Such Is Life

Special..

2011-11-24T17:55:00.001-08:00

I have yet to update about my special day with the Iggys, but i will soon.

In a brief over view it was perfect. It ended without any tears, and that is due to Josh & Liz.

& i will go into those details in that post.

Today I have so much to be thankful for. I woke up to an Amazing Fiance, who by the way im planning on marrying sometime next year, yippy! My two beautiful, HEALTHY children woke up with smiles on their faces like usual, and my home was warm & cozy. I spent my afternoon with my family. I couldnt ask for better. We always have so many laughs when we are together. Cristal & Dawn missed out today. I am thankful that Andy has a job he doesnt just like but that he loves, which means he usually comes home happy, which makes me happy. I am thankful for the fact that i get paid to hang out with my sister all day & laugh way to much. Others dont think we are as funny as we do, but what do they know! I have the best most loving parents i could ask for. & some pretty cool soon to be in laws.

As i put on my engagement ring, another set of diamonds caught my eye & i couldnt resist. Josh & liz gave me a pair of diamond earrings, that are a circle of diamonds. They came with a special meaning & are very meaningful to me. I never wear them because im too afraid that i will lose one! I am so thankful for the Iggys, i am blessed to have them be a part of me, and me be a part of them.

Just had to share some quick thoughts. Now its time to put the girl to rest & go out on the hunt for great deals with Andy! Black Friday here we come!

Growing...

2011-11-04T18:54:00.001-07:00

Kristofer is such a bright & smart little boy! To me he isn't even a little boy anymore, he's like a grown up! Kristofer loves any and all sports. He likes to skate board and wants a dirt bike. He picks up everything at school so quickly that I think he is bored.. hence why he gets into a little trouble here & there. I couldnt picture life without him. He gives me a run for my money & constantly keeps me guessing with whats next to come out of his mouth! I love you kristofer & I cant believe your already 8!
Andee Kae is QUICKLY ( too quickly) approaching the big year old. I dont like it. She has always loved all food. She was slow to take a bottle but now drinks milk like its going out of style! If she could be outside all day she would, i swear as much as i want her to be a princess, she will follow daddy & brother & be a tom boy :( She is the happiest baby. in the morning she doesnt even cry, she just hangs out until someone comes to get her outta bed. I couldnt ask for a better & sweeter little girl. She recently started spitting, & trying to stand all alone. I swear can she just be little for a little while longer ....... As i sit here writing this post she is laying on the floor watching UP, pulling her sock off with one hand, while holding her milk in the other, with her favorite pink blanket wrapped around her..

I couldnt ask for better babies to be called mine.

Hard Work..

2011-10-19T19:18:00.000-07:00

I feel like no matter how many hard things life has brought my way, im STILL learning.

Some days im so tired of learning. I just want something to be easy.

I walked away from a marriage once, & from that day forward I swore to myself i wouldnt ever get married or have children with someone I wasnt SURE i was going to spend the rest of my days with. I swore to myself after Mara that no other child born by me, would ever have a broken family.

in no way do i claim to be perfect, because i am very far from that, but i try my best.

i believe Andy does his best.

I love Andy, every single part of him. He does so much for our family, he brings out parts of me that I didnt know existed. We have our Andee Kae because we know we are it for each other.

Things get tough sometimes, & sometimes we think it would be easier to quit & start fresh somewhere else. Reality is that we are a family. We work thru things, EVERYTHING.

No matter how tough.

& im happy with that. id work thru anything with Andy to keep our family together.

One Day...

2011-10-14T21:15:00.001-07:00

One day you wake up after a night of fighting & sleeping it off.

You think its going to be ok as you kiss goodbye for the day.

Hours go by, you get a text asking whats going on a facebook..

You know nothing of facebook because your working.

Your curiosity gets the best of you, you look.

Your "fiance" has changed his status to "single"...

Your heart drops. You cant breath, you shake & then you realize it wasnt just a fight.

Its the end of a chapter, a chapter you thought was going to be the last one in your book of life.

Today i get to start a new chapter.

Im not happy about it, im pretty sad actually.

But as we all know, ive overcome so much & ill overcome this.

You cant force someone to want the same life you do.....

Here goes to chapter 1,004,675 in my book of life.

I cant promise butter flies & rainbows in this chapter.

