Alive?

My oh my. I havent posted in so long. there are so many things to update! I havent posted since thanksgiving. Andee kae turned a year old. We had a sweet little pink & green party at the park. All of our favorite people were there to celebrate with us. Christmas we spent in San Diego with Andys parents. It was a very relaxing christmas of beaches and relaxing. January Andy & i decided that it was time to have our last and final baby, so we started working on that. We moved from our tiny two bedroom, into a CASTLE! it feels like a castle but its not. We just have a lot more space then we had before and a lot more cleaning for me. February we found out we were pregnant! Yay we were so excited to have out last two littles 2 years apart. Working with Rach has been so much fun. I love being so close to my sister, shes  like my best friend, I like to call her the "know all" because she really does know all and how to do everything. She teaches me a lot and I dont think i give her enough credit for it. March came with an 8 week baby heart beat! I was happy to see that everything was healthy and good. More work work and more work. Also lots of loving out new bigger space. Except the stairs, andee is a daredevil and tests anything she can. Kristofer is doing great in school, except he talks too much... way to much that he gets a note weekly about his talking. April came with our 12 week appointment, just to find no heart beat. This was very hard on me. I feel blessed to be able to have my Mom close to call when things went wrong. Weeks went by with no miscarriage, so I went in for a D&C. I was so scared, id never been put under and i didnt want this to be the reason why i had to. Andy was with me the entire time and i couldnt ask for a better person to be with me. He took AMAZING care of me, im one lucky lady.  Lots of things with Andee Kae, she has started her terrible twos a little early. Kristofer was such a good sweet baby and still is the sweetest boy, Andee has fire in her! A little Devil in those eyes. Kristofer just graduated 2nd grade. He is so smart, too smart in some subjects that hes bored. He loves to read and do anything that has to do with legos, or bike riding. He and Andy get along great and it couldnt ask for more. Andy has gotten into RC car racing. He got 4th in his first race in Tucson, and i cant wait to see him race in his second race this weekend. Andy amazes me at all the things he knows and how he gets into so many different hobbies, and excels at them all. Andee loves her babies and to snuggle. Also occasionally slap her mom in the face :{ She has so much personality and is very stubborn. She loves going to her Mimis house every morning, she throws her sippy and cant wait to get out of her carseat when we pull into the drive way. Andy and I were planning a January 3rd wedding but have decided to buy our first house before we spend big bucks on our perfect day. Hopefully by the end of this year we will be out of this rental and into our first house! As days go by I find myself hating pregnant woman. Every post I see on facebook with a pregnant belly I want to punch them in the face. After placing Mara I was always so willing to give anyone a baby! I felt very lucky that I could carry healthy babies. This is our second miscarriage and im not looking forward to a pregnancy after this. Our Miss Mara is as beautiful as ever! We had our first Facetime talk on birth mothers day (the day BEFORE mothers day) I am constantly feeling blessed to have Josh and Lizzy in my life. Not just as maras parents but to talk to in those moments when I feel so sad and miss that sweet girl. My heart is in a tough spot right now, after losing the baby. Every  moment reminds me of what I could be having, and what others have gone thru, and Id never want anyone to feel this much heart break. All in all this year has been rough for me. But the Pitstick family is happier then we have ever been and I couldnt ask for more, well I would like to have Kris every day instead of just every other week :(

Special..

I have yet to update about my special day with the Iggys, but i will soon.

In a brief over view it was perfect. It ended without any tears, and that is due to Josh & Liz.

& i will go into those details in that post.

Today I have so much to be thankful for. I woke up to an Amazing Fiance, who by the way im planning on marrying sometime next year, yippy! My two beautiful, HEALTHY children woke up with smiles on their faces like usual, and my home was warm & cozy. I spent my afternoon with my family. I couldnt ask for better. We always have so many laughs when we are together. Cristal & Dawn missed out today. I am thankful that Andy has a job he doesnt just like but that he loves, which means he usually comes home happy, which makes me happy. I am thankful for the fact that i get paid to hang out with my sister all day & laugh way to much. Others dont think we are as funny as we do, but what do they know! I have the best most loving parents i could ask for. & some pretty cool soon to be in laws.

As i put on my engagement ring, another set of diamonds caught my eye & i couldnt resist. Josh & liz gave me a pair of diamond earrings, that are a circle of diamonds. They came with a special meaning & are very meaningful to me. I never wear them because im too afraid that i will lose one! I am so thankful for the Iggys, i am blessed to have them be a part of me, and me be a part of them.

