. I dont think of Mara as my daughter, she is Lizzys & Joshs daughter. They are her mom & dad. She is My Angel, I am not her mom. I am in Josh's words :: The Woman who had enough Faith, Courage, & Love to make an Eternal Family :: & I wouldnt change it for the world!!!

Yes, my heart aches, I am only human. My heart also SHINES! When I see that smile, my heart lights up, my face gets those dimples that only show when I smile a honest happy smile. Although she is so many miles away, & kisses are far between, she brightens every single day for me! She is a joy in my life, she is one of the two reasons I'm striving to be the best I possibly can.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Nothing Better To Do But Blog..

5 snacks i enjoy:
1. Chips, Chips, Chips
2. tomatoes & salt
3. pretzels & cheese
4. avocados.
5. beef jerky

5 things on my to-do list today:
1. laundry
2. blog a little
3. read
4. organize the 'clothes/toy corner'
5. take a nappy

5 things I would do if I were a billionaire:
1. buy a house
2. pay off all debt ..
3. buy some babies
4. invest in what im not sure but something
5. donate.

5 jobs that i have had:
1. Papa Kelseys
2. Post Office
3. Childrens Safari
4. Wal Mart
5. Pillow Talk

5 bad habits of mine:
1. Biting my nails
2. not asking for help when i need it.
3. thinking i can just fix my problems by ignoring them.
4. looking in the baby section everytime.
5. procrastination.

5 places i have lived:
1. Mesa
2. Apache Junction
3. Tucson
4. Mesa
5. Mesa

5 songs I love:
1. Fifteen- taylor swift
2. You dont know me - Ben folds
3. Paparazzi -lady gaga
4. Fidelity - Regina spektor
5. Wrong turn - jack johnson

5 places I want to visit:
1. hawaii
2. paris
3. amsterdam
4. germany
5. china

5 things I want to accomplish in life:
1. finish school for my undecided future
2. being a FABULOUS wife.
3. being a great mommy.
4. truly being happy with ME.
5. have a room full of beautiful pictures, quotes & chairs

Friday, October 16, 2009

"A Birthmother puts the needs of her child above the wants of her heart"
Skye Hardwick

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


No words can describe this girl



I know I am a day early but ..
Happy 11 Months My Girl!
Beautiful, Perfect, Amazing, Gorgeous, Laughter, Brightness,
Angel, Heavenly, Smiles, Happiness, LOVE.
I can go on forever with the words that come to my mind
when I see this adorable face.
My heart is full today with love for that girl!
In one month she will be a year old.
I am in a way trying to put time on hold
while i ponder what that day is going to be like.
November is going to be a hard one.
Im sure it will be filled with many many posts of
last years events.

Miss Mara Jane,
I love you! I miss you!
I am lucky that I have the relationship that I have with your parents!
I am truly blessed that you came into my life.
I couldn't of asked for a more beautiful gift.
Not one minute of any day has went by in the last 11 months
that I havent thought of you.
That I havent ached to kiss you or hold you.
I am truly lucky that your mommy and daddy give you enough love for all of us.
I love you my sweet angel!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

i am: stubborn, feisty, strong willed, & hardheaded
i think: tomorrow is always better than today
i know: i need to be stronger in a lot of ways
i want: to get married again
i have: dreams of a black wedding dress!
i wish: it would rain
i dislike: pregnant woman
i miss: mara jane
i fear: no one will give me babies
i feel: like things are falling into place FINALLY
i hear: the water running
i smell: air
i crave: water
i usually: cant fall asleep in the pitch dark
i search: for reasons why people do things
i wonder: if its going to work out
i regret: that i didnt say goodbye in a better way
i love: kristofer david sluyter
i care: what people think too much
i always: play with my hair
i worry: that ill be an old cat lady
i am not: weak anymore
i remember: it like it was yesterday.....
i believe: that its not goodbye its see you soon
i dance: whenever there is music on!
i sing: to the radio far too loud
i don’t always: do what i know i should
i argue: open adoption
i write: about everything
i win: never
i lose: a lot
i never:want to hurt again
i listen: very well
i don't understand: why people cheat
i can usually be found: on the couch reading
i am scared: of being alone
i need: kristofers smile daily
i forget:everything
i am happy about: the fact that i am stronger today than i ever thought i would be!