But i can promise someone being real.

Some one trying to wade thru the mud & find that clear water.

On a happier note. I got a surprise phone from the sweetest (almost) 3 year old, our first ever actual phone conversation. It brighten my day & warmed my heart. More on that later on. Lets just say in that aspect of life. its good. its better then good its amazing. I am the luckiest woman in the world to have josh & lizzy.. I am so lucky..

2011-09-24T22:03:00.000-07:00

Someone once told me that missing Mara was not right.

That I should treat it like a dead person & not dwell on it,

that just like a miscarriage she is gone & to let go.

Those words still sting even though that person is not in my life.

Whenever I feel myself start to miss her, those words ring in my ears.

They sting & I start to actually question what i actually miss.

That sweet girl grew with me for 9 short months.

She won my heart in those 9 short months.

My heart melts when I see her famous Princess Smile, how she is growing & learning, her love for her sister & mom & dad.

She is VERY much alive & not to ever be forgotten.

Every single day I think of her.

There is a piece of my heart missing... her piece, the one she took & fit it so perfectly into Josh & Lizzys where they were missing a piece..

Her 3rd birthday is approaching quicker then i can even imagine!

Can it really be 3 years already!?!?!

So much has happened, so much has changed.

But my love for that sweet girl hasn't changed.

I am so blessed at the end of every day that I have an open adoption.

Thank you for taking a leap & saying yes Iggys.

I am so lucky that sweet Mara will be able to know that she is loved from soo many people.

If i knew how to save pictures on this stupid iBOOK I would post a picture of her gorgeous Princess Smile, but after two nights I still cant figure it out!

i love you sweet girl.

Reminder..

2011-09-18T19:29:00.000-07:00

This last weekend Little Lucy, some of you know her as Emilee, got married.

I cannot believe how grown she is, & could not be happier for her.

I welcome Shaine into our family with open arms & some minor teasing, that i know he loves!

Andy was away for work this weekend in California, so i had to brave the wedding & kristofers 8th birthday alone.

Let me take you back a few years. I vowed I would never have another child in a broken home. Being a single mom is very very hard. My sweet Mara is proof that I would never add a child to a broken family, I also would never add a child to take care of alone. . .

Cristal & I took on the role of making the floral pieces for the wedding. Friday was a crazy busy day for me. i felt like a chicken with my head cut off. Looks as though my quick run to fresh & easy turned into a loss to a significant amount of money, by leaving my wallet in the cart... that was a bad start to my weekend. kristofer loved his new bike & star wars lego sets though, so it eased the blow. Saturday we woke up bright & early after a late night. Kids ready we meet at the temple for pictures, mind you its hot, andee kaes nap time, & kristofer has more energy then he knows what to do with. Trying to wrestle those kids & take pictures was wearing on me. luncheon kristofer was acting like and 8 year old. running with his cousins wanting to show off & be the one making every one laugh.. not so happy about that. Andee Kae continued to be cranky & threw up all over me... Thanks Dawn for making me look like the BUM sister with a hole in my shirt ... RUDE! Head home, clean the house, throw out every piece of trash in this house, & in the car.. still no wallet. Check fresh & easy one more time, even the gas station across the street. decide its time to just suck it up & tell andy. that went better then i expected.. managing andee kae this whole time, who btw wants to pull up on EVERYTHING & put every rock & piece of nothing into her little mouth! try getting anything accomplished while chasing her around & digging stuff out of her mouth every 2 minutes! Reception time, kids & self ready again. Wrestling andee kae & yelling at kristofer, decorating Shaines truck while still trying to enjoy myself.. EPIC FAIL! Dinner with Cristal, Rach & Dusty somewhere around 11pm last night was delish in my mouth. A few hours of sleep, started chasing that girl around bright & early at 6 am. Kristofer is a great big brother, he watches her to make sure no fingers go into farris' cage, she doesnt pull the play station down or eat any legos. I am blessed to have to great kids.

But being that its now 8 pm. Andy still is not home. Im exhausted. the laundries done but not folded. Ive still not found my wallet, obviously someone needed that money more then us.. its been a rough weekend for this girl. & Mister Mister will not be taking any more weekends away without me. Next person thats taking a weekend away is this girl.. Even if its just to a spa for the night.. ALONE!

