Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Everything'll Be Alright..

Lyrics to Everything'll Be Alright (Will's Lullaby) :
Way down, in New York town
Thinking about the way she loved me
There's a hole in my pocket
That's about her size
But I think everything
Is gonna be alright
Yes I hope everything
Is gonna be alright

The smiling face, straight in LA
The gifts are found at the bar
But I wish my car
Could drive to her tonight
Then I'd know everything
Is gonna be alright
Yes then I'd know
It'll be alright

The rain in New Orleans, forgot to end
But the mouths of the people are dry
And we watch and wait
And do nothing but sigh
And hope everything
Is gonna turn alright
But I don't know
If it'll be alright

But I look at you, warm in your dream
While your mobile dances above
And I think to myself
It's a beautiful night
And I know everything
Is gonna be alright
Yes now I know
It'll be alright

16 Months ago my heart was about to break.
I was the one breaking it, buckling a huge piece of it into her car seat, telling her I loved her, telling her she would always be "my girl", kissing her cheeks for the last time in awhile.

Last month Josh & Lizzy asked if they could come visit. Whoo Hoo! I was excited! I love them they are so dear to my heart. They have a piece of my heart. They comforted my aches and pains in sweet letters that i've read numerous times in hours of darkness. They have waited so patiently for this sweet angel to be in their lives. . They are the ones that will relay to my girl how much i love her. How much she is a part of me and my heart.

As the days dwindle down to just 3 I am overwhelmed. I find myself crying at every moment when im alone. I am nervous. I am scared. I am aching.

The last times Ive went and visited the Iggys, I left fine. Well the blessing wasnt perfect in anyway. It was emotional and I didnt say goodbye in the best way. None the less it was on my terms I guess. I was the one leaving her happy house, seeing how happy she was in that little house with her ever so loving parents. I was the one buckling myself into the car and driving away.

In 3 days I am going to have to buckle her in all over again and send her on her way. I could compare this feeling to the feeling of leaving the hospital with yourself in one car and your baby in another. That was my goodbye. That was my see you soon. I am scared to relive that. To hug the Iggys goodbye.. This goodbye is going to be just as painful as the first and I cant find anyway to prepare myself for it. .

Its going to be amazing to see her. To kiss her. To tell her how much I love her. To just hold that piece of my heart and feel whole for just one minute. .

Friday, March 19, 2010

Going Private

I never felt the need to make my blog private until now.
There has been some comments from a blogger I dont know that are in chinese or japanese, im not sure. but I dont like it. It freaks me out that someone reads my blog and writes these weird little comments. If I could identify this person I would, but their blog is also in whatever language and has no pictures or anything. So i feel kinda freaked out.

send me your addresses if youd like to read my blog still :)

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

My Littlest Love kristofer

Kristofer totally put me in my place tonight and he doesnt even know it. This morning I was ever so frustrated with him. Our mornings around here are very crazy. I leave my house to drive to Andys to pick him up BY 7. No later than 7:10. We go by the gas station religiously, drop kristofer off at school at exactly 7:35 right as the gates open to get Andy to work by 8. After that I head to wherever my day is taking me. Well this morning as we are walking out the door, already late mind you, kristofer shows me the snack bag for school and says its his turn to bring snack! I was like ugh I know I looked in your back pack how could I of missed it! I was a little irritated with him but instead of the gas station we stopped by the store super quick run in only 10 minutes later than usual. I pick him up from school ( a VERY short break from my Child Development homework) and he says asks if he can have the extra oreos i didnt send to school because they didnt eat his snack. I ask why. He tells me it wasnt really his day, he has had that bag at home for a long time but kept forgetting it.. Again frustration.

Fast forward to tonights homework with him. He has to draw a picture of the family tallest to shortest. of course it went like this Grandpa. Uncle Paulie,Uncle Ben,. Aunt Emilee. Mommy. Aunt Cristal. Grandma. Aunt Julia, and Kristofer

His reply to why he drew the faces he did, Granpa was laughing .uncle paul was sad, uncle ben is always mad at him and aunt emilee is ALWAYS smiling.. it just was a real eye opener to how much he really pays attention. How much he really picks up on. I need to stop being so frustrated to quick and realize that he is just 6. he just wants love just like everyone else. I love him. He is such a sweet boy. He is my most favorite little! kristofer david I love you! xoxo mommy

(one more short rant. sharing a child with someone is hard! especially when that someone thinks kindergarten is a joke)
My hope for today is that one day no one will use the phrase " You gave your baby away"

Or tell me they are sorry I had to do that..

I didn't "give" my baby away. I "gave" her a chance at a better life.

& no! I don't want your "i'm sorry" because I didn't "have" to do anything. I chose my path.

People are really ignorant and i'm dead sick of their stupid comments.
I know it shouldn't bother me but it does, badly.
it makes me angry when someone says
"im sorry you had to give your daughter away"

News flash I chose to give her a better life.