Im sorry to all pregnant woman who read my blog

Today I hate pregnant girls


Sunday, October 4, 2009 need to read...

the reason im writing on my blog is because my journal is in storage and i just needed to get some stuff out!

This weekend i went to the cabin with Diane and the kids.
It was a lot of fun.
The kids played outside, the weather was super nice.
We made some great food and just hung out.

We had some great talks..
i love Di.
I love who she is as a person, a mother, a friend.. she is fun.
Di seems to be where I was almost two years ago.
Crying countless nites alone,
wondering why im just not good enough
for anyone to fight for, why am i so disposable.
she hasnt yet grasp that its okay to be alone.
that it shouldnt take someone else to make her happy
she should be loving herself and not worrying about otheres.

As i sat with her and just was so frustrated because she is better than that.
i realized im falling back into that same girl.
dependent on others for my smile, for my great mood.
i dont want to be that girl anymore. EVER AGAIN!

It breaks my heart to see her hurt,
i get so frustrated and want to scream at her because she is better than this.

i sat and told her about how when i got pregnant
i had no other choice but to be alone
it wasnt going away.
when i woke up that baby was still gonna be there
and i was still gonna be alone
i had to force myself to accept it.
& i can look back and see that those were the happiest days of my life
the happiest i have ever been was when i wasnt dependent on anyone else

i dont know how to get back to that.
i sit and tell Di she is so much better
but how do i take my own advice?
its a lot harder than it seems

its been 11 months since i have been that happy
my mara took a part of my happiness with her when she left
i want to fill it up with a new happiness
one that isnt produced by one else but me

im pretty sure im destined to be single FOREVER!
and i think thats ok
single fits me

Friday, October 2, 2009

I should be packing...
but instead i decided to update my blog.

going up north with Di & her honey & her kids
Kristofer is beyond excited he didnt want to go to school.
but he has already missed two days this week.
Sick. he was sick..

Btw i am NOT turning lesbian Audra.
Di gets me.
hangs out with me when im feeling sad
even wears her hair in a side pony tail just to see me smile again.
I can be a crying wreck and think that no one is going to understand
why i am crying for no good reason,
and she gets it.
Makes me go out even when I dont want to.
Shes fun, although not lesbian lol

i have been missing the girl
often i think * how did I ever do it *
next month is one year.
where has the time gone!
i miss my pregnant belly
her wigglin around in there

over the saddness
gotta go shower
and pack ..

My mom never lets me have any fun
just so everyone knows!

The Princess

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Random Venting

Sometimes i just dont know...
you would think that me of all people would learn my lesson.
I would get it.
I wouldn't want to walk back down the road I have so many times.
I'm having a rough time with Andy.

Why is it that i so willingly give my whole self to someone
and the only thing they give back is more heart ache than the last.

I feel sad for him that he will never truly love.
That he assumes lust as love.
He so easily let his lust for someone else get the best of him.
Regardless of the girl that was at home,
the girl that was working so very hard to make sure we stayed a float
when he didn't want to work.

Now today I sit..
He sent a text he deleted all pictures off his phone and myspace.
No big deal to anyone else right?
Well when asked to do the same i couldn't.
I sat and looked and realized that was a memory.
It was a time when i felt happy.

I hope this time around i get it..
i don't want to walk down this road of hurt anymore
I so badly don't want to be here ever again.

i love you. I will always love you. You brought out a side of me I didn't know was there. You helped me realize its okay to not have a plan, its okay to spend even when you shouldn't. Life is too short to sit and dwell on everything wrong. I want to see that guy again someday. That guy that made me smile. The guy that tried to be something else because he wanted to impress me that very first night. I hope you find that guy and give him fully to the next person who loves you as much as i love that guy....

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The Little Things..

Yep see that boy? Thats why shes banging on the window..
Josh and Lizzy you guys sure are in trouble with this girl!