Just had to share some quick thoughts. Now its time to put the girl to rest & go out on the hunt for great deals with Andy! Black Friday here we come!

Growing...

Kristofer is such a bright & smart little boy! To me he isn't even a little boy anymore, he's like a grown up! Kristofer loves any and all sports. He likes to skate board and wants a dirt bike. He picks up everything at school so quickly that I think he is bored.. hence why he gets into a little trouble here & there. I couldnt picture life without him. He gives me a run for my money & constantly keeps me guessing with whats next to come out of his mouth! I love you kristofer & I cant believe your already 8!
Andee Kae is QUICKLY ( too quickly) approaching the big year old. I dont like it. She has always loved all food. She was slow to take a bottle but now drinks milk like its going out of style! If she could be outside all day she would, i swear as much as i want her to be a princess, she will follow daddy & brother & be a tom boy :( She is the happiest baby. in the morning she doesnt even cry, she just hangs out until someone comes to get her outta bed. I couldnt ask for a better & sweeter little girl. She recently started spitting, & trying to stand all alone. I swear can she just be little for a little while longer ....... As i sit here writing this post she is laying on the floor watching UP, pulling her sock off with one hand, while holding her milk in the other, with her favorite pink blanket wrapped around her..

I couldnt ask for better babies to be called mine.

Hard Work..

I feel like no matter how many hard things life has brought my way, im STILL learning.

Some days im so tired of learning. I just want something to be easy.

I walked away from a marriage once, & from that day forward I swore to myself i wouldnt ever get married or have children with someone I wasnt SURE i was going to spend the rest of my days with. I swore to myself after Mara that no other child born by me, would ever have a broken family.

in no way do i claim to be perfect, because i am very far from that, but i try my best.

i believe Andy does his best.

I love Andy, every single part of him. He does so much for our family, he brings out parts of me that I didnt know existed. We have our Andee Kae because we know we are it for each other.

Things get tough sometimes, & sometimes we think it would be easier to quit & start fresh somewhere else. Reality is that we are a family. We work thru things, EVERYTHING.

No matter how tough.

& im happy with that. id work thru anything with Andy to keep our family together.

One Day...

One day you wake up after a night of fighting & sleeping it off.

You think its going to be ok as you kiss goodbye for the day.

Hours go by, you get a text asking whats going on a facebook..

You know nothing of facebook because your working.

Your curiosity gets the best of you, you look.

Your "fiance" has changed his status to "single"...

Your heart drops. You cant breath, you shake & then you realize it wasnt just a fight.

Its the end of a chapter, a chapter you thought was going to be the last one in your book of life.

Today i get to start a new chapter.

Im not happy about it, im pretty sad actually.

But as we all know, ive overcome so much & ill overcome this.

You cant force someone to want the same life you do.....

Here goes to chapter 1,004,675 in my book of life.

I cant promise butter flies & rainbows in this chapter.

But i can promise someone being real.

Some one trying to wade thru the mud & find that clear water.

On a happier note. I got a surprise phone from the sweetest (almost) 3 year old, our first ever actual phone conversation. It brighten my day & warmed my heart. More on that later on. Lets just say in that aspect of life. its good. its better then good its amazing. I am the luckiest woman in the world to have josh & lizzy.. I am so lucky..

Someone once told me that missing Mara was not right.

That I should treat it like a dead person & not dwell on it,

that just like a miscarriage she is gone & to let go.

Those words still sting even though that person is not in my life.

Whenever I feel myself start to miss her, those words ring in my ears.

They sting & I start to actually question what i actually miss.

That sweet girl grew with me for 9 short months.

She won my heart in those 9 short months.

My heart melts when I see her famous Princess Smile, how she is growing & learning, her love for her sister & mom & dad.

She is VERY much alive & not to ever be forgotten.

Every single day I think of her.

There is a piece of my heart missing... her piece, the one she took & fit it so perfectly into Josh & Lizzys where they were missing a piece..

Her 3rd birthday is approaching quicker then i can even imagine!

Can it really be 3 years already!?!?!

So much has happened, so much has changed.

But my love for that sweet girl hasn't changed.

I am so blessed at the end of every day that I have an open adoption.

Thank you for taking a leap & saying yes Iggys.

I am so lucky that sweet Mara will be able to know that she is loved from soo many people.

If i knew how to save pictures on this stupid iBOOK I would post a picture of her gorgeous Princess Smile, but after two nights I still cant figure it out!

i love you sweet girl.

Reminder..

This last weekend Little Lucy, some of you know her as Emilee, got married.

I cannot believe how grown she is, & could not be happier for her.