This weekend reminded me of what its like to be an active mother with children & why i am told myself id never add to my house hold without a man thats around for good..

California Vacation

2011-08-09T20:15:00.000-07:00

Eastonne, Andee Kae & Marley
Daddy & Andee Kae Not Enjoying The Beach
Beautiful Beach Babies
Looking Out As We Take Off Home Ward Bound
Weezer.. Awe Love
First Time At The Beach
Mission Bay

A few weeks ago Kami & Brian (Andys Parents) asked if we would come out and stay with the girls ( Eastonne & Marley, Andys Nieces) while they took a much needed vacay to Las Vegas! I cant imagine anyone turning that down. A few days later, tickets are booked & I start my California Count Down! This was much needed for Andy & I. We arrived in San Marcos on wednesday mid day. It was beautiful! Kami & Brian left shortly after we got in. We stayed in that night just relaxing from our late night before. Thursday Andy & I drove down to Carlsbad to take andee kae to the beach for her first time! She HATED IT! screaming bloody murder, feet in the air, hated it ! We will try again in a few days. Andy had some time with with his brother & sister that night while I stayed home with the girls. Friday night Andy & I went on a date night to Carlsbad. We found a nice little fish place right on the beach and ate dinner. After that we had a sweet walk on the beach. Oh how i love the ocean. Saturday Andy & I decided to take a wild adventure & take all 3 girls to mission Bay for some shopping! 3 girls under 3, i was a little scared! Turns out they were PERFECT! We ate lunch, walked around the boardwalk, did some shopping, & took some pictures in the picture booth! I just love eastonne & marley! Brian & Kami came home that night, they spent some time with Andee kae while andy & I went out to the horse races & weezer concert. My ALLL time favorite band. Dont tell Andy but Rivers has my heart. I wanted to sneak into his trailer and wait for him! I am so lucky that Andy found out they were going to be there & took me! It was a great night! Sunday Kami, Brian, Andy & I took the girls to the beach. Let me just say one more time that I love the ocean. Andee Kae still was not a fan of the water but she did manage to feel the sand & taste a handful! She is so funny. We bbq'd that night & watched UP with his parents, the girls, brother & sister. Monday i was sad that it was time to go home. We ran some errands with his mom, ate lunch together, & than went to a vineyard.. side note my new wedding destination is going to be a vineyard. GORGEOUS! I always have such a great time with Kami & Brian. Andy has such a great family that I cant wait to be a part of. It was an amazing little vacation but I am glad to be home and with my family close by again. I cant wait for Kami & Brian to move back to Arizona so we can spend more time with them and the girls .

Kristofer Plays Basketball!

2011-07-20T20:35:00.000-07:00

Kristofer loves to play sports! This year he decided he'd try his hand at basketball. He is starting to get the hang of shooting and dibbling. He is working in his sportsmanship, as well as getting a long with his team mates. He picks up everything to quick! My little man looks forward to practice every wednesday & his weekly games! Love you little man!

love at its finest

2011-07-16T22:17:00.000-07:00

Summer Time

2011-07-14T22:38:00.000-07:00

After a fun day at the pool.

These two sweeties have my heart.

7 Months old and growing every day!

This months check up included 5 shots.

She weights in at 18.6 lbs.

She is like a ton of bricks but keeps my arms in shape!

Love this chunk

Andee Kae meets frosted animal cookies.

She LOVED them!

Of course she loves all food.

2011-06-29T21:30:00.000-07:00

There is so much I am feeling right now.

So many things have been going through my head & my heart.

I do not know how to put into words how I feel.

But I will leave it at this....

Not one day goes by that I don't think of you sweet Mara.

My heart is happy knowing your happy.

I love seeing pictures of you having a morning dance fest with Ella.

I love you sweet girl.

xoxoxox

Katt

8. A Moment

2011-06-09T20:05:00.000-07:00

The Moment I realized I was going to be ok.

After placing Mara, I thought that my heart was going to forever be part broken.
That even though I knew this was right, & had no regrets, a piece of my heart was not with me,
Which left me, broken.
One day, not too long ago, I woke up & felt ok.
Everything was ok. Everything was alright.
I was not broken anymore.

