I AM BLESSED..

To have Kristofer's Kisses.
That Andy puts up with my moodiness.
That Emilee has pillow fights with me when I need put in line.
To have good friends.
To have a HUGE loving family,
and to be able to create families.

Bows!
I love 'em!
I was told once that only 7 yr old girls wear bows.
A day like today is a bow day.
It makes me feel just a little happier inside.

5 Things

5 things I was doing 5 years ago;
Loving not working
Having Kristofer
Waiting for a house to be built
Being some ones wife
Missing my Family


5 things I would do with a million dollars:
Pay off debt
buy a house
buy a car
get a dog
buy a husband

5 placed I have lived
Tucson Az
Moms
Sossamon & University
Lindsey & Southern
Princess St

5 jobs I have had:
La Fitness
The Post office
Childrens Safari
Papa Kelseys
Wal Mart

I feel overwhelmed with emotion today.
not the good ones either.
i feel like the start to one of "those days" .
I actually wish it wasnt saturday,
because during the week I drown myself with work
so i dont have a chance to feel like i do today.

If I can stop one heart from breaking,

I shall not live in vain.

If I can ease one life the aching,

Or cool one pain,

Or help one fainting robin

Unto his nest again,

I shall not live in vain.

~Emily Dickinson

The last couple days have been pretty down for me, so I decided that I was going to make a list of things I love and focus on the good...

* Freshly cut grass.
* Kristofer telling me Im the BEST mom
* Andy wearing shirts that show off his muscles.
* A new born babies FIRST cry.
* A steamy bathroom.
* Mashed Potatos & Fried Chicken.
* Kristofer accomplishing things he has been working at.
* Emilee singing.
* Singing as loud as I want in the car.
*Pictures of Mara.
* Daddies sense of humor.
* Moms hugs.
* Pictures of Mara.
*Kristofers hugs & kisses.
* Those trees that smell like rain.
* Clean towels.
* A good book.
* Open Adoption.
* My Pre School class
* My moms picture wall that is always changing :)
* Andy skate boarding
* Big hair!
..........................

Thats just the start of my list ...but it sure does help to get my mind off the bad for just a minute.

As long as Im living My baby you'll be

Ill love you forever
Ill like you for always
As long as I'm living
My baby you'll be.

I never get to cuddle him.
For about a minute he was half asleep
and let me hold him.

He was off to do
"Busier Things"
Sometimes I just want to cuddle
with my little baby!

The Child Files

This Girl Is Beautiful! 4 Months Has Come And Gone

With Two Teeth Coming Into This Girls Mouth!
From Baby To Monster!

She Is Growing So Much & Is Just So Aware!
I Love This Girl
Josh & Lizzy Are Perfect Parents
She Is The Luckiest Girl To Have So Much Love
From So Many Families.

And Then There Is The Boy.
He Thought He Was So Clever
Batman Pajamas-Check
Batman Underwear- Check
Batman Toy- Check

He Is So Dang Cute.

New Career.........

Emilee and I decided that on this lovely Sunday. Andy was going to be our Guinea Pig. We took are hand at Tattooing.,.. Lets just say I will stick with Children and Emilee wont drop out of school. Although it was fun to do. How easy will it come off? Only the shower will tell... Andy is such a good sport. Thanks babe!

Random Dates....

Andy says I remember very 'Random Dates'
For example last year on this very day I found out I was pregnant
Random to most but very significant to me
The last time i got my nails done before today 5/17 /09
Why i remember to clearly?
The day i left that horrible place with David
Random to some Significant to me
Everyone has their random dates
Mine are dates that have changed my life

Crazy how I dont remember very many dates when it comes to kristofer
but I seem to remember every single moment with Mara

Adoption Pamphlet

Audra asked me a LONG time ago it seems, if I would write a short something for a pamphlet on adoption. I finally gave in and wrote it tonight. Im not sure how it sounds or even looks. Maybe its not even what she is looking for but I gave her my heart on a platter with these words! i hope someone somewhere someday gets some use out of My Story.

