One Day...

One day you wake up after a night of fighting & sleeping it off.

You think its going to be ok as you kiss goodbye for the day.

Hours go by, you get a text asking whats going on a facebook..

You know nothing of facebook because your working.

Your curiosity gets the best of you, you look.

Your "fiance" has changed his status to "single"...

Your heart drops. You cant breath, you shake & then you realize it wasnt just a fight.

Its the end of a chapter, a chapter you thought was going to be the last one in your book of life.

Today i get to start a new chapter.

Im not happy about it, im pretty sad actually.

But as we all know, ive overcome so much & ill overcome this.

You cant force someone to want the same life you do.....

Here goes to chapter 1,004,675 in my book of life.

I cant promise butter flies & rainbows in this chapter.

But i can promise someone being real.

Some one trying to wade thru the mud & find that clear water.

On a happier note. I got a surprise phone from the sweetest (almost) 3 year old, our first ever actual phone conversation. It brighten my day & warmed my heart. More on that later on. Lets just say in that aspect of life. its good. its better then good its amazing. I am the luckiest woman in the world to have josh & lizzy.. I am so lucky..

Someone once told me that missing Mara was not right.

That I should treat it like a dead person & not dwell on it,

that just like a miscarriage she is gone & to let go.

Those words still sting even though that person is not in my life.

Whenever I feel myself start to miss her, those words ring in my ears.

They sting & I start to actually question what i actually miss.

That sweet girl grew with me for 9 short months.

She won my heart in those 9 short months.

My heart melts when I see her famous Princess Smile, how she is growing & learning, her love for her sister & mom & dad.

She is VERY much alive & not to ever be forgotten.

Every single day I think of her.

There is a piece of my heart missing... her piece, the one she took & fit it so perfectly into Josh & Lizzys where they were missing a piece..

Her 3rd birthday is approaching quicker then i can even imagine!

Can it really be 3 years already!?!?!

So much has happened, so much has changed.

But my love for that sweet girl hasn't changed.

I am so blessed at the end of every day that I have an open adoption.

Thank you for taking a leap & saying yes Iggys.

I am so lucky that sweet Mara will be able to know that she is loved from soo many people.

If i knew how to save pictures on this stupid iBOOK I would post a picture of her gorgeous Princess Smile, but after two nights I still cant figure it out!

i love you sweet girl.

Reminder..

This last weekend Little Lucy, some of you know her as Emilee, got married.

I cannot believe how grown she is, & could not be happier for her.

I welcome Shaine into our family with open arms & some minor teasing, that i know he loves!

Andy was away for work this weekend in California, so i had to brave the wedding & kristofers 8th birthday alone.

Let me take you back a few years. I vowed I would never have another child in a broken home. Being a single mom is very very hard. My sweet Mara is proof that I would never add a child to a broken family, I also would never add a child to take care of alone. . .

Cristal & I took on the role of making the floral pieces for the wedding. Friday was a crazy busy day for me. i felt like a chicken with my head cut off. Looks as though my quick run to fresh & easy turned into a loss to a significant amount of money, by leaving my wallet in the cart... that was a bad start to my weekend. kristofer loved his new bike & star wars lego sets though, so it eased the blow. Saturday we woke up bright & early after a late night. Kids ready we meet at the temple for pictures, mind you its hot, andee kaes nap time, & kristofer has more energy then he knows what to do with. Trying to wrestle those kids & take pictures was wearing on me. luncheon kristofer was acting like and 8 year old. running with his cousins wanting to show off & be the one making every one laugh.. not so happy about that. Andee Kae continued to be cranky & threw up all over me... Thanks Dawn for making me look like the BUM sister with a hole in my shirt ... RUDE! Head home, clean the house, throw out every piece of trash in this house, & in the car.. still no wallet. Check fresh & easy one more time, even the gas station across the street. decide its time to just suck it up & tell andy. that went better then i expected.. managing andee kae this whole time, who btw wants to pull up on EVERYTHING & put every rock & piece of nothing into her little mouth! try getting anything accomplished while chasing her around & digging stuff out of her mouth every 2 minutes! Reception time, kids & self ready again. Wrestling andee kae & yelling at kristofer, decorating Shaines truck while still trying to enjoy myself.. EPIC FAIL! Dinner with Cristal, Rach & Dusty somewhere around 11pm last night was delish in my mouth. A few hours of sleep, started chasing that girl around bright & early at 6 am. Kristofer is a great big brother, he watches her to make sure no fingers go into farris' cage, she doesnt pull the play station down or eat any legos. I am blessed to have to great kids.