I welcome Shaine into our family with open arms & some minor teasing, that i know he loves!

Andy was away for work this weekend in California, so i had to brave the wedding & kristofers 8th birthday alone.

Let me take you back a few years. I vowed I would never have another child in a broken home. Being a single mom is very very hard. My sweet Mara is proof that I would never add a child to a broken family, I also would never add a child to take care of alone. . .

Cristal & I took on the role of making the floral pieces for the wedding. Friday was a crazy busy day for me. i felt like a chicken with my head cut off. Looks as though my quick run to fresh & easy turned into a loss to a significant amount of money, by leaving my wallet in the cart... that was a bad start to my weekend. kristofer loved his new bike & star wars lego sets though, so it eased the blow. Saturday we woke up bright & early after a late night. Kids ready we meet at the temple for pictures, mind you its hot, andee kaes nap time, & kristofer has more energy then he knows what to do with. Trying to wrestle those kids & take pictures was wearing on me. luncheon kristofer was acting like and 8 year old. running with his cousins wanting to show off & be the one making every one laugh.. not so happy about that. Andee Kae continued to be cranky & threw up all over me... Thanks Dawn for making me look like the BUM sister with a hole in my shirt ... RUDE! Head home, clean the house, throw out every piece of trash in this house, & in the car.. still no wallet. Check fresh & easy one more time, even the gas station across the street. decide its time to just suck it up & tell andy. that went better then i expected.. managing andee kae this whole time, who btw wants to pull up on EVERYTHING & put every rock & piece of nothing into her little mouth! try getting anything accomplished while chasing her around & digging stuff out of her mouth every 2 minutes! Reception time, kids & self ready again. Wrestling andee kae & yelling at kristofer, decorating Shaines truck while still trying to enjoy myself.. EPIC FAIL! Dinner with Cristal, Rach & Dusty somewhere around 11pm last night was delish in my mouth. A few hours of sleep, started chasing that girl around bright & early at 6 am. Kristofer is a great big brother, he watches her to make sure no fingers go into farris' cage, she doesnt pull the play station down or eat any legos. I am blessed to have to great kids.

But being that its now 8 pm. Andy still is not home. Im exhausted. the laundries done but not folded. Ive still not found my wallet, obviously someone needed that money more then us.. its been a rough weekend for this girl. & Mister Mister will not be taking any more weekends away without me. Next person thats taking a weekend away is this girl.. Even if its just to a spa for the night.. ALONE!

This weekend reminded me of what its like to be an active mother with children & why i am told myself id never add to my house hold without a man thats around for good..

California Vacation

Eastonne, Andee Kae & Marley
Daddy & Andee Kae Not Enjoying The Beach
Beautiful Beach Babies
Looking Out As We Take Off Home Ward Bound
Weezer.. Awe Love
First Time At The Beach
Mission Bay

A few weeks ago Kami & Brian (Andys Parents) asked if we would come out and stay with the girls ( Eastonne & Marley, Andys Nieces) while they took a much needed vacay to Las Vegas! I cant imagine anyone turning that down. A few days later, tickets are booked & I start my California Count Down! This was much needed for Andy & I. We arrived in San Marcos on wednesday mid day. It was beautiful! Kami & Brian left shortly after we got in. We stayed in that night just relaxing from our late night before. Thursday Andy & I drove down to Carlsbad to take andee kae to the beach for her first time! She HATED IT! screaming bloody murder, feet in the air, hated it ! We will try again in a few days. Andy had some time with with his brother & sister that night while I stayed home with the girls. Friday night Andy & I went on a date night to Carlsbad. We found a nice little fish place right on the beach and ate dinner. After that we had a sweet walk on the beach. Oh how i love the ocean. Saturday Andy & I decided to take a wild adventure & take all 3 girls to mission Bay for some shopping! 3 girls under 3, i was a little scared! Turns out they were PERFECT! We ate lunch, walked around the boardwalk, did some shopping, & took some pictures in the picture booth! I just love eastonne & marley! Brian & Kami came home that night, they spent some time with Andee kae while andy & I went out to the horse races & weezer concert. My ALLL time favorite band. Dont tell Andy but Rivers has my heart. I wanted to sneak into his trailer and wait for him! I am so lucky that Andy found out they were going to be there & took me! It was a great night! Sunday Kami, Brian, Andy & I took the girls to the beach. Let me just say one more time that I love the ocean. Andee Kae still was not a fan of the water but she did manage to feel the sand & taste a handful! She is so funny. We bbq'd that night & watched UP with his parents, the girls, brother & sister. Monday i was sad that it was time to go home. We ran some errands with his mom, ate lunch together, & than went to a vineyard.. side note my new wedding destination is going to be a vineyard. GORGEOUS! I always have such a great time with Kami & Brian. Andy has such a great family that I cant wait to be a part of. It was an amazing little vacation but I am glad to be home and with my family close by again. I cant wait for Kami & Brian to move back to Arizona so we can spend more time with them and the girls .

