the caption read "Kisses" my beautiful angel sending me kisses! love her!

Today i am feeling rather ....sensitive.

I was reading a blog (of course one about adoption) because that is all I ever do when my handy blackberry is in hand.

She wrote a post about how it is not just the birth mother that hurts and has a loss, buts also the child. One Adoptive Mother left a comment that said when she first got her baby she cried every time the baby cried thinking that he did not know them, that he was looking for that familiar voice that hes heard the last nine months.

I will never forget my very first night home. A few people had stopped by and my amazing friend Jenea was sitting on the couch and we were just talking, my mother on the other side of me. Suddenly I just broke into a hysterical cry. I was so scared for my precious baby girl. I was so afraid that maybe she was afraid because she didnt know them! She didnt know their voices. I wanted to be able to calm her if she was upset, to tell her one last time that it was all going to be ok. She was so good in the hospital for our 3 day stay. I dont think she cried ever!

A quick text to the Iggys confirmed that she was perfect. I felt crazy. I felt like I shouldnt be bothering them but it was in fact the only thing that could calm me down, when I was afraid for my little girl.

The 2 year mark has recently passed for when that little girl started her 9 month stay in my tummy. I see myself sometimes falling back into those bad habits, falling back into that very very dark place that I thought I was stuck in. This time around though im not going to sit and drown again. Im going to take the steps and start changing what im doing so that im never in that place again.

Someone is watching out for me. I dont know how they do it but it seems EVERY time im having a rough day or just wishing I could whisper i love you in that little ear, the Iggys will randomly send a picture. The other night I got one that sent me over the top with a huge smile on my face! The Iggys had no idea that I had been planning on asking them if I could come up for a quick visit in march. Lizzy called to ask if they could come see me!!! WHAT?! Seriously you guys want to come see me! um are you crazy yes! Lizzy is always so cute she always asks if its ok if she calls. I always reassure her that her calls dont bring me down they make my day! They make me smile! They send me into giddy excitement! March 27th is the day and I cant wait!!!! I am so excited i t consumes my thoughts on a regular basis! Kristofer is also beyond excited. He is so stinking cute when he always wants to go see her, and asks about her. He took a picture to school so he could show everyone his sister. The way he just explains things is adorable.

One month and that little ear will be all mine to say as many i love you's as i can possible fit in!

Love Him! I was feeling a little down & text Andy, telling him that when I went to take him some dinner I needed a good laugh to cheer me up.. Not even 10 minutes later he tells me to check my email & this is what I received! I am still cracking up! I love him. Thanks Babe for making me feel better!

Homework stinks! I swear its hard to get back in the groove of school when you havent been for what 6 yrs!

Another happy note for those of you who dont follow my facebook.. i got the best, most amazing news a couple nights ago. Its kinda a secret & i am trying not to get too excited (which isnt working its all I think about & talk about)

Josh & Lizzy want to come visit me!!!!!! I cant wait to see them & that beautiful Princess!!! I am blessed to have such great friends in the Iggys. They are sooo good to me. They say adoption is about love & yes it is. Not just from the birthmother, but from every one involved. Thank you Josh & lizzy for going above & way beyond anything that I have ever asked. I love you guys!

Now to get back to my homework..

On Sunday Andy & i were just having random conversation about absolutely nothing, yet everything at the same time. My favorite kind of talks with him. It seems we are always finding out new things about each other. He said to me that I have never really talked to him about he relationship that I was in when this sweet girl came into my life. Those days are so hard for me to think about. When I do i realize what a sad, dark place I was in, & i thank heavens for this unplanned 'crisis' pregnancy. It scares me to think of where I would be if this sweet Angel had not come into my life. I miss her so much. Yet I wouldnt change the world for the new life she gave me.. Thats right, giving her life, also gave me a new chance at life I didnt know I had.

I love you Mara Jane.

i miss the girl.
its moments when life slows down for just a second that i realize.
i looked at the iggys blog the other day.
so many updates.
so many pictures of my sweet angel.
i asked andy as we sat watching..
"can you believe that i made that girl?
can you believe that she is mine?"

his response was something along the lines of
"yes, when are you giving me mine"

life has been busy.
too busy to mourn the loss of things that are unsaid right now.
things that i cant really understand.
but its in these little slow moments that i wish i had something going on.


i can feel a break down coming.
not sure when..
all i can say is that im tired of crying over loss of babies.

i thought i was doing good,
but now i just miss my princess even more.

For all my fabulous readers
just figured i'd update ya'll about my crazy beautiful life.
1. i start school next month! i am feeling anxious
(next semester i might even jump into a class on campus WOAH)
2. kristofer is doing great in kindergarten.
he is always excited to go to school & rarely complains.
(boy I am lucky)
3. life on the sofa couch is restless.
I am always waiting for the final person to go to sleep,
& always up with the very first person .. yawn
4. My beloved Andrew... i love him.
we have had our moments but who hasnt *honestly*
at my maddest moment I can still name more reasons i love him than why I hate him.
& i cant see anyone making me smile more than he does.
5. next month marks 2 (yes 2) years of conceiving The Girl.
man oh man i cant believe she is getting so big,
time is a flyin'
.....i miss her more than ever lately....
6. work is slow
but i enjoy the time i get to spend with my sister.
One day we WILL have the Katt & Rachael show.


xoxoxox

Todays the day I do something about it. I am done sitting around waiting for *someone to change so I can get on with what I want in life. Im almost 25 & my parents didnt raise me to live the way I have. They didnt teach me to let people walk on me, or let myself take care of everyone before I take care of myself. I am tired of it. I applied for some jobs today ( I hope everyone prays I get one, wink wink) & with the help of my lovely sister I applied for school. I dont think there is any reason for me with my work experience & life experience that I should be living with my parents with no car. I am excited to be on this new road of happiness. All I have ever wanted in life was to be happy.I can stand by the fact that lately I have been hoping for someone else to make me happy, for someone to change & realize what he is going to be loosing. But I am tired of waiting & i know I alone can be happy. Ill tell you at the lowest part of my life, after I cleaned it up & realized I wasnt settling anymore, I was the happiest ive ever been. I was the most happy when I was pregnant with my sweet sweet girl. Some think how could I ever be happy, pregnant & alone. Truth is I wasnt alone. I had my sweet son, my precious angel, amazing family & Josh & Lizzy. All those people were all I needed & i was happy. I am excited to get my own place & get life together & not let it fall apart again for the millionth time it seems! Some exciting things are happening, also some very hard things. I know I have been through harder things, i have weathered harder storms all I have to say is * tomorrows another day, im thirsty any way, so bring on the rain *

Precious Mara, i miss you so badly today. I miss your little cry & your pirate eye. I miss the very first moment I held you, & the very last kiss I gave you. I miss feeding you your bottle & getting you dressed. Your growing into a girl with so much personality & im sad I cant be around more to see it. I love you.