I miss her every single day.
Every single day I think about her.
Every single day I hope for the next day I see her to be soon.
I love her with my whole heart,
seeing her happy reminds me that, she is ok & im ok.
This is the life we both needed.

7. My Best Friend

2011-06-09T19:57:00.000-07:00

This one is tough.
I mean really I dont have anyone I consider my "Best Friend"

I guess Im going with my sisters,
I know I can call anyone of them at any time & they are there for me.
Always.

Is there a worm in that box?

2011-05-31T21:58:00.000-07:00

Lets step back a few weeks. Emilee & I were out shopping as a friendly reminder to Andy that I would love to be his wife, i picked up a few adds from the jewelry stores, by a few i mean every store in the mall... Later that night Andy and i went somewhere, i cleverly left the adds in the car on the seat for the next time he got in. He asked if id like him to put those in the recycle can for me... Hint taken.

Yesterday at the mall again, with Emilee of course, i pick up the same adds. Come strolling in, get andee kae situated and sit at the table circling all the rings i love. Doesnt even faze the man!

This morning started out hectic, woke up late, worked all day. Andy asked if i wanted to do something tonight.. Random i think. I even make a point to tell my sister that andys being extra nice today. We decide to go to Rach & Dustys for bbq, no need for me to make dinner. Em, Shaine, Paulie, Dusty, Rach, & Andee kae. Sitting in the back yard talking about I dont even remember what! Andy is holding the little honey, she of course is being banshee because its after 7, bed time. I tell Andy im ready to go home.

Andy reaches for his pocket, with this smirk on his face. The im up to something smirk. I ask who hes texting, because my first thought is hes texting some one about something that who knows what with him. ( thats always how the RC cars talk gets started) . He pulls this box out of his pocket, drops to one knee, my hands at this point are over my lips, i feel like i cant breath, and he asks me to be his wife. I just kept asking is this a trick!!!!!! I expected there to be a worm in the box because Andy would do that just to make me laugh, although I would not laugh.

I didnt know I could ever feel so happy as I am right now. My mouth wants to smile & I cant believe this is real. Tomorrow I will wake up still wondering if this is a trick. If he is going to take it back! We have talked wedding and are thinking next year, earlier on in the year. For sure want a destination wedding, nothing to crazy, just relaxing day with the love of my life, our children, & the people we love!

Thank you Andy for making me the happiest i have ever been. I cant wait to be your wife.

but lets please think about the hyphen for Pitstick' Gillespie.. xoxo

So Many Unknowns

2011-05-22T23:10:00.000-07:00

As the time for Vegas gets closer i am getting more nervous.
I am so excited for my friends Sarah and Bub to get married!
they are the CUTEST couple! 3 handsome boys and oh so adorable together.
its my visit with mara that has me anxious.
I know with josh and liz everything will be great,
i love them to death. We have this bond that very few understand.
Its comfortable. They ease my anxiety.
Im most worried about Mara,
Every time i see her its something new.
I wonder what, if anything at all Josh and Lizzy have told her about me.
I wonder in her little 2 year old mind does she know she grew in Katts belly?
Has she seen pictures of me and kind of understands that she is part of me?
Every time from this time on, she will be older, able to understand a little bit more..
and im nervous about it.
What if she doesnt like me. What if she doesnt want to know me.
This was all easier when she was little,
id rather just be Katt family friend who loves that girl more than words can explain.
Regardless of what she knows or doesnt know. im excited to see her gorgeous face,
meet her little sister, and hug josh and lizzy.
Emotionally im drained. my heart is heavy,
heres to a night of wondering just what miss mara knows.
Two weeks of anxiety but anxious to see them.
and knowing all my fears will be calmed once i see her and her perfect family!

14 days and counting... EEEEK!

6. Your Day

2011-05-15T13:52:00.000-07:00

Today has been very uneventful.
Just the way I like it.
I woke up, took a shower, put some laundry in, went to walgreens & petsmart, did some dishes, changed the laundry, & then it happened, the worst part of my day so far.
I held off on nursing Andee Kae this morning, because in 3 short weeks I will be in Vegas, & sadly she will be here with Dawn & my mom. At the current time a bottle is not something she considers. She makes this horrible sad face, one that screams out " your breaking my heart! why would you try & do this to me" Its time to stop the nursing. We had our first battle at 9:30. It lasted for 20 minutes, there were arms & legs flying everywhere, screaming & tears, & two broken hearts. At the end Andee finally gave in.
I put some more laundry in, ran to the grocery to get some lunch, now im sitting at Rachaels with dye & bleach in my hair, Rachael tried to battle Andee but Rachael lost. The bottle is still full & Andee is sleeping... in a few moments im going to wash this dye out & lay by the pool until I have to head over to my parents for Bens birthday/ Cristals graduation party!