But being that its now 8 pm. Andy still is not home. Im exhausted. the laundries done but not folded. Ive still not found my wallet, obviously someone needed that money more then us.. its been a rough weekend for this girl. & Mister Mister will not be taking any more weekends away without me. Next person thats taking a weekend away is this girl.. Even if its just to a spa for the night.. ALONE!

This weekend reminded me of what its like to be an active mother with children & why i am told myself id never add to my house hold without a man thats around for good..

California Vacation

Eastonne, Andee Kae & Marley
Daddy & Andee Kae Not Enjoying The Beach
Beautiful Beach Babies
Looking Out As We Take Off Home Ward Bound
Weezer.. Awe Love
First Time At The Beach
Mission Bay

A few weeks ago Kami & Brian (Andys Parents) asked if we would come out and stay with the girls ( Eastonne & Marley, Andys Nieces) while they took a much needed vacay to Las Vegas! I cant imagine anyone turning that down. A few days later, tickets are booked & I start my California Count Down! This was much needed for Andy & I. We arrived in San Marcos on wednesday mid day. It was beautiful! Kami & Brian left shortly after we got in. We stayed in that night just relaxing from our late night before. Thursday Andy & I drove down to Carlsbad to take andee kae to the beach for her first time! She HATED IT! screaming bloody murder, feet in the air, hated it ! We will try again in a few days. Andy had some time with with his brother & sister that night while I stayed home with the girls. Friday night Andy & I went on a date night to Carlsbad. We found a nice little fish place right on the beach and ate dinner. After that we had a sweet walk on the beach. Oh how i love the ocean. Saturday Andy & I decided to take a wild adventure & take all 3 girls to mission Bay for some shopping! 3 girls under 3, i was a little scared! Turns out they were PERFECT! We ate lunch, walked around the boardwalk, did some shopping, & took some pictures in the picture booth! I just love eastonne & marley! Brian & Kami came home that night, they spent some time with Andee kae while andy & I went out to the horse races & weezer concert. My ALLL time favorite band. Dont tell Andy but Rivers has my heart. I wanted to sneak into his trailer and wait for him! I am so lucky that Andy found out they were going to be there & took me! It was a great night! Sunday Kami, Brian, Andy & I took the girls to the beach. Let me just say one more time that I love the ocean. Andee Kae still was not a fan of the water but she did manage to feel the sand & taste a handful! She is so funny. We bbq'd that night & watched UP with his parents, the girls, brother & sister. Monday i was sad that it was time to go home. We ran some errands with his mom, ate lunch together, & than went to a vineyard.. side note my new wedding destination is going to be a vineyard. GORGEOUS! I always have such a great time with Kami & Brian. Andy has such a great family that I cant wait to be a part of. It was an amazing little vacation but I am glad to be home and with my family close by again. I cant wait for Kami & Brian to move back to Arizona so we can spend more time with them and the girls .

Kristofer Plays Basketball!

Kristofer loves to play sports! This year he decided he'd try his hand at basketball. He is starting to get the hang of shooting and dibbling. He is working in his sportsmanship, as well as getting a long with his team mates. He picks up everything to quick! My little man looks forward to practice every wednesday & his weekly games! Love you little man!

love at its finest

Summer Time

After a fun day at the pool.

These two sweeties have my heart.

7 Months old and growing every day!

This months check up included 5 shots.

She weights in at 18.6 lbs.

She is like a ton of bricks but keeps my arms in shape!

Love this chunk

Andee Kae meets frosted animal cookies.

She LOVED them!

Of course she loves all food.