Saturday, September 24, 2011

Someone once told me that missing Mara was not right.
That I should treat it like a dead person & not dwell on it,
that just like a miscarriage she is gone & to let go.
Those words still sting even though that person is not in my life.
Whenever I feel myself start to miss her, those words ring in my ears.
They sting & I start to actually question what i actually miss.
That sweet girl grew with me for 9 short months.
She won my heart in those 9 short months.
My heart melts when I see her famous Princess Smile, how she is growing & learning, her love for her sister & mom & dad.
She is VERY much alive & not to ever be forgotten.
Every single day I think of her.
There is a piece of my heart missing... her piece, the one she took & fit it so perfectly into Josh & Lizzys where they were missing a piece..

Her 3rd birthday is approaching quicker then i can even imagine!
Can it really be 3 years already!?!?!
So much has happened, so much has changed.
But my love for that sweet girl hasn't changed.
I am so blessed at the end of every day that I have an open adoption.
Thank you for taking a leap & saying yes Iggys.
I am so lucky that sweet Mara will be able to know that she is loved from soo many people.
If i knew how to save pictures on this stupid iBOOK I would post a picture of her gorgeous Princess Smile, but after two nights I still cant figure it out!

i love you sweet girl.

Sunday, September 18, 2011


This last weekend Little Lucy, some of you know her as Emilee, got married.
I cannot believe how grown she is, & could not be happier for her.
I welcome Shaine into our family with open arms & some minor teasing, that i know he loves!

Andy was away for work this weekend in California, so i had to brave the wedding & kristofers 8th birthday alone.

Let me take you back a few years. I vowed I would never have another child in a broken home. Being a single mom is very very hard. My sweet Mara is proof that I would never add a child to a broken family, I also would never add a child to take care of alone. . .

Cristal & I took on the role of making the floral pieces for the wedding. Friday was a crazy busy day for me. i felt like a chicken with my head cut off. Looks as though my quick run to fresh & easy turned into a loss to a significant amount of money, by leaving my wallet in the cart... that was a bad start to my weekend. kristofer loved his new bike & star wars lego sets though, so it eased the blow. Saturday we woke up bright & early after a late night. Kids ready we meet at the temple for pictures, mind you its hot, andee kaes nap time, & kristofer has more energy then he knows what to do with. Trying to wrestle those kids & take pictures was wearing on me. luncheon kristofer was acting like and 8 year old. running with his cousins wanting to show off & be the one making every one laugh.. not so happy about that. Andee Kae continued to be cranky & threw up all over me... Thanks Dawn for making me look like the BUM sister with a hole in my shirt ... RUDE! Head home, clean the house, throw out every piece of trash in this house, & in the car.. still no wallet. Check fresh & easy one more time, even the gas station across the street. decide its time to just suck it up & tell andy. that went better then i expected.. managing andee kae this whole time, who btw wants to pull up on EVERYTHING & put every rock & piece of nothing into her little mouth! try getting anything accomplished while chasing her around & digging stuff out of her mouth every 2 minutes! Reception time, kids & self ready again. Wrestling andee kae & yelling at kristofer, decorating Shaines truck while still trying to enjoy myself.. EPIC FAIL! Dinner with Cristal, Rach & Dusty somewhere around 11pm last night was delish in my mouth. A few hours of sleep, started chasing that girl around bright & early at 6 am. Kristofer is a great big brother, he watches her to make sure no fingers go into farris' cage, she doesnt pull the play station down or eat any legos. I am blessed to have to great kids.

But being that its now 8 pm. Andy still is not home. Im exhausted. the laundries done but not folded. Ive still not found my wallet, obviously someone needed that money more then us.. its been a rough weekend for this girl. & Mister Mister will not be taking any more weekends away without me. Next person thats taking a weekend away is this girl.. Even if its just to a spa for the night.. ALONE!

This weekend reminded me of what its like to be an active mother with children & why i am told myself id never add to my house hold without a man thats around for good..