Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Today is the day I left the hospital with MY beautiful daughter, & placed her with Josh & Lizzy as THEIR beautiful daughter.

So many memories today. Getting my angel dressed in her special going home outfit. The car drive over to LDS Family Services. Sitting with Josh & Lizzy talking, cuddling the girl. Handing Mara to her Mom. Hugging when I was about to leave without my most precious item I had walked in there with. Driving home. Opening the gifts Josh & Lizzy had given me. The one that stands out most & forever will be in my mind is when I was sitting on the couch next to my mom about an hour after I had first gotten home... I got scared that Mara was scared. I was afraid she didnt know them. She didnt know their voices. That she wasnt used to them, she was used to me. ...

Now I can sit and realize that she did know them.
She wasnt afraid.
She knew that this was her plan before she was even born.

Sunday, November 8, 2009


The day has come. Beautiful Mara is no longer a baby she is a toddler! A year old and walking like crazy! I was in awe when I got some pictures from Josh & Lizzy from her first birthday party! This morning as I was getting ready for church, Lizzy called. How thoughtful for her to call and and ask if I wanted to talk to the sweet girl on her birthday! I was in a little bit of shock and trying my dang hardest not to start crying! My heart is so very full with love for Josh & Lizzy and their thoughtfulness and love for me. I was afraid today was going to be full of tears and sadness, but instead my heart is so full. Today was a great day and I wouldnt of asked for two better parents for my sweet angel!

Mara Jane, i love you! I miss you ever so dearly! It will never be said enough. You have grown into such a beautiful little girl over the last year! More precious than I ever thought possible!

Friday, November 6, 2009

The tears are plenty today.
Its been a very long week of TAN DUVETS!
A long week counting down the days til Miss Mara turns one.
I havent posted Halloween pictures, soon, i promise.
I knew a package was coming.
All week I have been wondering what it was going to hold.
Josh & Lizzy always send the sweetest things
& the nicest notes.
So I have been anxious. . .
I arrive home & just feel like I need to check the mail.
There is was a little white box.
No one is home which I am glad for.
Inside I find a gift bag, so cute, for her birthday party.
Two CD's, 1 for Kristofer pictures of her & him.
Another with pictures from when she was born & just little.
* by this time I am sobbing *
2 letters....
First from Lizzy, she tells me how glad she is to "know" me,
she says Mara is like me, skeptical grin, easy laugh, resilient & happy.
& that Mara always gets 2 kisses in the morning & the night from her.
Second from Josh, he says thank you for their little princess,
how fulfilling this year has been for him,
& how beautiful his Lizzy is being a mother.

I just want to say, that when I state that I miss Mara, its not a miss like I want her back or regret, I just miss her, I miss Josh & Lizzy in the same way. From May to November I formed a bond with two completely strangers that no one really understands, except us.

Every single day I pray & hope that Lizzy is giving her that extra kiss from me * & i got that conformation today *. The last couple days have been filled with emotion & memories leading up to her birth 1 year ago. The emotional preparations I was going through, hoping I could get through the next step of getting her to her family. I dont think of Mara as my daughter, she is Lizzys & Joshs daughter. They are her mom & dad. She is My Angel, I am not her mom. I am in Josh's words :: The Woman who had enough Faith, Courage, & Love to make an Eternal Family :: & I wouldnt change it for the world!!!

Yes, my heart aches, I am only human. My heart also SHINES! When I see that smile, my heart lights up, my face gets those dimples that only show when I smile a honest happy smile. Although she is so many miles away, & kisses are far between, she brightens every single day for me! She is a joy in my life, she is one of the two reasons I'm striving to be the best I possibly can.