5. My Defination of Love

2011-05-09T19:51:00.000-07:00

Love. L.O.V.E. Love.
To me love is a warm cookie with soft vanilla ice cream on top.
Love is a nice cold dr.pepper first thing in the morning.

Ok Seriously L.O.V.E is many things.
To me love is showing passion in something.
Showing compassion to others.
Putting someone elses happiness before yours.

To me love is making dinner for my family.
making sure they wake up and have everything they need.
making sure they have full bellies before bed.

4. What I Ate Today..

2011-05-09T19:42:00.000-07:00

This morning I started out with my healthy breakfast of Dr. Pepper.
I follwed that with a few pieces of Almond Roca.
Breakfast of Champions, I know.
Rachael finally decided it was time for lunch.
She kindly brought me some BBQ chips,
how sweet she is to not even give me a choice of the kind i ACTUALLY wanted.
I followed my chips with a turkey, provolone, & canadian bacon sandwhich.
Of which I actually ate the canadian bacon & provolone.
Finished my night off with spaghetti & garlic cheese bread.
Yum!

Taking A Time Out..

2011-05-07T19:15:00.000-07:00

Mothers Day...
This year as Mothers Day got closer I started to think of all the mothers i have to be thankful for this year.

First there is my very own Mother.
I wouldnt replace her for the world. There are so many things that make her the best.
She will give any thing she has to ker kids, and if she doesnt have what you need she will find a way to get it to you. She will stop what ever she is doing to help you, or just to listen, if thats what you need. My mom has been my rock in times when she didnt even know. In my darkest days she never left me, she never stopped loving me, most of all she was ALWAYS right there waiting for me when I hit rock bottom. I love that we can laugh together, and joke around. I love spending my days with her. She has become one of my best friends. I love you Mom!

Second there is Kami, Andys Mother.
I have to say thank you to her for raising such a great man. We often talk about how she was very hard on him as a kid, and he deserved it. He from what I hear was not an Angel child. He told me just two nights ago that he was lucky to have her there to raise him. Now that we are grown and we can be more like friends, I really enjoy Kami. I think we will grow to be great friends. Its funny because we are now raising children very close in age together.

Third there is Lizzy, Maras Mother.
She has this very special place in my heart. She took on the responsibility of a child I could not. She stepped up to the plate and promised to love and kiss her enough for two mothers. I love how she is with her. I love to see them together, it makes my heart warm. Mara couldnt be blessed with a better mom than Lizzy. Lizzy is everything and more, and I look up to her for that. I love you Lizzy, thank you for kissing our girl for me, and giving her all my love from far away.

I am so blessed to have my own kristofer and andee. At times i lose patience with the joys of raising a 7 year old boy, and its been a real change in life with a new born. I no longer look put together every day, but more like I just barely had enough time to shower. I wouldnt change them for the world.

Heres to having a great mothers day. Hoping I will get to spend it with both my little loves.

.3. My Parents

2011-05-06T18:21:00.000-07:00

My Parents.

Thats a tough one. I mean what can you say about the most amazing parents in the world, lets just start out with my mom.

I started out as an Angel child, i mean what mother isnt excited for a daughter who runs through the house shrieking, and throwing horrible fits. I so look forward to those days. One thing that always stands out when i think of my mom, is that she is VERY creative when it comes to punishing. Picture squirt bottle of water to the face when child screams for no reason, tying door knobs together when same child tries to get out of her room when in time out, and the best one yet, for the same child mind you, carrying around a back pack full of rocks on the front of her, because mom was pregnant and was tired of walking through the neighborhood looking for the child. That child will NEVER forget that lesson. My mom is amazing. I feel sad when i think of all the hard times ive put her through. She has forgiven me for all those things but ill never forget how i made her sad. My mom is full of spunk and energy. She will instantly love you if you bring her a real pepsi.

