Sunday, December 26, 2010

Christmas 2010

In between parties it was nap time.
Andys Christmas Sweater.
Too bad here in Sunny Az it was hot!
Kristofers big Christmas present,
RC car just like the uncles, & Andy
Tools & more tools for Andy
Pots, Pans & this lovely sweater!
Our before tree.
Too bad I dont have a picture of the after presents madness!
Merry Christmas Everyone!

Our Andee Kae

Is 3 weeks old.
I cant believe she is growing so fast.
She loves to cuddle & be held.
Who wouldnt when your this dang cute!
Big Brother Love
Mommy Love
Snuggling with Daddy.
She has daddys long face, & his pointy chin.
I took her to the doctor last week,
she is now weighing 7 lbs 6 ounces.
She sometimes sleeps good through the night,
but sometimes she likes to stay up late night.
Like 4 am status.
She is perfect.
She has made life around the Pitstick house happier than ever.
We love her to DEATH!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Andee Kae

Justify Full
Friday December 3rd 2010, bright & early at 5 am we headed to the hospital. I was checked in, and ready to go. My pitocin was started at 9 am and we waited... Contractions were slow to start & I was progressing slowly. Around 1 pm my doctor came in to break my water. I tried to wait for the epidural for as long as I could. I waited until my contractions were bringing tears to my eyes before I left them put that huge needle in my back. It was soo uncomfortable, I seem to not remembering it hurting so bad when they put it in. But dang it hurt! My fingers were white from squeezing Andys hand. Poor guy.. 4 pm the doctor came back to have a little look and said she was going to come any time, so he would stick around. About 10 minutes later I felt the pressure! Called the nurse, doctor came in got all suited up and 2 contractions later, at 4:47 pm our little girl was here. I couldnt help but cry the first time I saw her, laying on my belly she was perfect. I cried for a solid 10 minutes, I couldnt ask for a more perfect girl. Andy proudly cut her cord, sometime ask him to describe it, its kinda funny. She weighted in at 6 pounds 1 ounce, tiny little thing, i didnt know babies came that small. 19 inches long. She has super long legs & her daddys feet. Long long finger toes! So cute! We had soo many visitors while we stayed in the hospital, by day two I was ready to be left alone. I didnt want to see another person! I am so lucky to have a great Mom & Dad who so willingly brought Andy some dinner, and fed our dogs. Thank you to everyone that came to see us, Andee Kae was born into an amazing family. kristofer loves his little sister to death! His only complaint, that she might cry at night! She hardly cries, unless your changing her diaper or not feeding her fast enough. I am so in love with this sweet sweet girl!

I am overwhelmed with love for Andy, he has been so patient with me, and a great help since we have been home. I couldnt ask for a better man to start this journey as a new family with.

Friday, November 26, 2010


Thanksgiving came and went.
We are still waiting.
Even though my due date isnt until Dec. 9
my doctor said weeks ago that she could come ANY DAY!
You do not tell this to me unless you mean it!
Because every single day I hope today is THE DAY!
and then it isnt....
So now we come up on 39 weeks,
on Monday we will set a date to induce.

Christmas is upon us!
Today we got our very first Pitstick Christmas tree!
It has ribbons & bows & colored balls!
Its gorgeous!
Cant wait for Christmas this year!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

35 Weeks..

& I am ready! Little Andee is ready too, I'm convinced!
I am dilated to a 1 already, 50 percent effaced, but nothing yet..
Doctor says rest & make sure to keep her in for at least 2 more weeks.
Hopefully before Thanksgiving she will be here.

Its almost Miss Maras birthday!
I still cant believe she is 2!
Where has the time gone when that little girl was in my belly and I was anxiously waiting for her to come out!
Last minute touches added to her gift & it will be sent out tomorrow so hopefully it will arrive right on her birthday!

Love that girl!
She will always be my First Girl!
Love you Mara!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Baby Shower

October 9th 2010, My lovely sisters hosted a baby shower for little Andee & I. It was so much fun catching up with old friends and seeing some of Andys moms friends. Kami wasnt able to make it but his sister Kenzie flew in for the day. We played some games, opened some AWESOME presents, and ate some delicious food! Paulies girlfriend Chelsea, Rach and Dawn made the food. It was so good! I didnt want to stop eating it! We got more things than we thought we would, all you ladies spoiled us, Little Andee is going to be the cutest baby ever! Thanks everyone who came. & those of you who couldnt make it we missed you!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Long Time No Blog..