Last night I was just sitting around with my friend Di, and I get this ever to random text. Let me first explain that this kind of random text are perfect! They put a smile on my face from ear to ear. Of course it was from Josh & Lizzy! Dang I just love them! They are so sweet to me!
Mara Janes 10 Favorite Things at 10 Months
1. She loves ice cold water (it must have ice)
2.She likes toast (but first licks the jam off)
3. She bangs on the wall in the morning when she is ready to get up or yells DAD, DAD because Dad gets her up)
4.Her newest feat -as of yesterday- is crawling up the stairs \
rather quickly
5. She loves baths
6.She loves loves to be outside

7. She can sign "more" & does it immediately after every bite, when she really likes something ( like right now as Liz is feeding her yogurt)
8. She calls the dog by his name, Brody -or rather "Bow-ee"
9.She loves being around other kids
10. She loves to watch football with her daddy, especially in her cowboys jersey
This my friends is one of the many reasons I am lucky. A reason why I would tell anyone to choose Adoption. A reason I just think Mara has the best parents! A reason that I call Josh & Lizzy family!
I love you guys thank you for making my day!

Friday, September 18, 2009

Oh Life

Ugh today has been one of those days..
im sure it has a lot to do with the fact that its been a rough week.
Andy and I have parted ways,
and so have my job and myself.
Both are good changes.
I cant decide what career i want to do now,
but i dont think its in child care.
yes i love it and want to further my education
but at the end of such a long day i am stressed
any little thing kristofer does makes me want to scream!
I am sad that andy and i have to be apart
and cant even be friends
i wish that there was more nice things i could say
but at this moment there is nothing worth saying.
except i wish him the best.. with his many girlfriends
*that he thought I wouldnt find out about*
okay maybe im a little bitter...

I have had some nice chats with a friend from my teenage yrs lately
he has been making me see that i have been putting up with dirt.
it is so sad to report that when someone says nice things to me
it makes me cry more than the mean things.
today i had my friend Di's kids ::2 & 3 ::
we went about our day picked up kristofer
got snacks drove around * yes it 3 kids makes a very loud car ride *
i texted him and said that three kids was a lot to handle
his reply literally made my heart skip
* your a strong person & if anyone can do it its you *
lately i havent been feeling that great about anything
and its nice to know that there is someone who sees what im doing
and maybe thinks its ok.

Audra also wrote a very sweet post on the blog
about her amazing birthmothers
that brought me right back to that day at Joes.
last yr i had two best friends
who were expecting their very first baby
and i was expecting the most changing event in my life
we all got though it ok..

Thursday, September 17, 2009

the r house

I am a follower of a blog "the r house"
I have a button on my page that goes to their page
EVERYONE I know and who follows my blog should read
& follow this blog

I dont know them personally,
but my heart aches for the struggles they are going through

in my very own situation with Mara
I would NOT give anyone false hope
I would NOT give any couple a letter until I knew
that Maras birth father had no more rights

for me to think about what they are going through saddens me
I pray that their baby gets the blessings his birth mother wanted for him


Tuesday, September 15, 2009

:: TODAY ::

I feel the need to express this..

Some day's I cant think of many things I am proud of myself for,
but today I am proud that I can say

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

10 Whole Months Ago..

304 days ago..
doesnt really seem that long ago.
that cry, that smell, that sweet baby skin...
everytime i think it gets easier every emotion is pushed back into my heart.
all the aches, all the tears, all the baby giggles im missing out on,
are worth it though.

the joy i gave to two people.
the joy i gave to that girl,
by simply giving life!

somedays i get so angry!
I dont know how anyone in their right mind could not give life!
it makes me angry when i think of it.
when i hear people talk of it.
its such a simple thing,
just giving life..

I feel so many different emotions today. I am so grateful for Josh & Lizzy. So grateful they opened their hearts to me. So much fear on both sides that i think we both overcame.. I know i couldnt of overcome that fear without them. Josh & Lizzy I love you your simply amazing

My heart hurts a little. I miss her.

Miss Mara Jane happy 10 months!
I love you!
I miss you!
I hope your always told how much your Birthmother loves you.
& i hope you always get that kiss thats just from me!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Look Look Look

Josh & Lizzy took Mara to Bear Lake where they have land and one day will have a home. I cant believe how big she is and how much she has grown.

From baby to best in moments..

