Guess what?

WERE GOING TO VEGAS
IN 5 DAYS!
WHOO HOO
I AM SO STOKED!

Mara Update

No doubt a Gillespie baby,
at heart!
She has the rolls to show it.
Beautiful Girl!
She is nearing 7 months!
I cant even believe it.
Where has the time gone?
9 days til Vegas!
I love you Mara Jane

Catching up!

Kristofer now thinks he is a mountain man.

I cant even believe it!

He cracks me up!

I love this kid.

He is adorable and always keeps me on my toes!

Best part is he is a mamas boy

so he loves me best!

Its Final!

Josh & Lizzy had their court date 5/19,

Now Mara is officially theirs!

The wks are flying by!

Its getting super close to my next visit!

cant wait!

Kristofer is SUPER excited,

to see his sister!

Lets see in other news.....

I finally went back to group!

Man I have missed it!

I didnt realize and didnt want to but it was great.

Just sitting with girls that you KNOW are going through

or are about to go through

the same struggles you are

is comforting.

No one really gets it but them.

Birthmothers day * the saturday before mothers day*

was great! I got flowers from the Iggys

and a text filled with love!

They are so good to me.

Always so thoughtful.

Mothers day came and went.

Josh didnt give me Kristofer til late.

Andy turned 23! Man he is getting old!

I bought him a RC Boat for his birthday.

He loves it more than me :(

Andy became an uncle again!

His brother's Lady had a pretty little girl Marley.

I finally took my very first visit to the hospital

it wasnt as bad as I was thinking it would be.

Kristofer only has 2 more soccer games.

Last week he totally kicked butt and won his game 8 to 2!

That kid is gonna go places!

Andy and I are doing great.

He is currently building a dirt jump in the back yard!

Ugh that stresses me out!

Im counting down the days and its only 15 til Vegas!

Somedays it just hits me like a ton a of bricks.
Friday was on of those days.
A very sweet letter from Josh & Lizzy sent me into a weeping mess.
Today a video of her laughing on their blog has done the same.
She is growing ever so quickly.
Sittin up and laughing.

It just aches somedays,
to know that very first laugh had to be heard over video,
that her very first steps will im sure be the same.

I am FOREVER greatful that I can be able to see those videos
and am still able to see her grow,
but that pain is just there still.

6 monthes has come way too fast.
I feel everytime a new challenge comes im starting grieving all over again.
I know its because I havent ever let myself deal with it completely.
In one month I will be holding that girl again.
Kissing her sweet face and hearing that laugh all on my own!
Oh i cant wait.
Just the thought gives me that cheesy smile I cant hide!

it also brings on a whole new saddness and wonder.
When will I get to kiss her little cheeks again?

Today is one of those days.
I am counting down the hours til I get off work,
til im home all by myself,
so i can cry.
Today I just need to cry and miss that girl........

Thank You Dawn

I have been into reading a lot lately. I just love it. Everyone is always shocked to see me with a book in my hand. One night I called Dawn and asked her for a good book. She gave me a book called "Love & Grace" Let me just tell you, Dawn you pulled on my heart strings. I have been having a hard time lately wondering why I had to go through this? Why everyday am I faced with such heart ache? I know why, there where two people that needed me. Two people that needed a baby that they could not give each other. Heavenly Father trusted me. He had enough faith and trust in me that I would deliver this beautiful girl to where she needed to be. That after she was done helping me with my own life that she would be with her rightful family. Some days its so hard. I dont even know how i got through those moments in the hospital. How I willingly handed her to another woman and put such faith in her to love her like I would.... In the next month I will be able to know that Mara is where she is supposed to be. That because Josh & Lizzy have lived their life int he way they should their daughter will be theirs forever!

I tried to convince Mom a while back that if I just try hard to forget it will go away. . .
She being the brilliant Mother she is let me know that wont happen. . . .
I have finally got around to actually making time for Group.
I so dearly miss the other girls, and just being around them,
knowing that there is someone that feels what I do on a daily basis.
Hopefully it will help.
I have not been doing so great lately.

Spent Easter at Andy's Aunt Kathys home.
Went to his sisters dance concert!
She is an amazing dancer.
Kristofer is in soccer! Can you believe that!
He is a great little guy.

Mara's adoption is getting super close to being finalized.
Looks like I will be taking a trip the start of June.
She will be sealed and blessed in the same weekend!
What a blessing to know Mara will have her Eternal Family.


I have nothing really to update otherwise.
Life is flying by.

This was the sight five months ago today.
The hardest, saddest, toughest day of my life.
Nothing will ever compare to the pain I felt that day,
All with just a signing of my name.
You are no longer her mother
Will forever remain in my mind.
The Twelve of every month is never through,
Until those words have rung in my ears.
The Eight is always a sad day, but also happy.
I gave life that day.
Four days later I gave it away.