Haven't been up to much, just hanging out doing the grown up thing.
Working at The Depot has got me exhausted pretty much every day of the week.
Lots of walking around & dealing with cranky cashiers & customers.
At the end of the day I cant complain too much,
at least I have a decent job when many don't.

Baby Girl is coming right along. She isnt officially due until December 9th, but we are hoping she comes sometime before Thanksgiving. If anyone has any ideas on how to get her to come out around that time, send 'em my way! I have gianed a whopping 20 pounds, I feel as big as a house! Up until a couple weeks ago I was still wearing my regular shirts, but I had to up size since all my shirts are showing this cute little section above my pants below my belly button, I mean I think its adorable but some might not. Andy couldnt be more excited & thinks he is going to be playing a theme song in the delivery room upon her arrival... Good luck with that one honey!

Kristofer just completed the first quarter of 1st grade. He is above average in Math, dont ask where he got that skill from, & just right in reading & writing. That boy loves to read! He has moved from his very first chapter book to wanting to read none other than Harry Potter. I wont discourage him, but it might get a little tough for him to understand. He is such a sweet boy, always willing to do his chores & really likes helping me make dinner. I cant believe he is 7 already! We took him fishing last saturday and let me tell you , he is a natural! He caught more fish than Andy, sorry babe! Although he wouldnt touch any of them!

I came home a couple weeks ago from a long night at work to see that Andy had painted the kids room & cut down Kristofers bed, it was about 2 feet from the ceiling. He is so good to me. We have had the paint for over a month but I was just too tired to get around to it. We now have pretty much everything set up. Her crib is ready to go, and bassinet is sweetly placed right next to our bed. I couldnt be more excited for her to come!

Im going to head out to a little boutique see if there is anything this sweet girl just cant live without!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Not much to post these days when work has completely consumed your days.
Kristofer turned 7 yesterday, a small party will be held this week, sometime.
I cant believe my little boy is 7!
He is so smart, so full of energy, and so very very loving.
He loves video games and building with legos.
This week we will be painting his room green, a color he picked. I will be sure to post pictures.
Little girl is growing in my belly.
We had a little trip to the ER yesterday because she decided to take a little break from being "Ninja Andee" to not moving at all for a good day & a half.
She is sounding good though, her heart monitor showed that by her movements & heart she is developed to about 32 weeks. We arent ready for her to come yet though by any means. I am 27 weeks and counting down the days until my clothes will fit again.
Kristofer is so excited to meet his little sister. He wants to be able to feed her in the mornings before he goes to school, but is not excited about sharing his room with her because she is going to cry a lot. Man he makes me laugh. We will be having her baby shower on Oct. 9th 2010 if youd like to attend please send me a text, an email or comment with an address.
Andys still loving his job, which is good, he has been working a lot though.
With myself working crazy hours every week we are home just enough to say good morning or good night and some days if were lucky, both.
Ill try to be better about posting.
i promise pictures of Kristofers 7th birthday & painting of his room!

Monday, July 26, 2010

Open Adoption

Today someone asked me about "that adorable little girl on my facebook".
I explained how i have a little girl who i place for adoption.
Another of my cashiers joe, asked me about it when we werent standing in the center isle.
It really hit home today.
Talking about the connection there is with josh & lizzy.
& how much they are just like close friends.
It hit me hard to talk about how great i have it.
What a wonderful blessing this has been.
I cant type about it now but cause it makes me cry,
but Thank You Josh & Liz. Thank You, Youve made my heart ache less & been fabulous to me. I love you guys.

& i miss the girl like mad.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Lets Talk About A Perfect Day

Seriously. Perfect.
Let me give a little background. A couple weeks ago Liz asked if i got the letter they sent. Nope no letter! Are you kidding me! I watch religiously for a letter, nothing. Almost two weeks. Nothing.
Another little background. A whole 14 weeks ago Andy & I found out I am pregnant! We didn't tell anymore one due to some complications, & a high chance of miscarriage.
This takes us to present day.

19 weeks along & healthy. Little Miss Andee K Pitstick is due December the 9th 2010. She weighs in at a whopping 9 ounces & has all 10 fingers & toes. Yes, we are naming her Andee, after her dad, Richard Andrew. Middle name compliments of my mother, his mother & myself. & we could not be happier!