My Dad.

There is so much to him! He can fix anything! I know my dad for his sweet 3-wheeler skills. He may of broken his collar bone once, but i want to believe it was because he was doing a sweet jump and someone just happened to cross his path at the wrong time. He is super smart at fixing cars and computers. You can call him with just about any problem and he will give you an answer, he reminds me of my Grandpa in that same way. He is just like my mom, always willing to serve anyone he can, ready to take action at any task! When I was chosing Maras parents a top priority on my list was for the dad to be a dad just like mine, he couldnt fall short of him in any way. One of my most favorite things abut my dad is his ability to make up a great story, once he told one about a princess who'd lost her way.. thats one ill never forget. i love my dad.

My parents have been a great example of the marriage I want to have. The kind of example I want to set for my own babies. I love you Mom & Dad

My First Love..

2011-05-01T17:46:00.000-07:00

My first love was blue with a flowered banana seat.. She took me every where i ever dreamed of going.

Just kidding. My first love was Shane. He lived across the street and for me it was love.
Or so I thought.
We used to talk every day after i got off the school bus.
He was older than me & I thought he was handsome.
My love was not returned.
I think I was in the 9th grade when he started dating my best friend,
& i was heartbroken.
later on in life i learned that was not love.
It was 6th grade love.

Introduce Yourself with Pictures & Words

2011-04-30T15:10:00.000-07:00

These pictures are who I am.

Not in any certian order.

Josh & Lizzy.

The Parents to Our Mara.

I dont know who I would be without Our Girl.

She forever changed me, & who I am forever.My

My Andy.
We met in high school, dated for a minute.
than the social network brought us back together.
He came into my life right after Mara.
He accepts me, Loves Kristofer, & loves me most importantly.
When I placed Mara our Birth Mom group was 3.
These 2 amazing woman placed babies the same time I did.
They were my support.

My babies.

Kristofer will forever be my baby, he may not like it,

but Im his mother, what do you expect.

Andee Kae is my Princess.

This sums me up in one simple picture! T-shirt, jeans, baby chucks, & the tutu, because I am a Princess. Well now I am the Queen and Andee Kae is the Princess, but thats a whole different post.

All these people make me Me.

They are the reason I am who I am.

Doing Like My Sister..

2011-04-30T14:53:00.001-07:00

Ive decided I dont nearly blog enough so im going to follow my little sister
and take the 30 day challange .

Wish me luck!
1. Introduce yourself with pictures and words.
2. Your first love
3. Your parents
4. What you ate today
5. Your defination of love
6. Your day
7. Your Best Friend
8. A moment
9. Your beliefs
10.What you wore today
11. Your siblings
12.Whats in your bag
13.Your week
14.What you wore today
15.Your dreams
16.Your first kiss
17.Your favorite memory
18.Your favorite birthday
19. Something you regret
20. This month
21. Another moment
22. Something that upsets you
23. Something that makes you feel better
24. Something that makes you cry
25. Your fears
26. A first
27. Your favorite place
28. Something you miss
29. Your aspirations
30. One last moment

2011-04-30T14:53:00.000-07:00

The Beard

2011-03-13T15:54:00.000-07:00

This is "The Beard"

Andy wanted to see how long he could grow it.

I've never hated anything as much as I hated "The Beard"

I missed my soft Andy face, under all that hair.

After much begging & almost crying,

he finally gave in.

Good Bye Beard.

I wont miss you.

For one moment I had a redneck trucker boyfriend.

Dont mind me, it was almost midnight when this shaving took place.

I was exhausted.

My handsome, smooth, Andy Face.

Oh how I missed you!

My Growing Babies!

2011-03-13T15:53:00.000-07:00

Andee Kae's Belssing

2011-02-06T20:26:00.000-08:00

Last night I was up til almost 1 am making food.
Little Honey decided to wake up a bunch last night once I did fall asleep.
7 am rolled around, Kristofer wanted breakfast.
I wanted just a little more sleep while Andee slept.
Rolled out of bed to shower at 8:30.
Baths and showers for everyone,
and we still ran late, im still adjusting to life with a baby.
We made it to the church just in time to give Andee a quick change out of her tights and onsie, because it NEVER fails. Cute outfit = messy diaper.
My dad gave her a heartfelt blessing, that made me a little teary.
I am very thankful to have a dad that can do those things for me.
It made me look back and think of all the other times ive needed him for blessings in times when ive needed strenght the most and just becauseI felt like i needed one. I love you Dad, Thank you for today.