Over the last three years I have had to watch my son grow in between homes, Back and forth questioning why his parents are not together. It tore me apart to watch him suffer. When I was forced to face a pregnancy alone I automatically knew my choice. I could not give another child a broken home . I knew I could care for her and give her what she NEEDED, that wasnt good enough for me. I knew in the end she deserved everything I had and more. She deserved better. Life is what I gave her. Not just to her but to her parents who had been anxiously awaiting her and had been well prepared. Her birth has forever been implanted in my mind. It has forever changed me.That day i broke my own heart, I lost a part of myself. I love her more than any words can ever explain.She is mine. She will always be mine. Nothing can change that. She is also theirs. Adoption is something beautiful. It forces amazing things out of something that started as a crisis. It isnt somthing to be ashamed of. I couldnt be more greatful to be called a Birthmother. To be part of giving life. Not a sinlge day, nor breath goes by when she isnt in my thoughts. She is Ours because I chose adoption. Thank you Audra for giving me this opportunity.

Four Months. Wow thats almost half a year! Every month on the 8th marks a "day" Some good, some not so good. Last night as I was just talking to Andy about Mara, I was telling him that she was now four months and I coudlnt believe how time has gone by so quick. Since going and seeing Mara I gained "closure" for lack of better word. As Andy pointed out last night, I no longer yearn for their words. I dont cling to every single letter that I get. Yes I still get all giddy excited but its not the same. Im growing independent and not relying on those things to help me through my day. Dont doubt for a single second that I dont miss that girl more than anything, but seeing her happy and seeing how it has changed Josh and Lizzy's whole life makes it all worth it. My heart is mending, i cant promise that its going to be whole again...ever, but I know that its getting better. It doesn't hurt so much anymore. I can actually get through a day without crying a few tears in my daily shower. Thank you Andy for pointing out that Im doing better, and sitting be me even in my worst state. Not many strange men would walk into this and be so supportive. Thank you Family for letting me cry when needs be, or just ramble on about Mara even though sometimes you have hears the stories a million times. Today I just sat back and thought about how much I wanted to be done being pregnant, to just get through that bittersweet day, now I want to relive it. I want to never forget it. Every moment of it has changed me and changed who I am growing into. I love every single one of you.

What if you could wish me away
Never loved nobody fully
I wont put my hands up and surrender
All my friends say that its gonna get better
Something tastes different
I love the way you say Good Morning
Why does every moment have to be so hard
I hate the phone but I wish you'd call
Always one foot on the ground
Baby its so easy loving you
Wonder if you'd miss me when I'm gone
Sometimes Good Bye is a second chance
And I wouldn't change a thing
Its always better when we're together
Thinking why does this happen to me
You take me the way I am
We're all just breakable Girls and Boys
Your love is like a red umbrella
I'm sure I've got bruises on my heart
I never thought I would love anyone but myself
I'm gonna smile because I deserve to
You can wear your sorrow like an old rain coat
I wanna love like Johny and June
Let it fall it ain't gonna drown me after all
I was sitting waiting wishing you believed in superstition
Love is the answer to the questions in my heart
I need this old train to break down
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Life's like a novel with the end ripped out
This is the way I need to wake
You never left me all that I dream't had been untrue
She needs to feel that fire
I don't know what I want
I've got a pocket full of sunshine
I'm alone on my own
I'm just a girl trying to find a place in this world
So many things have come
So Many things have gone
Something like this doesn't exist
All I ever wanted
Just the way you look tonight
Swirling in a sun dress wearing my ring

Today I miss the Girl. Thats all I just miss her. I want to kiss her, I want to hug her, I just want to run my fingers over her little cheek and tell her I love her, just tell her that not a SINGLE breath is taken that she isnt in my thoughts.