I come home from dropping Andy off at work, Julia hands me "the letter". The beloved letter I've been waiting for! Miss Mara is growing & more beautiful than ever! She has the biggest smile & these cute little sleepy eyes! I have pictures but couldn't scan them. I will soon. She is a little Domestic Diva as Liz says. & just loves Buzz Light Year. No one will ever replace the love or place I have in my heart for this girl. I am beyond excited to finally get my baby girl, but there will always be my first baby girl. I just love you Mara Jane!

We are currently in a state of moving. Oh how I loathe that! Oh how I will be loving my own place again, with my little family. I am becoming pretty crafty & am so excited to be able to paint & make it our little place. Andy is loving his job at Dragon Fire Racing, which is always a plus. He is lucky enough that my dad lets him ride to work with him, & they get some bonding time. Its actually a nice change to have a boyfriend your dad gets along with! Home Depot life is busy. It keeps me busy & slim. On an average day I walk a much needed 10 or 11 miles. Think about how small Home Depot is, yep back and forth all day long. I really do enjoy my job & most of the people i work with. Kristofer is getting excited to start 1st grade next month. Not so excited that he is getting a sister & not a brother. I think in the end he will love her just as much.

It has been a wonderful day & I couldn't be happier to end it snuggled up next to my babe ( after we pack up the kitchen ) but none the less in my spot!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

that little ache

& today there's an ache.
A small piece that got lost,
but fit perfectly in somewhere else.
I want to get a tattoo symbolizing this little miss.
& i think its going to be a heart in a puzzle form,
with just one piece missing,
where her initials will be.
I've still got time to think about it.
i feel like i've done pretty good at moving on.
some days I just miss her.
& wish she were closer for visits.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Summer Time..

What is there to do when your life revolves around work,
you have a restless 6 year old & 2 dogs,
& you want to get away for a little bit,
& just spend some time with your honey & little family?

Take a drive down to the river!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Oh 25..

I always joke that I cant believe im turning 25!
Im half way to 50 for goodness sake!

I always had my life planned out.
Married, all the kids birthed by 27... yada yada
Yep didnt turn out exactly how I planned.
But in my last 25 years of life i have learned a lot.
I have learned who I dont want to marry.
In which I found the one I long want to marry. Mr Pitstick.
I have a handsome, smart, funny son. Mr. Kristofer.
I have an amazing family.
Whom I wouldnt of been able to get through the last 25 years without.
I love my Parents. (even dad who puts socks in my face, i love you Dad)
Without them I wouldnt even get to turn 25!
I have had MANY MANY jobs,
resulting in me knowing what I want to and dont want to have a career in.

Something I never thought could be done by me,
has made me realize that there isnt anything I cant do.
Nothing too hard for me to face.
No battle worth giving up.
Our precious Mara.

I have met many new people.
Learned from them all and kept the good ones close to my heart.
Still meeting new people,
learning new things at work.
and loving my family ive been blessed with.

Happy 25 years to me.
I may joke but I cant wait for the next 25.

Monday, June 14, 2010

The Rough Days

There is always going to be rough days in life.
There will always be days where it seems like the sun doesn't shine at all.
I can feel one of those days approaching.

Kristofer has had a rough time with me working so much.
I feel like I hardly see him with the crazy hours I work.
Because of this he has been very moody & emotional.
I feel like he is suffering & I'm missing out.
But what is the solution?
I cant just stop working.

There are also days when you just wake up with "The Ache"
There isn't any way to make it stop.
You just have to let it go through your heart & hope it isn't as bad as the last time.
I miss her.
I look at her hospital pictures.
& than I cant help but hop on over to check for recent pictures.
Even if there isn't any I still take a minute to look at how much shes grown.
& than i cant help but think of how much ive missed out,
& just how beautiful she is.
There will always be those days.
At the end of those days when the sun starts to shine again,
I remember what she has, what she needed, who her Mother is,
& than there is the rainbow after the storm.

Its Amazing..

Birth Moms Deserve Our Respect

Why all the conversations about adoption leave out a key player.

When I gave birth to my son two years ago, I was stunned by the depth of my feelings—not the love, I expected that. It was the sense that the life of this baby was now more important than my own. I would fight a mountain lion or step in front of a truck to protect him. I would even, if I had to, send him to my parents to live, if my husband and I could no longer provide the best care for him. That doesn’t make me special—it just means I’m a mother, same as hundreds of millions of other women. No matter whether it’s staying home, going to work, raising their kids alone or choosing to leave their children in order to provide for them, there is nothing most of us would not do to ensure our childrens’ safety. And, for some Moms, giving their children the best chance at a good life means making the most excruciating sacrifice of all: placing them up for adoption.