Oh my gosh! Look at that girl! I am speachless. I have so much to say but emotions are high today so im not sure if this will be a long post...
I have been missing Lizzy & Josh..I felt like i shouldnt be saying that but some how someone up there knew i needed to hear some sweet words. All i can say is thank you Lizzy you made my day....

Monday, August 10, 2009

He took that leap...

and did great..

Kristofer had his very first day of school today.
As it was Josh's week we played the little game as always,
he didnt know what time he was taking him blah blah blah
To the good part,
I cried the whole way to the school,
everyone said ::do not cry in front of him ::
as im hugging him on the playground my eyes are just moist.
He walked right into his class,
his teacher gave him his name tag and that was it.
He took that little hand and wiped my kiss off.
Oh man..
as i walked out the classroom down the hall
i noticed that i was not the only mom crying in the hall.

Kristofer my little :: you are always my little.
you will always be my little
no matter what sorry...
i love you big boy

Monday, July 20, 2009

My little is no longer little...

Ugh my little beast is no longer going to be my little beast anymore. August 10th 2009 my darling sweet Kristofer will have his very first day of kindergarten. Ugh I cant even think about it without my eyes tearing up. Where has the time gone from just turning two and loving Finding Nemo to now five and loving nothing but Batman, Superman, and Spiderman. He has grown from the smallest most loving little chunk i have ever set eyes on, to a macho boy who fights me day in and day out to wear ripped jeans and guitar hero shirts everyday! He just wants to "look cool" as he says. I dread the day that he will wipe off my kisses or tell me not to hug him goodbye when I drop him off somewhere. He is my baby, my one and only baby and now he is growing into a boy a little rambuncious superhero loving boy.. Oh Kristofer my boy i love you, please stop growing your giving me baby fever!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I know its been a minute since I have updated my blog.
Truth is nothing to update sadly.
I received a text from Lizzy that said Mara is crawling.. finally.
No new pictures.
As soon as I am updated I will be updating.

Sunday, June 21, 2009


Today he referred to me by my whole name Princess Katt.
Not just to me, in sacrament meeting during his talk.
He told a very sweet story that did make my eyes get leaky,
but i couldnt let it show, in true Gillespie fashion.
Over the years I have put my dad through some "stuff"
rough not so nice "stuff"
i am fortunate enough to have a forgiving dad.
who loves me even though i break his heart sometimes.
who took me to vegas,
and has shared a very rough time with me.
thank you for your many blessings,
the few times you said I love you,
even to just make Emilee mad :)
Thank you daddy for being a great example.
For leading me the best you knew how.
And supporting & loving me through all i do.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

The Legacy of a Child in an Open Adoption

By Brenda Romanchick

Once there were two expectant mothers.
One carried and cared for you beneath her beating heart
She became your Birthmother.

The other carried the hope of you within her.
She became your Mom.

As the days passed, and you grew bigger and stronger,
Your Birthmother knew that she could not give you all you needed after your birth.
Meanwhile, your Mom was ready and waiting for you.

One day your Birthmom and your Mom found each other.
They looked into each other’s eyes and saw a friend.
Your Birthmom saw the life your Mom could give you.
Your Mom saw how much your Birthmom loved and cared for you.

They decided that what you needed was both kinds of love in your life.

So now you have two families,
One by birth, the other by adoption.

And you have a home where you can get:
your questions answered,
your boo boos bandaged,
your heartaches soothed,
And much needed hugs.

And a place where you can find:
answers to your questions,
your image in the mirror,
a part of yourself,
And much needed hugs.

Two different kinds of families
Two different kinds of love
Both a part of you

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Thursday, June 4, 2009

As everything draws closer it brings me to remember...

