Sunday, October 4, 2009 need to read...

the reason im writing on my blog is because my journal is in storage and i just needed to get some stuff out!

This weekend i went to the cabin with Diane and the kids.
It was a lot of fun.
The kids played outside, the weather was super nice.
We made some great food and just hung out.

We had some great talks..
i love Di.
I love who she is as a person, a mother, a friend.. she is fun.
Di seems to be where I was almost two years ago.
Crying countless nites alone,
wondering why im just not good enough
for anyone to fight for, why am i so disposable.
she hasnt yet grasp that its okay to be alone.
that it shouldnt take someone else to make her happy
she should be loving herself and not worrying about otheres.

As i sat with her and just was so frustrated because she is better than that.
i realized im falling back into that same girl.
dependent on others for my smile, for my great mood.
i dont want to be that girl anymore. EVER AGAIN!

It breaks my heart to see her hurt,
i get so frustrated and want to scream at her because she is better than this.

i sat and told her about how when i got pregnant
i had no other choice but to be alone
it wasnt going away.
when i woke up that baby was still gonna be there
and i was still gonna be alone
i had to force myself to accept it.
& i can look back and see that those were the happiest days of my life
the happiest i have ever been was when i wasnt dependent on anyone else

i dont know how to get back to that.
i sit and tell Di she is so much better
but how do i take my own advice?
its a lot harder than it seems

its been 11 months since i have been that happy
my mara took a part of my happiness with her when she left
i want to fill it up with a new happiness
one that isnt produced by one else but me

im pretty sure im destined to be single FOREVER!
and i think thats ok
single fits me

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You won't be alone forever, you just need to look at your life and make things right.... then you can find someone Andrew and Dawn approved. Our choices will help us be happy because of the consequences that go with the good and the bad. You know where to look, just give in and do it!