Random Venting

Sometimes i just dont know...
you would think that me of all people would learn my lesson.
I would get it.
I wouldn't want to walk back down the road I have so many times.
I'm having a rough time with Andy.

Why is it that i so willingly give my whole self to someone
and the only thing they give back is more heart ache than the last.

I feel sad for him that he will never truly love.
That he assumes lust as love.
He so easily let his lust for someone else get the best of him.
Regardless of the girl that was at home,
the girl that was working so very hard to make sure we stayed a float
when he didn't want to work.

Now today I sit..
He sent a text he deleted all pictures off his phone and myspace.
No big deal to anyone else right?
Well when asked to do the same i couldn't.
I sat and looked and realized that was a memory.
It was a time when i felt happy.

I hope this time around i get it..
i don't want to walk down this road of hurt anymore
I so badly don't want to be here ever again.

Andy-
i love you. I will always love you. You brought out a side of me I didn't know was there. You helped me realize its okay to not have a plan, its okay to spend even when you shouldn't. Life is too short to sit and dwell on everything wrong. I want to see that guy again someday. That guy that made me smile. The guy that tried to be something else because he wanted to impress me that very first night. I hope you find that guy and give him fully to the next person who loves you as much as i love that guy....

The Little Things..

Yep see that boy? Thats why shes banging on the window..
Josh and Lizzy you guys sure are in trouble with this girl!

Last night I was just sitting around with my friend Di, and I get this ever to random text. Let me first explain that this kind of random text are perfect! They put a smile on my face from ear to ear. Of course it was from Josh & Lizzy! Dang I just love them! They are so sweet to me!

Mara Janes 10 Favorite Things at 10 Months
1. She loves ice cold water (it must have ice)
2.She likes toast (but first licks the jam off)
3. She bangs on the wall in the morning when she is ready to get up or yells DAD, DAD because Dad gets her up)
4.Her newest feat -as of yesterday- is crawling up the stairs \ rather quickly
5. She loves baths
6.She loves loves to be outside
7. She can sign "more" & does it immediately after every bite, when she really likes something ( like right now as Liz is feeding her yogurt)
8. She calls the dog by his name, Brody -or rather "Bow-ee"
9.She loves being around other kids
10. She loves to watch football with her daddy, especially in her cowboys jersey

This my friends is one of the many reasons I am lucky. A reason why I would tell anyone to choose Adoption. A reason I just think Mara has the best parents! A reason that I call Josh & Lizzy family!
I love you guys thank you for making my day!

Oh Life

Ugh today has been one of those days..
im sure it has a lot to do with the fact that its been a rough week.
Andy and I have parted ways,
and so have my job and myself.
Both are good changes.
I cant decide what career i want to do now,
but i dont think its in child care.
yes i love it and want to further my education
but at the end of such a long day i am stressed
any little thing kristofer does makes me want to scream!
I am sad that andy and i have to be apart
and cant even be friends
i wish that there was more nice things i could say
but at this moment there is nothing worth saying.
except i wish him the best.. with his many girlfriends
*that he thought I wouldnt find out about*
okay maybe im a little bitter...

I have had some nice chats with a friend from my teenage yrs lately
he has been making me see that i have been putting up with dirt.
it is so sad to report that when someone says nice things to me
it makes me cry more than the mean things.
today i had my friend Di's kids ::2 & 3 ::
we went about our day picked up kristofer
got snacks drove around * yes it 3 kids makes a very loud car ride *
i texted him and said that three kids was a lot to handle
his reply literally made my heart skip
* your a strong person & if anyone can do it its you *
lately i havent been feeling that great about anything
and its nice to know that there is someone who sees what im doing
and maybe thinks its ok.

Audra also wrote a very sweet post on the blog
about her amazing birthmothers
that brought me right back to that day at Joes.
last yr i had two best friends
who were expecting their very first baby
and i was expecting the most changing event in my life
we all got though it ok..

the r house

I am a follower of a blog "the r house"
I have a button on my page that goes to their page
EVERYONE I know and who follows my blog should read
& follow this blog

I dont know them personally,
but my heart aches for the struggles they are going through

in my very own situation with Mara
I would NOT give anyone false hope
I would NOT give any couple a letter until I knew
that Maras birth father had no more rights

for me to think about what they are going through saddens me
I pray that their baby gets the blessings his birth mother wanted for him

.....

:: TODAY ::

I feel the need to express this..
I AM PROUD TO BE A BIRTH MOTHER!

Some day's I cant think of many things I am proud of myself for,
but today I am proud that I can say
I'M A BIRTH MOTHER!

10 Whole Months Ago..

304 days ago..
doesnt really seem that long ago.
that cry, that smell, that sweet baby skin...
everytime i think it gets easier every emotion is pushed back into my heart.
all the aches, all the tears, all the baby giggles im missing out on,
are worth it though.

the joy i gave to two people.
the joy i gave to that girl,
by simply giving life!

somedays i get so angry!
I dont know how anyone in their right mind could not give life!
it makes me angry when i think of it.
when i hear people talk of it.
its such a simple thing,
just giving life..

I feel so many different emotions today. I am so grateful for Josh & Lizzy. So grateful they opened their hearts to me. So much fear on both sides that i think we both overcame.. I know i couldnt of overcome that fear without them. Josh & Lizzy I love you your simply amazing

My heart hurts a little. I miss her.

Miss Mara Jane happy 10 months!
I love you!
I miss you!
I hope your always told how much your Birthmother loves you.
& i hope you always get that kiss thats just from me!