im just flat tired of being put second.
it seems like oh hey ya we can hang out.
wait imma go do this better thing than ill come see you.
im not the only female with the problem.
it seems guys these days are all jerks.
no matter what.
its like somewhere guys being born after 1980
got the "im refusing to let my friends go" gene
& "i refuse to be tied down" gene
somewhere a healthy relationship consists of
*spending minimal time together
*having your very own life that doesnt involve the other person
* & not keeping plans.
im so frustrated i could cry
im so tired of being let down that now im just done expecting anything

The less you expect the less you hurt.

Christmas Has Come & Passed

Merry Christmas everyone! I cant believe its another year gone! Wow where has the time went. My beloved family left for California this morning early so Christmas was just Andy, Kristofer & I. I cant say that I've had a better Christmas than the one I had this year. Kristofer lucked out with some Ben 10 guys, tech dechs & ramp, clothes & other random things that 6 year old boys think make their days so much easier. I got Andy some new clothes & cologne. He was such a sweet heart blessed me with socks, a belt & a Weezer shirt -my all time favorite band- & this beautiful ring with a January stone in it for the month we started dating. We headed out to the dog park & spent sometime at his house with his brother Grady. Rachael made some delicious dinner and the kids had a good time playing. Now Im home making sure the mess is cleaned up from breakfast and presents. About ready to pop in a movie and cuddle up in my blankets on the couch. I hope everyone had a great Christmas like I did!

P.s All through the day I have received pictures of the most beautiful Princess who is growing ever so fast! It just puts the biggest brightest smile on my face seeing how she is big enough to open her presents & loves to carry a purse! Aw I cant wait until i can visit her again. Im sure she is like a whole different baby! I didnt realize how much i am missing her until i started to write this. She is such a blessed little girl . Josh & Lizzy are so wonderful to me!

Everythings a little messy around my life these days, but i can always count on this to make me smile & remember the great blessings in my life! What a beautiful little family!

The big Beautiful Family.

Sometimes i wonder where on earth this kid came from! I swear no less then 15 pictures & a threatened bed time & a spankin. We got none with us both smiling. Everyone was laughing so he just kept on going with the faces. I swear if anyone knows where he came from let me know!

Today is the day I left the hospital with MY beautiful daughter, & placed her with Josh & Lizzy as THEIR beautiful daughter.

So many memories today. Getting my angel dressed in her special going home outfit. The car drive over to LDS Family Services. Sitting with Josh & Lizzy talking, cuddling the girl. Handing Mara to her Mom. Hugging when I was about to leave without my most precious item I had walked in there with. Driving home. Opening the gifts Josh & Lizzy had given me. The one that stands out most & forever will be in my mind is when I was sitting on the couch next to my mom about an hour after I had first gotten home... I got scared that Mara was scared. I was afraid she didnt know them. She didnt know their voices. That she wasnt used to them, she was used to me. ...

Now I can sit and realize that she did know them.
She wasnt afraid.
She knew that this was her plan before she was even born.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARA

The day has come. Beautiful Mara is no longer a baby she is a toddler! A year old and walking like crazy! I was in awe when I got some pictures from Josh & Lizzy from her first birthday party! This morning as I was getting ready for church, Lizzy called. How thoughtful for her to call and and ask if I wanted to talk to the sweet girl on her birthday! I was in a little bit of shock and trying my dang hardest not to start crying! My heart is so very full with love for Josh & Lizzy and their thoughtfulness and love for me. I was afraid today was going to be full of tears and sadness, but instead my heart is so full. Today was a great day and I wouldnt of asked for two better parents for my sweet angel!

Mara Jane, i love you! I miss you ever so dearly! It will never be said enough. You have grown into such a beautiful little girl over the last year! More precious than I ever thought possible!

The tears are plenty today.
Its been a very long week of TAN DUVETS!
A long week counting down the days til Miss Mara turns one.
I havent posted Halloween pictures, soon, i promise.
I knew a package was coming.
All week I have been wondering what it was going to hold.
Josh & Lizzy always send the sweetest things
& the nicest notes.
So I have been anxious. . .
I arrive home & just feel like I need to check the mail.
There is was a little white box.
No one is home which I am glad for.
Inside I find a gift bag, so cute, for her birthday party.
Two CD's, 1 for Kristofer pictures of her & him.
Another with pictures from when she was born & just little.
* by this time I am sobbing *
2 letters....
First from Lizzy, she tells me how glad she is to "know" me,
she says Mara is like me, skeptical grin, easy laugh, resilient & happy.
& that Mara always gets 2 kisses in the morning & the night from her.
Second from Josh, he says thank you for their little princess,
how fulfilling this year has been for him,
& how beautiful his Lizzy is being a mother.

I just want to say, that when I state that I miss Mara, its not a miss like I want her back or regret, I just miss her, I miss Josh & Lizzy in the same way. From May to November I formed a bond with two completely strangers that no one really understands, except us.

Every single day I pray & hope that Lizzy is giving her that extra kiss from me * & i got that conformation today *. The last couple days have been filled with emotion & memories leading up to her birth 1 year ago. The emotional preparations I was going through, hoping I could get through the next step of getting her to her family. I dont think of Mara as my daughter, she is Lizzys & Joshs daughter. They are her mom & dad. She is My Angel, I am not her mom. I am in Josh's words :: The Woman who had enough Faith, Courage, & Love to make an Eternal Family :: & I wouldnt change it for the world!!!

Yes, my heart aches, I am only human. My heart also SHINES! When I see that smile, my heart lights up, my face gets those dimples that only show when I smile a honest happy smile. Although she is so many miles away, & kisses are far between, she brightens every single day for me! She is a joy in my life, she is one of the two reasons I'm striving to be the best I possibly can.