Ill never forget that day.
Memorial Day 2008.
Went to the river tubing,
had a fight with Jordan,
Got coffee with my friend Sean,
& went to mom & dads for the comfort of their home.
For only a week had I been looking.
Emilee & I sat at the computer.
Countless faces that just yearn for a baby.
I had it all figured out.
A clear image of what I thought they would be.
What I needed for my daughter.
If it wasnt going to be me parenting her,
it HAD to be someone just like me.
A father like mine.
A husband that I hoped one day to find.
& yet NO ONE seemed right.
Than there it was,
A loving couple who still have time for cookies & milk.
They were beautiful.
I looked over their profile.
Read their personal letter.
They had a link to their blog.
The same blog I wonder to daily.
& I just knew.
There was no question in my mind.
Every birthmother says it the same way,
you just know.
I got very excited.
I had told myself that I would not write anyone
unless I was sure.
I didnt want to give anyone false hope.
So I wrote a simple email.
3 days went by without an email.
I was confused.
Turns out it was sent to my junk mail lol.
We emailed and emailed.
I wanted to meet them.
June 21 2008.
We met for the very first time.
Joes Bbq in Gilbert.
I was nervous, scared, could hardly breath.
Nothing to be afraid of.
Just like 2 old friends,
we chatted for almost 3 hours.
Weekend came & went.
As everything is getting so close to the year mark.
I cant help but go back to those days.
The days of being pregnant & alone.
The days of fear of what was next,
what was gonna happen after?
June 6th 2009, Mara Jane is theirs.
Sealed & blessed and forever theirs.
The list of emotions is long as I prepare to leave.
Although I cant wait to see that beautiful face,
I am scared for the roller coaster of emotions
that I am so not prepared for,
in the next few days ahead.......

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Guess what?


Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Mara Update

No doubt a Gillespie baby,
at heart!
She has the rolls to show it.
Beautiful Girl!
She is nearing 7 months!
I cant even believe it.
Where has the time gone?
9 days til Vegas!
I love you Mara Jane

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Catching up!

Kristofer now thinks he is a mountain man.
I cant even believe it!
He cracks me up!
I love this kid.
He is adorable and always keeps me on my toes!
Best part is he is a mamas boy
so he loves me best!

Its Final!
Josh & Lizzy had their court date 5/19,
Now Mara is officially theirs!
The wks are flying by!
Its getting super close to my next visit!
cant wait!
Kristofer is SUPER excited,
to see his sister!

Lets see in other news.....
I finally went back to group!
Man I have missed it!
I didnt realize and didnt want to but it was great.
Just sitting with girls that you KNOW are going through
or are about to go through
the same struggles you are
is comforting.
No one really gets it but them.
Birthmothers day * the saturday before mothers day*
was great! I got flowers from the Iggys
and a text filled with love!
They are so good to me.
Always so thoughtful.
Mothers day came and went.
Josh didnt give me Kristofer til late.
Andy turned 23! Man he is getting old!
I bought him a RC Boat for his birthday.
He loves it more than me :(
Andy became an uncle again!
His brother's Lady had a pretty little girl Marley.
I finally took my very first visit to the hospital
it wasnt as bad as I was thinking it would be.
Kristofer only has 2 more soccer games.
Last week he totally kicked butt and won his game 8 to 2!
That kid is gonna go places!
Andy and I are doing great.
He is currently building a dirt jump in the back yard!
Ugh that stresses me out!
Im counting down the days and its only 15 til Vegas!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Somedays it just hits me like a ton a of bricks.
Friday was on of those days.
A very sweet letter from Josh & Lizzy sent me into a weeping mess.
Today a video of her laughing on their blog has done the same.
She is growing ever so quickly.
Sittin up and laughing.

It just aches somedays,
to know that very first laugh had to be heard over video,
that her very first steps will im sure be the same.

I am FOREVER greatful that I can be able to see those videos
and am still able to see her grow,
but that pain is just there still.

6 monthes has come way too fast.
I feel everytime a new challenge comes im starting grieving all over again.
I know its because I havent ever let myself deal with it completely.
In one month I will be holding that girl again.
Kissing her sweet face and hearing that laugh all on my own!
Oh i cant wait.
Just the thought gives me that cheesy smile I cant hide!

it also brings on a whole new saddness and wonder.
When will I get to kiss her little cheeks again?

Today is one of those days.
I am counting down the hours til I get off work,
til im home all by myself,
so i can cry.
Today I just need to cry and miss that girl........