We hear a lot about adoption, but usually only when things go wrong or a celebrity is involved. We talk plenty about the kids themselves and the selfless families taking them in—whether they’re fictional scenarios like the adoption storyline on Glee, or all-too-real news footage from Haiti, Ethiopia, or China. But our culture still seems to show so little respect and support for the women who choose adoption in the face of an unexpected pregnancy. Rarely do we focus, in a positive way, on the birth mothers, aside from picking the most relevant stereotyped assumptions: “Pregnant teen, crack addict, prostitute, trash, etc.”

For the better part of the 20th century, adoption was seen as exploitative and cruel to birth mothers. Since single motherhood and abortion were not readily accepted options, women and girls were often forced by their families into hasty marriages or hustled into homes where their babies were taken without their informed consent. But now adoption has come out of hiding—indeed, both domestic and international adoptions have become increasingly common. One would think that women or teenage girls would be able to explore this option free of the guilt and shame. But as Amy Benfer wrote last month at when discussing the reaction to notable on-screen pregnancies: “By the end of 2008, you could be forgiven for believing there was absolutely no way to portray a young unmarried woman who happened to be pregnant in a responsible manner: Juno was too smart, funny and likable; Katherine Heigl in ‘Knocked Up’ was too pretty and too happy; the Gloucester girls were too poor and too dumb; Jamie Lynn Spears was too rich and too dumb; Bristol Palin was too privileged and too Republican. When MTV came out with ‘16 and Pregnant’ in the summer of 2009, it was more of the same: the girls were too trashy or too popular; bad mothers for dropping out of school, or unrealistic role models for other, less privileged girls, should they continue with school.”

For Elizabeth Bartholet, professor of law and faculty director of the Child Advocacy Program at the Harvard Law School, society’s distrust of birth mothers reveals our enduring bias for biological families. “It is very deeply ingrained in our society that all kids belong where they came from, it’s unnatural to give them up. So we stigmatize surrendering the child ... but most young unmarried women who give birth are not in a good position to raise their child. What if we allowed people to think it’s also natural to give their children to somebody else to raise?” Don’t believe that we’re so biased against birth moms? Do a little thought experiment with me—imagine it’s the 2008 presidential race all over again. What do you think the response would have been if Bristol Palin had announced she was having her baby but placing it for adoption? Something tells me she wouldn’t have been hailed as a real-life Juno but as a selfish promiscuous tart who doesn’t care about her baby.

To me, it also indicates a strain of our culture that is not yet ready to accept that a mother’s love might dictate placing her child with somebody else to raise and instead dismisses her as unnatural. As Adam Pertman, executive director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute explained to me, “Our society has lifted much of the stigma of single motherhood, but still finds it difficult to support a woman who is, as they see it, abandoning her child. These women are told: ‘How can you possibly give up your child? What kind of person could do that?’ So while adoption is listed as viable option, it’s a choice that’s rarely made.” Indeed, the number of newborn babies available for adoption has remained flat for almost two decades while the number of unmarried women having children has soared.

What if we stopped pretending we lived in a world where the traditional nuclear family is the norm and accepted birth mothers into the fold of family life? We’ve certainly managed to do that in the world of reproductive medicine where we welcome offspring as biological even if the child was the product of donated sperm and egg. And we’ve somehow managed to accept a bewildering array of familial choices from multiple stepparents, two moms, or a single grandparent. But, thanks to society’s misgivings and misconceptions about adoption, birth mothers are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. By indicating that placing a child for adoption is a selfish or painless choice when it’s not, or talking about birth mothers as if they were all crack-addled prostitutes or at the very least wayward youth, we not only limit a woman’s right to choose but also shut out the possibility that there are other people out there who would love to adopt. Why not try respecting these women as mothers able to make the best decision for themselves and their pregnancies—even if that decision is not to parent?

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Not sure why I do this to myself.

Everything To Me from Mark Schultz on Vimeo.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Is It Always Going To Be This Way...