Kristofer Plays Basketball!

Kristofer loves to play sports! This year he decided he'd try his hand at basketball. He is starting to get the hang of shooting and dibbling. He is working in his sportsmanship, as well as getting a long with his team mates. He picks up everything to quick! My little man looks forward to practice every wednesday & his weekly games! Love you little man!

love at its finest

Summer Time

After a fun day at the pool.

These two sweeties have my heart.

7 Months old and growing every day!

This months check up included 5 shots.

She weights in at 18.6 lbs.

She is like a ton of bricks but keeps my arms in shape!

Love this chunk

Andee Kae meets frosted animal cookies.

She LOVED them!

Of course she loves all food.

There is so much I am feeling right now.

So many things have been going through my head & my heart.

I do not know how to put into words how I feel.

But I will leave it at this....

Not one day goes by that I don't think of you sweet Mara.

My heart is happy knowing your happy.

I love seeing pictures of you having a morning dance fest with Ella.

I love you sweet girl.

xoxoxox

Katt

8. A Moment

The Moment I realized I was going to be ok.

After placing Mara, I thought that my heart was going to forever be part broken.
That even though I knew this was right, & had no regrets, a piece of my heart was not with me,
Which left me, broken.
One day, not too long ago, I woke up & felt ok.
Everything was ok. Everything was alright.
I was not broken anymore.

I miss her every single day.
Every single day I think about her.
Every single day I hope for the next day I see her to be soon.
I love her with my whole heart,
seeing her happy reminds me that, she is ok & im ok.
This is the life we both needed.

7. My Best Friend

This one is tough.
I mean really I dont have anyone I consider my "Best Friend"



I guess Im going with my sisters,
I know I can call anyone of them at any time & they are there for me.
Always.

Is there a worm in that box?

Lets step back a few weeks. Emilee & I were out shopping as a friendly reminder to Andy that I would love to be his wife, i picked up a few adds from the jewelry stores, by a few i mean every store in the mall... Later that night Andy and i went somewhere, i cleverly left the adds in the car on the seat for the next time he got in. He asked if id like him to put those in the recycle can for me... Hint taken.

Yesterday at the mall again, with Emilee of course, i pick up the same adds. Come strolling in, get andee kae situated and sit at the table circling all the rings i love. Doesnt even faze the man!

This morning started out hectic, woke up late, worked all day. Andy asked if i wanted to do something tonight.. Random i think. I even make a point to tell my sister that andys being extra nice today. We decide to go to Rach & Dustys for bbq, no need for me to make dinner. Em, Shaine, Paulie, Dusty, Rach, & Andee kae. Sitting in the back yard talking about I dont even remember what! Andy is holding the little honey, she of course is being banshee because its after 7, bed time. I tell Andy im ready to go home.

Andy reaches for his pocket, with this smirk on his face. The im up to something smirk. I ask who hes texting, because my first thought is hes texting some one about something that who knows what with him. ( thats always how the RC cars talk gets started) . He pulls this box out of his pocket, drops to one knee, my hands at this point are over my lips, i feel like i cant breath, and he asks me to be his wife. I just kept asking is this a trick!!!!!! I expected there to be a worm in the box because Andy would do that just to make me laugh, although I would not laugh.

I didnt know I could ever feel so happy as I am right now. My mouth wants to smile & I cant believe this is real. Tomorrow I will wake up still wondering if this is a trick. If he is going to take it back! We have talked wedding and are thinking next year, earlier on in the year. For sure want a destination wedding, nothing to crazy, just relaxing day with the love of my life, our children, & the people we love!