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Thank You Dawn

I have been into reading a lot lately. I just love it. Everyone is always shocked to see me with a book in my hand. One night I called Dawn and asked her for a good book. She gave me a book called "Love & Grace" Let me just tell you, Dawn you pulled on my heart strings. I have been having a hard time lately wondering why I had to go through this? Why everyday am I faced with such heart ache? I know why, there where two people that needed me. Two people that needed a baby that they could not give each other. Heavenly Father trusted me. He had enough faith and trust in me that I would deliver this beautiful girl to where she needed to be. That after she was done helping me with my own life that she would be with her rightful family. Some days its so hard. I dont even know how i got through those moments in the hospital. How I willingly handed her to another woman and put such faith in her to love her like I would.... In the next month I will be able to know that Mara is where she is supposed to be. That because Josh & Lizzy have lived their life int he way they should their daughter will be theirs forever!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

I tried to convince Mom a while back that if I just try hard to forget it will go away. . .
She being the brilliant Mother she is let me know that wont happen. . . .
I have finally got around to actually making time for Group.
I so dearly miss the other girls, and just being around them,
knowing that there is someone that feels what I do on a daily basis.
Hopefully it will help.
I have not been doing so great lately.

Spent Easter at Andy's Aunt Kathys home.
Went to his sisters dance concert!
She is an amazing dancer.
Kristofer is in soccer! Can you believe that!
He is a great little guy.

Mara's adoption is getting super close to being finalized.
Looks like I will be taking a trip the start of June.
She will be sealed and blessed in the same weekend!
What a blessing to know Mara will have her Eternal Family.

I have nothing really to update otherwise.
Life is flying by.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

This was the sight five months ago today.
The hardest, saddest, toughest day of my life.
Nothing will ever compare to the pain I felt that day,
All with just a signing of my name.
You are no longer her mother
Will forever remain in my mind.
The Twelve of every month is never through,
Until those words have rung in my ears.
The Eight is always a sad day, but also happy.
I gave life that day.
Four days later I gave it away.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Frogs no more,
I have found my prince!
A lovely girl like myself
Deserves someone just as lovely.
Andy picked me up from work with this in his car.
We have been together 3 months today.
I can say I couldn't feel happier.
He is that one guy who appreciates me,
loves me with all my faults,
even looks at them in a positive way!
Andy I love you!
Thank you for putting up with me,
standing by my side
supporting everything I do,
and just loving me.
A girl like me just needs someone to love her
now im ready to give you anything
and everything you need!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009


To have Kristofer's Kisses.
That Andy puts up with my moodiness.
That Emilee has pillow fights with me when I need put in line.
To have good friends.
To have a HUGE loving family,
and to be able to create families.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

I love 'em!
I was told once that only 7 yr old girls wear bows.
A day like today is a bow day.
It makes me feel just a little happier inside.

5 Things

5 things I was doing 5 years ago;
Loving not working
Having Kristofer
Waiting for a house to be built
Being some ones wife
Missing my Family

5 things I would do with a million dollars:
Pay off debt
buy a house
buy a car
get a dog
buy a husband

5 placed I have lived
Tucson Az
Sossamon & University
Lindsey & Southern
Princess St

5 jobs I have had:
La Fitness
The Post office
Childrens Safari
Papa Kelseys
Wal Mart

I feel overwhelmed with emotion today.
not the good ones either.
i feel like the start to one of "those days" .
I actually wish it wasnt saturday,
because during the week I drown myself with work
so i dont have a chance to feel like i do today.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain.
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.
~Emily Dickinson

Sunday, March 22, 2009

so theresthis boy Pictures, Images and Photos
The last couple days have been pretty down for me, so I decided that I was going to make a list of things I love and focus on the good...

* Freshly cut grass.
* Kristofer telling me Im the BEST mom
* Andy wearing shirts that show off his muscles.
* A new born babies FIRST cry.
* A steamy bathroom.
* Mashed Potatos & Fried Chicken.
* Kristofer accomplishing things he has been working at.
* Emilee singing.
* Singing as loud as I want in the car.
*Pictures of Mara.
* Daddies sense of humor.
* Moms hugs.
* Pictures of Mara.
*Kristofers hugs & kisses.
* Those trees that smell like rain.
* Clean towels.
* A good book.
* Open Adoption.
* My Pre School class
* My moms picture wall that is always changing :)
* Andy skate boarding
* Big hair!