Some days I wonder if its always going to be this way.
The way when someone asks how many kids do you have?
What do I reply? I have one son but I have birthed 2 children...
Will I ever stop considering her mine?
Is it wrong to even feel that she is mine?
Dont get me wrong I am beyond proud to call my self a birth mother.
I am proud to be a birth mother in the era where its ok, were we are praised and not looked down on.
Whenever some one asks how many children I have and I just answer one,
my heart breaks a little.
I can feel that scab being ripped open all over again.
Will it forever sting when Im asked how many children I have,
or will that ache slowly go away when I answer one?

May is always such a tough month.
I was finally on my own facing a pregnancy by myself.
Rights signed, and there was no one stopping me from making the choices I needed to make.
Memorial day is the day I found Josh & Lizzy.
The day I sat at my parents computer, and felt chills as I saw their profile.
Knowing just than that they were it.
There was no choice to be made.
I was going to entrust these two people to love my daughter.
That beautiful woman on the screen in front of me was going to be my baby girls mother.
She was the one I was going to entrust with enough kisses for two mothers.
& he, he was going to be the dad my little girl would never have with me.

At this time I hadnt set a name or anything because deep down I was trying not to get too attached.
She was just my little girl.
Maybe not forever, but until November she was Mine.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

"God didn't promise days without pain,
laughter without sorrow,
sun without rain,
but He did promise
strength for the day,
comfort for the tears,
and light for the way"

I sure do have a precious little boy.
Love Him.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Catching up

This past weekend Kristofer, Andy & I ventured out to San Diego California.
This vacation was much needed for everyone involved.
We arrived late Friday night, a mishap at the DMV almost prevented us from going.
No need to worry, we prevailed.. (with suspended plates, driving on hopes & dreams that the police would be easy on us, in the incident we got pulled over)
I did all the driving. Let me tell you that 6 hours, with one little stop in Yuma is LONG!
Saturday we woke up...early... Andys niece's live there with his parents.
The joys of sharing a room with a 1 yr old that cries at 5 am..
Took a little trip to the beach. It was freezing!
Kristofer although found it perfect weather to boogy board.
Dont know how he pulled it off, i was wrapped in towels the entire time!
There was a US Navy HoverCraft thing on the beach.
Andy was obsessed and just HAD to watch it leave the beach.
Of course we got it on video & i have to admit it was pretty awesome to see such a huge piece of metal hovering above the ground!
Sunday we went to Lego Land. I have to admit it was pretty amazing!
Everything built out of tiny lego pieces, Seriously!
Kristofer had a blast so did Andy. We took Andys niece Eastonne, she is such a good little girl!\
Sunday night was spent just the 5 of us, Andys parents went to Disney that day, and didnt get home til much later. We ate Mongolian for dinner and watched Toy Story 2 until we fell asleep.
Monday we made the long drive home. Making it home around 10:30 pm.
It was a really fun weekend I will post pictures very very soon.
Yesterday was meant for car cleaning and laundry, but my lovely Andrew forgot the keys in his pocket & took them to work.
It was a nice morning for a walk from his home to mine ( about 2 miles) & a pretty dang good reason to catch up on sleep ALL DAY!
Back to work today. The usual catty drama of my cashiers who range from 20-30. I swear i just want them to go where i need them to without complaining! If i need you to be the garden cashier go there, dont whine and stomp your feet about how much you hate it, we all do things we hate just do it! Today the decided to short us a break cashier so i spent most my morning in different areas giving breaks. Its not that fun when you have your phone ringing with people that need your "magic numbers" the minute your off the register, running Self Check Out plus your own register ( a total of 5) with some customer telling you that he should be able to use his coupon today because its only 2 days early so can he please just have the discount on his 400.00 purchase. & of course i have to give it to him because thats what we do at the Depot, we please our customers in every way possible.
Any who. kristofers last day of kindy-garden is the 27th. I cant believe he will be in the 1st grade! He is growing too fast. Little miss Mara is also growing like a weed! I cant believe how stinkin cute that girl is! If you havent checked out her parents blog you should, shes cute. & so is her brand new little sister! yes the little girl is now a littel big sister.

Until my next post with a million pictures, have a great and fabulous day..

Saturday, May 8, 2010

All I wanted today was to be taken out to dinner by Andy.
Tough I know.
What I got was a "I wanna hang out with my friends on my weekend"
(disclaimer-he has been with them since noon while I worked)
No guy dated has done anything for me on mothers day.
Its a joke to try & get my son from his father,
he seems to believe that Mothers Day is for HIS mother,
not me.

My only saving grace today was beautiful flowers from the Iggys.
If it wasnt for that Id for sure have a nervous break down.
Instead its only a little break down.