After church a quick run by the house to pick up the food.
Than off to the park where we were joined by friends and family to celebrate.
Today was a great day.
Thank you everyone that came to celebrate with us.
I love my little family.
Its perfection.

2011-01-26T20:11:00.000-08:00

When I was 18 and a new mother I didnt cherish the little moments.

Now with my sweet Andee Kae I cant get enough of her.

My days of making sure I didnt leave the house with out make up and my hair being done are over.

I just cant justify leaving her on the floor for that extra 20 minutes that I could be holding her.

Kristofer and Andy are enjoying their new love of RC cars.

We spend many days at my parents so they can hang out and drive their cars with my brothers in their custom track lol.

Kristofer is loving first grade, they just went on their first field trip to a museum.

He had a great time! He never complains about going to school.

Life has been so good around our house.I cant think of anything that im missing.

The nights are a little lonely due to either Andy or I sleeping on the couch,but Mister Pitstick and I are more in love than ever. Andee Kae has been the best thing for our little family.

Kristofer is the best big brother and I wish he was with us always.

Time is going by way to fast.There is a little honey that is calling for her mommy.

Ill update again soon!

February, 06 2011

2011-01-16T17:33:00.000-08:00

February 06 2011

Our little Andee Kae is going to be blessed.

My dad is doing the blessing,

12 pm at their church building.

Lunch at our house after.

Hope to see everyone there.

We are so excited!

Christmas 2010

2010-12-26T13:41:00.001-08:00

In between parties it was nap time.

Andys Christmas Sweater.

Too bad here in Sunny Az it was hot!

Kristofers big Christmas present,

RC car just like the uncles, & Andy

Tools & more tools for Andy

Pots, Pans & this lovely sweater!

Our before tree.

Too bad I dont have a picture of the after presents madness!

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Our Andee Kae

2010-12-26T13:30:00.000-08:00

Is 3 weeks old.

I cant believe she is growing so fast.

She loves to cuddle & be held.

Who wouldnt when your this dang cute!

Big Brother Love

Mommy Love

Snuggling with Daddy.

She has daddys long face, & his pointy chin.

I took her to the doctor last week,

she is now weighing 7 lbs 6 ounces.

She sometimes sleeps good through the night,

but sometimes she likes to stay up late night.

Like 4 am status.

She is perfect.

She has made life around the Pitstick house happier than ever.

We love her to DEATH!

Andee Kae

2010-12-09T15:27:00.001-08:00

Friday December 3rd 2010, bright & early at 5 am we headed to the hospital. I was checked in, and ready to go. My pitocin was started at 9 am and we waited... Contractions were slow to start & I was progressing slowly. Around 1 pm my doctor came in to break my water. I tried to wait for the epidural for as long as I could. I waited until my contractions were bringing tears to my eyes before I left them put that huge needle in my back. It was soo uncomfortable, I seem to not remembering it hurting so bad when they put it in. But dang it hurt! My fingers were white from squeezing Andys hand. Poor guy.. 4 pm the doctor came back to have a little look and said she was going to come any time, so he would stick around. About 10 minutes later I felt the pressure! Called the nurse, doctor came in got all suited up and 2 contractions later, at 4:47 pm our little girl was here. I couldnt help but cry the first time I saw her, laying on my belly she was perfect. I cried for a solid 10 minutes, I couldnt ask for a more perfect girl. Andy proudly cut her cord, sometime ask him to describe it, its kinda funny. She weighted in at 6 pounds 1 ounce, tiny little thing, i didnt know babies came that small. 19 inches long. She has super long legs & her daddys feet. Long long finger toes! So cute! We had soo many visitors while we stayed in the hospital, by day two I was ready to be left alone. I didnt want to see another person! I am so lucky to have a great Mom & Dad who so willingly brought Andy some dinner, and fed our dogs. Thank you to everyone that came to see us, Andee Kae was born into an amazing family. kristofer loves his little sister to death! His only complaint, that she might cry at night! She hardly cries, unless your changing her diaper or not feeding her fast enough. I am so in love with this sweet sweet girl!