Thank you Andy for making me the happiest i have ever been. I cant wait to be your wife.

but lets please think about the hyphen for Pitstick' Gillespie.. xoxo

So Many Unknowns

As the time for Vegas gets closer i am getting more nervous.
I am so excited for my friends Sarah and Bub to get married!
they are the CUTEST couple! 3 handsome boys and oh so adorable together.
its my visit with mara that has me anxious.
I know with josh and liz everything will be great,
i love them to death. We have this bond that very few understand.
Its comfortable. They ease my anxiety.
Im most worried about Mara,
Every time i see her its something new.
I wonder what, if anything at all Josh and Lizzy have told her about me.
I wonder in her little 2 year old mind does she know she grew in Katts belly?
Has she seen pictures of me and kind of understands that she is part of me?
Every time from this time on, she will be older, able to understand a little bit more..
and im nervous about it.
What if she doesnt like me. What if she doesnt want to know me.
This was all easier when she was little,
id rather just be Katt family friend who loves that girl more than words can explain.
Regardless of what she knows or doesnt know. im excited to see her gorgeous face,
meet her little sister, and hug josh and lizzy.
Emotionally im drained. my heart is heavy,
heres to a night of wondering just what miss mara knows.
Two weeks of anxiety but anxious to see them.
and knowing all my fears will be calmed once i see her and her perfect family!

14 days and counting... EEEEK!

6. Your Day

Today has been very uneventful.
Just the way I like it.
I woke up, took a shower, put some laundry in, went to walgreens & petsmart, did some dishes, changed the laundry, & then it happened, the worst part of my day so far.
I held off on nursing Andee Kae this morning, because in 3 short weeks I will be in Vegas, & sadly she will be here with Dawn & my mom. At the current time a bottle is not something she considers. She makes this horrible sad face, one that screams out " your breaking my heart! why would you try & do this to me" Its time to stop the nursing. We had our first battle at 9:30. It lasted for 20 minutes, there were arms & legs flying everywhere, screaming & tears, & two broken hearts. At the end Andee finally gave in.
I put some more laundry in, ran to the grocery to get some lunch, now im sitting at Rachaels with dye & bleach in my hair, Rachael tried to battle Andee but Rachael lost. The bottle is still full & Andee is sleeping... in a few moments im going to wash this dye out & lay by the pool until I have to head over to my parents for Bens birthday/ Cristals graduation party!

5. My Defination of Love

Love. L.O.V.E. Love.
To me love is a warm cookie with soft vanilla ice cream on top.
Love is a nice cold dr.pepper first thing in the morning.


Ok Seriously L.O.V.E is many things.
To me love is showing passion in something.
Showing compassion to others.
Putting someone elses happiness before yours.

To me love is making dinner for my family.
making sure they wake up and have everything they need.
making sure they have full bellies before bed.

4. What I Ate Today..

This morning I started out with my healthy breakfast of Dr. Pepper.
I follwed that with a few pieces of Almond Roca.
Breakfast of Champions, I know.
Rachael finally decided it was time for lunch.
She kindly brought me some BBQ chips,
how sweet she is to not even give me a choice of the kind i ACTUALLY wanted.
I followed my chips with a turkey, provolone, & canadian bacon sandwhich.
Of which I actually ate the canadian bacon & provolone.
Finished my night off with spaghetti & garlic cheese bread.
Yum!

Taking A Time Out..

Mothers Day...
This year as Mothers Day got closer I started to think of all the mothers i have to be thankful for this year.

First there is my very own Mother.
I wouldnt replace her for the world. There are so many things that make her the best.
She will give any thing she has to ker kids, and if she doesnt have what you need she will find a way to get it to you. She will stop what ever she is doing to help you, or just to listen, if thats what you need. My mom has been my rock in times when she didnt even know. In my darkest days she never left me, she never stopped loving me, most of all she was ALWAYS right there waiting for me when I hit rock bottom. I love that we can laugh together, and joke around. I love spending my days with her. She has become one of my best friends. I love you Mom!

Second there is Kami, Andys Mother.
I have to say thank you to her for raising such a great man. We often talk about how she was very hard on him as a kid, and he deserved it. He from what I hear was not an Angel child. He told me just two nights ago that he was lucky to have her there to raise him. Now that we are grown and we can be more like friends, I really enjoy Kami. I think we will grow to be great friends. Its funny because we are now raising children very close in age together.

Third there is Lizzy, Maras Mother.
She has this very special place in my heart. She took on the responsibility of a child I could not. She stepped up to the plate and promised to love and kiss her enough for two mothers. I love how she is with her. I love to see them together, it makes my heart warm. Mara couldnt be blessed with a better mom than Lizzy. Lizzy is everything and more, and I look up to her for that. I love you Lizzy, thank you for kissing our girl for me, and giving her all my love from far away.

I am so blessed to have my own kristofer and andee. At times i lose patience with the joys of raising a 7 year old boy, and its been a real change in life with a new born. I no longer look put together every day, but more like I just barely had enough time to shower. I wouldnt change them for the world.

Heres to having a great mothers day. Hoping I will get to spend it with both my little loves.