All I wanted was dinner since im working all day tomorrow.
Is that too much to ask?

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I wish it was a perfect world and no one ever had to deal with infertility.
I wish it was a perfect world and there werent any "unplanned" pregnancies.
In my perfect world everyone would be happy and healthy and have as many babies as they could handle.

Sometimes I look at blogs of couples who are "hoping to adopt"
and my heart aches for them.
I dont know first hand what its like to go through infertility,
but i know from other people that its tough.

if it wasnt so blasted heartbreaking i would give every couple i know a baby.
but the reality is, it is heart breaking.

Its national infertility awareness week.
my heart aches for every couple that has gone through or is going through this bump in the road.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Its taken me forever to post these pictures but here they are! Josh, Lizzy & Mara flew in on March 27th to spend the day with me. We met at Freestone Park, chatted and just hung out. Mara LOVED the ducks! Josh & Lizzy invited us to lunch at the Farmers Grill with some of their close friends. It was really great to meet some of their friends, they were really nice. I got to sit with Mara at lunch it was a lot of fun she is such a little character. We had a little family get together at Dawns so everyone could see the Iggys. I had a great day. Kristofer really liked being able to hang out with her. Thank you Josh & Liz for bringing the girl for a quick visit. It was a fabulous day!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Everything'll Be Alright..

Lyrics to Everything'll Be Alright (Will's Lullaby) :
Way down, in New York town
Thinking about the way she loved me
There's a hole in my pocket
That's about her size
But I think everything
Is gonna be alright
Yes I hope everything
Is gonna be alright

The smiling face, straight in LA
The gifts are found at the bar
But I wish my car
Could drive to her tonight
Then I'd know everything
Is gonna be alright
Yes then I'd know
It'll be alright

The rain in New Orleans, forgot to end
But the mouths of the people are dry
And we watch and wait
And do nothing but sigh
And hope everything
Is gonna turn alright
But I don't know
If it'll be alright

But I look at you, warm in your dream
While your mobile dances above
And I think to myself
It's a beautiful night
And I know everything
Is gonna be alright
Yes now I know
It'll be alright

16 Months ago my heart was about to break.
I was the one breaking it, buckling a huge piece of it into her car seat, telling her I loved her, telling her she would always be "my girl", kissing her cheeks for the last time in awhile.

Last month Josh & Lizzy asked if they could come visit. Whoo Hoo! I was excited! I love them they are so dear to my heart. They have a piece of my heart. They comforted my aches and pains in sweet letters that i've read numerous times in hours of darkness. They have waited so patiently for this sweet angel to be in their lives. . They are the ones that will relay to my girl how much i love her. How much she is a part of me and my heart.

As the days dwindle down to just 3 I am overwhelmed. I find myself crying at every moment when im alone. I am nervous. I am scared. I am aching.

The last times Ive went and visited the Iggys, I left fine. Well the blessing wasnt perfect in anyway. It was emotional and I didnt say goodbye in the best way. None the less it was on my terms I guess. I was the one leaving her happy house, seeing how happy she was in that little house with her ever so loving parents. I was the one buckling myself into the car and driving away.

In 3 days I am going to have to buckle her in all over again and send her on her way. I could compare this feeling to the feeling of leaving the hospital with yourself in one car and your baby in another. That was my goodbye. That was my see you soon. I am scared to relive that. To hug the Iggys goodbye.. This goodbye is going to be just as painful as the first and I cant find anyway to prepare myself for it. .

Its going to be amazing to see her. To kiss her. To tell her how much I love her. To just hold that piece of my heart and feel whole for just one minute. .

Friday, March 19, 2010

Going Private

I never felt the need to make my blog private until now.
There has been some comments from a blogger I dont know that are in chinese or japanese, im not sure. but I dont like it. It freaks me out that someone reads my blog and writes these weird little comments. If I could identify this person I would, but their blog is also in whatever language and has no pictures or anything. So i feel kinda freaked out.

send me your addresses if youd like to read my blog still :)

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

My Littlest Love kristofer

Kristofer totally put me in my place tonight and he doesnt even know it. This morning I was ever so frustrated with him. Our mornings around here are very crazy. I leave my house to drive to Andys to pick him up BY 7. No later than 7:10. We go by the gas station religiously, drop kristofer off at school at exactly 7:35 right as the gates open to get Andy to work by 8. After that I head to wherever my day is taking me. Well this morning as we are walking out the door, already late mind you, kristofer shows me the snack bag for school and says its his turn to bring snack! I was like ugh I know I looked in your back pack how could I of missed it! I was a little irritated with him but instead of the gas station we stopped by the store super quick run in only 10 minutes later than usual. I pick him up from school ( a VERY short break from my Child Development homework) and he says asks if he can have the extra oreos i didnt send to school because they didnt eat his snack. I ask why. He tells me it wasnt really his day, he has had that bag at home for a long time but kept forgetting it.. Again frustration.

