Sunday, March 8, 2009

Four Months. Wow thats almost half a year! Every month on the 8th marks a "day" Some good, some not so good. Last night as I was just talking to Andy about Mara, I was telling him that she was now four months and I coudlnt believe how time has gone by so quick. Since going and seeing Mara I gained "closure" for lack of better word. As Andy pointed out last night, I no longer yearn for their words. I dont cling to every single letter that I get. Yes I still get all giddy excited but its not the same. Im growing independent and not relying on those things to help me through my day. Dont doubt for a single second that I dont miss that girl more than anything, but seeing her happy and seeing how it has changed Josh and Lizzy's whole life makes it all worth it. My heart is mending, i cant promise that its going to be whole again...ever, but I know that its getting better. It doesn't hurt so much anymore. I can actually get through a day without crying a few tears in my daily shower. Thank you Andy for pointing out that Im doing better, and sitting be me even in my worst state. Not many strange men would walk into this and be so supportive. Thank you Family for letting me cry when needs be, or just ramble on about Mara even though sometimes you have hears the stories a million times. Today I just sat back and thought about how much I wanted to be done being pregnant, to just get through that bittersweet day, now I want to relive it. I want to never forget it. Every moment of it has changed me and changed who I am growing into. I love every single one of you.

1 comment:

Michelle said...

you're amazing!!

my sweet korver is 5 1/2 months now. i love him more than anything and having an open adoption has helped me move on sooner than i thought i ever would. i will never be the same because of him. he will always have a huge part of me and i love him more than anyone in the whole world.

i am lucky enough to live 20 minutes away from the awesome family i placed him with and get to see him often. i saw him tonight and still smell like baby barf. in my eyes, it really couldn't be better than that right now ... watching my little sweetheart grow up.

i'm glad you have such an open adoption with mara. it heals more than anyone can explain.