Monday, October 19, 2009

Nothing Better To Do But Blog..

5 snacks i enjoy:
1. Chips, Chips, Chips
2. tomatoes & salt
3. pretzels & cheese
4. avocados.
5. beef jerky

5 things on my to-do list today:
1. laundry
2. blog a little
3. read
4. organize the 'clothes/toy corner'
5. take a nappy

5 things I would do if I were a billionaire:
1. buy a house
2. pay off all debt ..
3. buy some babies
4. invest in what im not sure but something
5. donate.

5 jobs that i have had:
1. Papa Kelseys
2. Post Office
3. Childrens Safari
4. Wal Mart
5. Pillow Talk

5 bad habits of mine:
1. Biting my nails
2. not asking for help when i need it.
3. thinking i can just fix my problems by ignoring them.
4. looking in the baby section everytime.
5. procrastination.

5 places i have lived:
1. Mesa
2. Apache Junction
3. Tucson
4. Mesa
5. Mesa

5 songs I love:
1. Fifteen- taylor swift
2. You dont know me - Ben folds
3. Paparazzi -lady gaga
4. Fidelity - Regina spektor
5. Wrong turn - jack johnson

5 places I want to visit:
1. hawaii
2. paris
3. amsterdam
4. germany
5. china

5 things I want to accomplish in life:
1. finish school for my undecided future
2. being a FABULOUS wife.
3. being a great mommy.
4. truly being happy with ME.
5. have a room full of beautiful pictures, quotes & chairs

Friday, October 16, 2009

"A Birthmother puts the needs of her child above the wants of her heart"
Skye Hardwick

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


No words can describe this girl



I know I am a day early but ..
Happy 11 Months My Girl!
Beautiful, Perfect, Amazing, Gorgeous, Laughter, Brightness,
Angel, Heavenly, Smiles, Happiness, LOVE.
I can go on forever with the words that come to my mind
when I see this adorable face.
My heart is full today with love for that girl!
In one month she will be a year old.
I am in a way trying to put time on hold
while i ponder what that day is going to be like.
November is going to be a hard one.
Im sure it will be filled with many many posts of
last years events.

Miss Mara Jane,
I love you! I miss you!
I am lucky that I have the relationship that I have with your parents!
I am truly blessed that you came into my life.
I couldn't of asked for a more beautiful gift.
Not one minute of any day has went by in the last 11 months
that I havent thought of you.
That I havent ached to kiss you or hold you.
I am truly lucky that your mommy and daddy give you enough love for all of us.
I love you my sweet angel!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

i am: stubborn, feisty, strong willed, & hardheaded
i think: tomorrow is always better than today
i know: i need to be stronger in a lot of ways
i want: to get married again
i have: dreams of a black wedding dress!
i wish: it would rain
i dislike: pregnant woman
i miss: mara jane
i fear: no one will give me babies
i feel: like things are falling into place FINALLY
i hear: the water running
i smell: air
i crave: water
i usually: cant fall asleep in the pitch dark
i search: for reasons why people do things
i wonder: if its going to work out
i regret: that i didnt say goodbye in a better way
i love: kristofer david sluyter
i care: what people think too much
i always: play with my hair
i worry: that ill be an old cat lady
i am not: weak anymore
i remember: it like it was yesterday.....
i believe: that its not goodbye its see you soon
i dance: whenever there is music on!
i sing: to the radio far too loud
i don’t always: do what i know i should
i argue: open adoption
i write: about everything
i win: never
i lose: a lot
i never:want to hurt again
i listen: very well
i don't understand: why people cheat
i can usually be found: on the couch reading
i am scared: of being alone
i need: kristofers smile daily
i forget:everything
i am happy about: the fact that i am stronger today than i ever thought i would be!


Im sorry to all pregnant woman who read my blog

Today I hate pregnant girls


Sunday, October 4, 2009 need to read...

the reason im writing on my blog is because my journal is in storage and i just needed to get some stuff out!

This weekend i went to the cabin with Diane and the kids.
It was a lot of fun.
The kids played outside, the weather was super nice.
We made some great food and just hung out.

We had some great talks..
i love Di.
I love who she is as a person, a mother, a friend.. she is fun.
Di seems to be where I was almost two years ago.
Crying countless nites alone,
wondering why im just not good enough
for anyone to fight for, why am i so disposable.
she hasnt yet grasp that its okay to be alone.
that it shouldnt take someone else to make her happy
she should be loving herself and not worrying about otheres.

As i sat with her and just was so frustrated because she is better than that.
i realized im falling back into that same girl.
dependent on others for my smile, for my great mood.
i dont want to be that girl anymore. EVER AGAIN!

It breaks my heart to see her hurt,
i get so frustrated and want to scream at her because she is better than this.

i sat and told her about how when i got pregnant
i had no other choice but to be alone
it wasnt going away.
when i woke up that baby was still gonna be there
and i was still gonna be alone
i had to force myself to accept it.
& i can look back and see that those were the happiest days of my life
the happiest i have ever been was when i wasnt dependent on anyone else

i dont know how to get back to that.
i sit and tell Di she is so much better
but how do i take my own advice?
its a lot harder than it seems

its been 11 months since i have been that happy
my mara took a part of my happiness with her when she left
i want to fill it up with a new happiness
one that isnt produced by one else but me

im pretty sure im destined to be single FOREVER!
and i think thats ok
single fits me

Friday, October 2, 2009

I should be packing...
but instead i decided to update my blog.

going up north with Di & her honey & her kids
Kristofer is beyond excited he didnt want to go to school.
but he has already missed two days this week.
Sick. he was sick..

Btw i am NOT turning lesbian Audra.
Di gets me.
hangs out with me when im feeling sad
even wears her hair in a side pony tail just to see me smile again.
I can be a crying wreck and think that no one is going to understand
why i am crying for no good reason,
and she gets it.
Makes me go out even when I dont want to.
Shes fun, although not lesbian lol

i have been missing the girl
often i think * how did I ever do it *
next month is one year.
where has the time gone!
i miss my pregnant belly
her wigglin around in there

over the saddness
gotta go shower
and pack ..

My mom never lets me have any fun
just so everyone knows!

The Princess