Fast forward to tonights homework with him. He has to draw a picture of the family tallest to shortest. of course it went like this Grandpa. Uncle Paulie,Uncle Ben,. Aunt Emilee. Mommy. Aunt Cristal. Grandma. Aunt Julia, and Kristofer

His reply to why he drew the faces he did, Granpa was laughing .uncle paul was sad, uncle ben is always mad at him and aunt emilee is ALWAYS smiling.. it just was a real eye opener to how much he really pays attention. How much he really picks up on. I need to stop being so frustrated to quick and realize that he is just 6. he just wants love just like everyone else. I love him. He is such a sweet boy. He is my most favorite little! kristofer david I love you! xoxo mommy

(one more short rant. sharing a child with someone is hard! especially when that someone thinks kindergarten is a joke)
My hope for today is that one day no one will use the phrase " You gave your baby away"

Or tell me they are sorry I had to do that..

I didn't "give" my baby away. I "gave" her a chance at a better life.

& no! I don't want your "i'm sorry" because I didn't "have" to do anything. I chose my path.

People are really ignorant and i'm dead sick of their stupid comments.
I know it shouldn't bother me but it does, badly.
it makes me angry when someone says
"im sorry you had to give your daughter away"

News flash I chose to give her a better life.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

the caption read "Kisses" my beautiful angel sending me kisses! love her!

Today i am feeling rather ....sensitive.

I was reading a blog (of course one about adoption) because that is all I ever do when my handy blackberry is in hand.

She wrote a post about how it is not just the birth mother that hurts and has a loss, buts also the child. One Adoptive Mother left a comment that said when she first got her baby she cried every time the baby cried thinking that he did not know them, that he was looking for that familiar voice that hes heard the last nine months.

I will never forget my very first night home. A few people had stopped by and my amazing friend Jenea was sitting on the couch and we were just talking, my mother on the other side of me. Suddenly I just broke into a hysterical cry. I was so scared for my precious baby girl. I was so afraid that maybe she was afraid because she didnt know them! She didnt know their voices. I wanted to be able to calm her if she was upset, to tell her one last time that it was all going to be ok. She was so good in the hospital for our 3 day stay. I dont think she cried ever!

A quick text to the Iggys confirmed that she was perfect. I felt crazy. I felt like I shouldnt be bothering them but it was in fact the only thing that could calm me down, when I was afraid for my little girl.

The 2 year mark has recently passed for when that little girl started her 9 month stay in my tummy. I see myself sometimes falling back into those bad habits, falling back into that very very dark place that I thought I was stuck in. This time around though im not going to sit and drown again. Im going to take the steps and start changing what im doing so that im never in that place again.

Someone is watching out for me. I dont know how they do it but it seems EVERY time im having a rough day or just wishing I could whisper i love you in that little ear, the Iggys will randomly send a picture. The other night I got one that sent me over the top with a huge smile on my face! The Iggys had no idea that I had been planning on asking them if I could come up for a quick visit in march. Lizzy called to ask if they could come see me!!! WHAT?! Seriously you guys want to come see me! um are you crazy yes! Lizzy is always so cute she always asks if its ok if she calls. I always reassure her that her calls dont bring me down they make my day! They make me smile! They send me into giddy excitement! March 27th is the day and I cant wait!!!! I am so excited i t consumes my thoughts on a regular basis! Kristofer is also beyond excited. He is so stinking cute when he always wants to go see her, and asks about her. He took a picture to school so he could show everyone his sister. The way he just explains things is adorable.

One month and that little ear will be all mine to say as many i love you's as i can possible fit in!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Love Him! I was feeling a little down & text Andy, telling him that when I went to take him some dinner I needed a good laugh to cheer me up.. Not even 10 minutes later he tells me to check my email & this is what I received! I am still cracking up! I love him. Thanks Babe for making me feel better!

Homework stinks! I swear its hard to get back in the groove of school when you havent been for what 6 yrs!

