Thursday, May 27, 2010

Is It Always Going To Be This Way...

Some days I wonder if its always going to be this way.
The way when someone asks how many kids do you have?
What do I reply? I have one son but I have birthed 2 children...
Will I ever stop considering her mine?
Is it wrong to even feel that she is mine?
Dont get me wrong I am beyond proud to call my self a birth mother.
I am proud to be a birth mother in the era where its ok, were we are praised and not looked down on.
Whenever some one asks how many children I have and I just answer one,
my heart breaks a little.
I can feel that scab being ripped open all over again.
Will it forever sting when Im asked how many children I have,
or will that ache slowly go away when I answer one?

May is always such a tough month.
I was finally on my own facing a pregnancy by myself.
Rights signed, and there was no one stopping me from making the choices I needed to make.
Memorial day is the day I found Josh & Lizzy.
The day I sat at my parents computer, and felt chills as I saw their profile.
Knowing just than that they were it.
There was no choice to be made.
I was going to entrust these two people to love my daughter.
That beautiful woman on the screen in front of me was going to be my baby girls mother.
She was the one I was going to entrust with enough kisses for two mothers.
& he, he was going to be the dad my little girl would never have with me.

At this time I hadnt set a name or anything because deep down I was trying not to get too attached.
She was just my little girl.
Maybe not forever, but until November she was Mine.


Rachael Who? said...

You should answer what feels best. If the best thing is to say two, my daughter is with her adoptive family, then say that. It doesn't have to be long and drawn out, just plain simple truth.

Anonymous said...

Simple is good. You did birth her, and give her a wonderful home.

Josh&Lizzy said...

Kattie, Katt, Katt.... I hope one day the ache will diminish- even disappear, but I know you will always have her in your heart. And at least for me? I think it's not bad at all that for you, she will always be a little bit "yours". And I think she will like that, too.

Anonymous said...

Well begun is half done. ............................................................

Anonymous said...

i've jumped onto your blog here and there for abot a year now. I came over from the R house blog. I myself am a birth mother as well. This September will be 3 yrs since placement. It will always be this way I believe but it does get better. those days however are marked with some of the most life changing events and it is hard to think of anything else but. one of the VP's at work about 3 weeks ago asked me if my 9 yr old was my only child. It hit me and had not in awhile. I had been doing quite well and in that moment time seem to stand completely still. I always wonder if the moment of silence is as long to them as it is to me. I feel like they look at me like, um hello you don't know how many children you have? I don't share it with the world , it's a pearl in my life that I don't want to be cast before a heard of swine so to speak. It depends on the person, but I always say one. I usually feel like by saying one, I am acting like my 2nd daughter doesn't exist, like I am not giving her the respect that she deserves. Now that it has been almost 3 yrs, I look back over the first year and could have never imagined having come this far. it is amazing where I am at compared to where i was. i have moments where my emotions are triggered and i want to run away from it all and i don't want it to exist because it is all too painful. i want to just be me and my daughter, yet on the other hand i wouldn't trade what i have experienced for the life of me. the moments that i realize how connected i am to adoption are when i read or hear stories of other birth mothers and i feel it tug at my heart strings in ways that it only would if you have experienced that particular journey yourself. I wish I could take it away from you. I don't know you but I feel like I do because of the connection we have of being a birth mother. I pray for your heart to heal, I pray that you are able to not hurt so much one day. Your little girl is gorgeous and you have done an amazing job friend. take care,

Loves, lots of them,

from one birth mother to another.