Some days I wonder if its always going to be this way. The way when someone asks how many kids do you have? What do I reply? I have one son but I have birthed 2 children... Will I ever stop considering her mine? Is it wrong to even feel that she is mine? Dont get me wrong I am beyond proud to call my self a birth mother. I am proud to be a birth mother in the era where its ok, were we are praised and not looked down on. Whenever some one asks how many children I have and I just answer one, my heart breaks a little. I can feel that scab being ripped open all over again. Will it forever sting when Im asked how many children I have, or will that ache slowly go away when I answer one?
May is always such a tough month. I was finally on my own facing a pregnancy by myself. Rights signed, and there was no one stopping me from making the choices I needed to make. Memorial day is the day I found Josh & Lizzy. The day I sat at my parents computer, and felt chills as I saw their profile. Knowing just than that they were it. There was no choice to be made. I was going to entrust these two people to love my daughter. That beautiful woman on the screen in front of me was going to be my baby girls mother. She was the one I was going to entrust with enough kisses for two mothers. & he, he was going to be the dad my little girl would never have with me.
At this time I hadnt set a name or anything because deep down I was trying not to get too attached. She was just my little girl. Maybe not forever, but until November she was Mine.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
"God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way"
This past weekend Kristofer, Andy & I ventured out to San Diego California. This vacation was much needed for everyone involved. We arrived late Friday night, a mishap at the DMV almost prevented us from going. No need to worry, we prevailed.. (with suspended plates, driving on hopes & dreams that the police would be easy on us, in the incident we got pulled over) I did all the driving. Let me tell you that 6 hours, with one little stop in Yuma is LONG! Saturday we woke up...early... Andys niece's live there with his parents. The joys of sharing a room with a 1 yr old that cries at 5 am.. Took a little trip to the beach. It was freezing! Kristofer although found it perfect weather to boogy board. Dont know how he pulled it off, i was wrapped in towels the entire time! There was a US Navy HoverCraft thing on the beach. Andy was obsessed and just HAD to watch it leave the beach. Of course we got it on video & i have to admit it was pretty awesome to see such a huge piece of metal hovering above the ground! Sunday we went to Lego Land. I have to admit it was pretty amazing! Everything built out of tiny lego pieces, Seriously! Kristofer had a blast so did Andy. We took Andys niece Eastonne, she is such a good little girl!\ Sunday night was spent just the 5 of us, Andys parents went to Disney that day, and didnt get home til much later. We ate Mongolian for dinner and watched Toy Story 2 until we fell asleep. Monday we made the long drive home. Making it home around 10:30 pm. It was a really fun weekend I will post pictures very very soon. Yesterday was meant for car cleaning and laundry, but my lovely Andrew forgot the keys in his pocket & took them to work. It was a nice morning for a walk from his home to mine ( about 2 miles) & a pretty dang good reason to catch up on sleep ALL DAY! Back to work today. The usual catty drama of my cashiers who range from 20-30. I swear i just want them to go where i need them to without complaining! If i need you to be the garden cashier go there, dont whine and stomp your feet about how much you hate it, we all do things we hate just do it! Today the decided to short us a break cashier so i spent most my morning in different areas giving breaks. Its not that fun when you have your phone ringing with people that need your "magic numbers" the minute your off the register, running Self Check Out plus your own register ( a total of 5) with some customer telling you that he should be able to use his coupon today because its only 2 days early so can he please just have the discount on his 400.00 purchase. & of course i have to give it to him because thats what we do at the Depot, we please our customers in every way possible. Any who. kristofers last day of kindy-garden is the 27th. I cant believe he will be in the 1st grade! He is growing too fast. Little miss Mara is also growing like a weed! I cant believe how stinkin cute that girl is! If you havent checked out her parents blog you should, shes cute. & so is her brand new little sister! yes the little girl is now a littel big sister.
Until my next post with a million pictures, have a great and fabulous day..
Saturday, May 8, 2010
All I wanted today was to be taken out to dinner by Andy. Tough I know. What I got was a "I wanna hang out with my friends on my weekend" (disclaimer-he has been with them since noon while I worked) No guy dated has done anything for me on mothers day. Its a joke to try & get my son from his father, he seems to believe that Mothers Day is for HIS mother, not me.
My only saving grace today was beautiful flowers from the Iggys. If it wasnt for that Id for sure have a nervous break down. Instead its only a little break down.
All I wanted was dinner since im working all day tomorrow. Is that too much to ask?