Another happy note for those of you who dont follow my facebook.. i got the best, most amazing news a couple nights ago. Its kinda a secret & i am trying not to get too excited (which isnt working its all I think about & talk about)

Josh & Lizzy want to come visit me!!!!!! I cant wait to see them & that beautiful Princess!!! I am blessed to have such great friends in the Iggys. They are sooo good to me. They say adoption is about love & yes it is. Not just from the birthmother, but from every one involved. Thank you Josh & lizzy for going above & way beyond anything that I have ever asked. I love you guys!

Now to get back to my homework..

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

On Sunday Andy & i were just having random conversation about absolutely nothing, yet everything at the same time. My favorite kind of talks with him. It seems we are always finding out new things about each other. He said to me that I have never really talked to him about he relationship that I was in when this sweet girl came into my life. Those days are so hard for me to think about. When I do i realize what a sad, dark place I was in, & i thank heavens for this unplanned 'crisis' pregnancy. It scares me to think of where I would be if this sweet Angel had not come into my life. I miss her so much. Yet I wouldnt change the world for the new life she gave me.. Thats right, giving her life, also gave me a new chance at life I didnt know I had.

I love you Mara Jane.
i miss the girl.
its moments when life slows down for just a second that i realize.
i looked at the iggys blog the other day.
so many updates.
so many pictures of my sweet angel.
i asked andy as we sat watching..
"can you believe that i made that girl?
can you believe that she is mine?"

his response was something along the lines of
"yes, when are you giving me mine"

life has been busy.
too busy to mourn the loss of things that are unsaid right now.
things that i cant really understand.
but its in these little slow moments that i wish i had something going on.

i can feel a break down coming.
not sure when..
all i can say is that im tired of crying over loss of babies.

i thought i was doing good,
but now i just miss my princess even more.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

For all my fabulous readers
just figured i'd update ya'll about my crazy beautiful life.
1. i start school next month! i am feeling anxious
(next semester i might even jump into a class on campus WOAH)
2. kristofer is doing great in kindergarten.
he is always excited to go to school & rarely complains.
(boy I am lucky)
3. life on the sofa couch is restless.
I am always waiting for the final person to go to sleep,
& always up with the very first person .. yawn
4. My beloved Andrew... i love him.
we have had our moments but who hasnt *honestly*
at my maddest moment I can still name more reasons i love him than why I hate him.
& i cant see anyone making me smile more than he does.
5. next month marks 2 (yes 2) years of conceiving The Girl.
man oh man i cant believe she is getting so big,
time is a flyin'
.....i miss her more than ever lately....
6. work is slow
but i enjoy the time i get to spend with my sister.
One day we WILL have the Katt & Rachael show.


Tuesday, January 5, 2010

life quotes Pictures, Images and Photos

Todays the day I do something about it. I am done sitting around waiting for *someone to change so I can get on with what I want in life. Im almost 25 & my parents didnt raise me to live the way I have. They didnt teach me to let people walk on me, or let myself take care of everyone before I take care of myself. I am tired of it. I applied for some jobs today ( I hope everyone prays I get one, wink wink) & with the help of my lovely sister I applied for school. I dont think there is any reason for me with my work experience & life experience that I should be living with my parents with no car. I am excited to be on this new road of happiness. All I have ever wanted in life was to be happy.I can stand by the fact that lately I have been hoping for someone else to make me happy, for someone to change & realize what he is going to be loosing. But I am tired of waiting & i know I alone can be happy. Ill tell you at the lowest part of my life, after I cleaned it up & realized I wasnt settling anymore, I was the happiest ive ever been. I was the most happy when I was pregnant with my sweet sweet girl. Some think how could I ever be happy, pregnant & alone. Truth is I wasnt alone. I had my sweet son, my precious angel, amazing family & Josh & Lizzy. All those people were all I needed & i was happy. I am excited to get my own place & get life together & not let it fall apart again for the millionth time it seems! Some exciting things are happening, also some very hard things. I know I have been through harder things, i have weathered harder storms all I have to say is * tomorrows another day, im thirsty any way, so bring on the rain *

life quote Pictures, Images and Photos

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Precious Mara, i miss you so badly today. I miss your little cry & your pirate eye. I miss the very first moment I held you, & the very last kiss I gave you. I miss feeding you your bottle & getting you dressed. Your growing into a girl with so much personality & im sad I cant be around more to see it. I love you.