Thats just the start of my list ...but it sure does help to get my mind off the bad for just a minute.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

As long as Im living My baby you'll be

Ill love you forever
Ill like you for always
As long as I'm living
My baby you'll be.

I never get to cuddle him.
For about a minute he was half asleep
and let me hold him.

He was off to do
"Busier Things"
Sometimes I just want to cuddle
with my little baby!

Monday, March 16, 2009

The Child Files

This Girl Is Beautiful! 4 Months Has Come And Gone

With Two Teeth Coming Into This Girls Mouth!
From Baby To Monster!

She Is Growing So Much & Is Just So Aware!
I Love This Girl
Josh & Lizzy Are Perfect Parents
She Is The Luckiest Girl To Have So Much Love
From So Many Families.

And Then There Is The Boy.
He Thought He Was So Clever
Batman Pajamas-Check
Batman Underwear- Check
Batman Toy- Check
He Is So Dang Cute.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

New Career.........

Emilee and I decided that on this lovely Sunday. Andy was going to be our Guinea Pig. We took are hand at Tattooing.,.. Lets just say I will stick with Children and Emilee wont drop out of school. Although it was fun to do. How easy will it come off? Only the shower will tell... Andy is such a good sport. Thanks babe!

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Random Dates....

Andy says I remember very 'Random Dates'
For example last year on this very day I found out I was pregnant
Random to most but very significant to me
The last time i got my nails done before today 5/17 /09
Why i remember to clearly?
The day i left that horrible place with David
Random to some Significant to me
Everyone has their random dates
Mine are dates that have changed my life

Crazy how I dont remember very many dates when it comes to kristofer
but I seem to remember every single moment with Mara

Monday, March 9, 2009

Adoption Pamphlet

Audra asked me a LONG time ago it seems, if I would write a short something for a pamphlet on adoption. I finally gave in and wrote it tonight. Im not sure how it sounds or even looks. Maybe its not even what she is looking for but I gave her my heart on a platter with these words! i hope someone somewhere someday gets some use out of My Story.

Over the last three years I have had to watch my son grow in between homes, Back and forth questioning why his parents are not together. It tore me apart to watch him suffer. When I was forced to face a pregnancy alone I automatically knew my choice. I could not give another child a broken home . I knew I could care for her and give her what she NEEDED, that wasnt good enough for me. I knew in the end she deserved everything I had and more. She deserved better. Life is what I gave her. Not just to her but to her parents who had been anxiously awaiting her and had been well prepared. Her birth has forever been implanted in my mind. It has forever changed me.That day i broke my own heart, I lost a part of myself. I love her more than any words can ever explain.She is mine. She will always be mine. Nothing can change that. She is also theirs. Adoption is something beautiful. It forces amazing things out of something that started as a crisis. It isnt somthing to be ashamed of. I couldnt be more greatful to be called a Birthmother. To be part of giving life. Not a sinlge day, nor breath goes by when she isnt in my thoughts. She is Ours because I chose adoption.

Thank you Audra for giving me this opportunity.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Four Months. Wow thats almost half a year! Every month on the 8th marks a "day" Some good, some not so good. Last night as I was just talking to Andy about Mara, I was telling him that she was now four months and I coudlnt believe how time has gone by so quick. Since going and seeing Mara I gained "closure" for lack of better word. As Andy pointed out last night, I no longer yearn for their words. I dont cling to every single letter that I get. Yes I still get all giddy excited but its not the same. Im growing independent and not relying on those things to help me through my day. Dont doubt for a single second that I dont miss that girl more than anything, but seeing her happy and seeing how it has changed Josh and Lizzy's whole life makes it all worth it. My heart is mending, i cant promise that its going to be whole again...ever, but I know that its getting better. It doesn't hurt so much anymore. I can actually get through a day without crying a few tears in my daily shower. Thank you Andy for pointing out that Im doing better, and sitting be me even in my worst state. Not many strange men would walk into this and be so supportive. Thank you Family for letting me cry when needs be, or just ramble on about Mara even though sometimes you have hears the stories a million times. Today I just sat back and thought about how much I wanted to be done being pregnant, to just get through that bittersweet day, now I want to relive it. I want to never forget it. Every moment of it has changed me and changed who I am growing into. I love every single one of you.