Sunday, February 28, 2010

the caption read "Kisses" my beautiful angel sending me kisses! love her!

Today i am feeling rather ....sensitive.

I was reading a blog (of course one about adoption) because that is all I ever do when my handy blackberry is in hand.

She wrote a post about how it is not just the birth mother that hurts and has a loss, buts also the child. One Adoptive Mother left a comment that said when she first got her baby she cried every time the baby cried thinking that he did not know them, that he was looking for that familiar voice that hes heard the last nine months.

I will never forget my very first night home. A few people had stopped by and my amazing friend Jenea was sitting on the couch and we were just talking, my mother on the other side of me. Suddenly I just broke into a hysterical cry. I was so scared for my precious baby girl. I was so afraid that maybe she was afraid because she didnt know them! She didnt know their voices. I wanted to be able to calm her if she was upset, to tell her one last time that it was all going to be ok. She was so good in the hospital for our 3 day stay. I dont think she cried ever!

A quick text to the Iggys confirmed that she was perfect. I felt crazy. I felt like I shouldnt be bothering them but it was in fact the only thing that could calm me down, when I was afraid for my little girl.

The 2 year mark has recently passed for when that little girl started her 9 month stay in my tummy. I see myself sometimes falling back into those bad habits, falling back into that very very dark place that I thought I was stuck in. This time around though im not going to sit and drown again. Im going to take the steps and start changing what im doing so that im never in that place again.

Someone is watching out for me. I dont know how they do it but it seems EVERY time im having a rough day or just wishing I could whisper i love you in that little ear, the Iggys will randomly send a picture. The other night I got one that sent me over the top with a huge smile on my face! The Iggys had no idea that I had been planning on asking them if I could come up for a quick visit in march. Lizzy called to ask if they could come see me!!! WHAT?! Seriously you guys want to come see me! um are you crazy yes! Lizzy is always so cute she always asks if its ok if she calls. I always reassure her that her calls dont bring me down they make my day! They make me smile! They send me into giddy excitement! March 27th is the day and I cant wait!!!! I am so excited i t consumes my thoughts on a regular basis! Kristofer is also beyond excited. He is so stinking cute when he always wants to go see her, and asks about her. He took a picture to school so he could show everyone his sister. The way he just explains things is adorable.

One month and that little ear will be all mine to say as many i love you's as i can possible fit in!


Mama Bear said...

((hugs)), my daughters birthmom told me how comforting it was to talk to me during those early months, I never saw saddness in my baby girls eyes, honestly she always looked at me like I was mom, but then my son came along and it was very different, somedays when he was young he would almost look at me like he didnt like me, but from day one he always bonded with my husband, I really think it was because I was his prob. 4th or so mommy, see his birhtmom did not see him in the hospital, so nurses cared for him, then he went to foster care for three weeks, then to me so I can see the distrust for mommy figures there, and still to this day he prefers my husband to me, but I am for sure mommy, I think he has got the message that I am not going anywhere! and the picture of your girl is just precious!

Heather said...

Katt I love you. your an amazingly strong woman. I look up to you so much. I know what your feeling right now. I am so excited for you to see that adorable little girl. I miss you at group. Please come and see us

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Alex said...

Katt, you are so strong it's unbelievable.

You made me cry.

I hope you have an amazing time when you get to see your girl, and I hope the time until then goes by quickly for you.