I am overwhelmed with love for Andy, he has been so patient with me, and a great help since we have been home. I couldnt ask for a better man to start this journey as a new family with.

Waiting...

2010-11-26T20:21:00.001-08:00

Thanksgiving came and went.
We are still waiting.
Even though my due date isnt until Dec. 9
my doctor said weeks ago that she could come ANY DAY!
You do not tell this to me unless you mean it!
Because every single day I hope today is THE DAY!
and then it isnt....
So now we come up on 39 weeks,
on Monday we will set a date to induce.

Christmas is upon us!
Today we got our very first Pitstick Christmas tree!
It has ribbons & bows & colored balls!
Its gorgeous!
Cant wait for Christmas this year!

35 Weeks..

2010-11-04T09:25:00.001-07:00

& I am ready! Little Andee is ready too, I'm convinced!
I am dilated to a 1 already, 50 percent effaced, but nothing yet..
Doctor says rest & make sure to keep her in for at least 2 more weeks.
Hopefully before Thanksgiving she will be here.

Its almost Miss Maras birthday!
I still cant believe she is 2!
Where has the time gone when that little girl was in my belly and I was anxiously waiting for her to come out!
Last minute touches added to her gift & it will be sent out tomorrow so hopefully it will arrive right on her birthday!

Love that girl!
She will always be my First Girl!
Love you Mara!

Baby Shower

2010-10-28T17:10:00.001-07:00

October 9th 2010, My lovely sisters hosted a baby shower for little Andee & I. It was so much fun catching up with old friends and seeing some of Andys moms friends. Kami wasnt able to make it but his sister Kenzie flew in for the day. We played some games, opened some AWESOME presents, and ate some delicious food! Paulies girlfriend Chelsea, Rach and Dawn made the food. It was so good! I didnt want to stop eating it! We got more things than we thought we would, all you ladies spoiled us, Little Andee is going to be the cutest baby ever! Thanks everyone who came. & those of you who couldnt make it we missed you!

Long Time No Blog..

2010-10-23T10:03:00.000-07:00

Haven't been up to much, just hanging out doing the grown up thing.
Working at The Depot has got me exhausted pretty much every day of the week.
Lots of walking around & dealing with cranky cashiers & customers.
At the end of the day I cant complain too much,
at least I have a decent job when many don't.

Baby Girl is coming right along. She isnt officially due until December 9th, but we are hoping she comes sometime before Thanksgiving. If anyone has any ideas on how to get her to come out around that time, send 'em my way! I have gianed a whopping 20 pounds, I feel as big as a house! Up until a couple weeks ago I was still wearing my regular shirts, but I had to up size since all my shirts are showing this cute little section above my pants below my belly button, I mean I think its adorable but some might not. Andy couldnt be more excited & thinks he is going to be playing a theme song in the delivery room upon her arrival... Good luck with that one honey!

Kristofer just completed the first quarter of 1st grade. He is above average in Math, dont ask where he got that skill from, & just right in reading & writing. That boy loves to read! He has moved from his very first chapter book to wanting to read none other than Harry Potter. I wont discourage him, but it might get a little tough for him to understand. He is such a sweet boy, always willing to do his chores & really likes helping me make dinner. I cant believe he is 7 already! We took him fishing last saturday and let me tell you , he is a natural! He caught more fish than Andy, sorry babe! Although he wouldnt touch any of them!

I came home a couple weeks ago from a long night at work to see that Andy had painted the kids room & cut down Kristofers bed, it was about 2 feet from the ceiling. He is so good to me. We have had the paint for over a month but I was just too tired to get around to it. We now have pretty much everything set up. Her crib is ready to go, and bassinet is sweetly placed right next to our bed. I couldnt be more excited for her to come!

Im going to head out to a little boutique see if there is anything this sweet girl just cant live without!

2010-09-12T15:07:00.000-07:00

Not much to post these days when work has completely consumed your days.
Kristofer turned 7 yesterday, a small party will be held this week, sometime.
I cant believe my little boy is 7!
He is so smart, so full of energy, and so very very loving.
He loves video games and building with legos.
This week we will be painting his room green, a color he picked. I will be sure to post pictures.
Little girl is growing in my belly.
We had a little trip to the ER yesterday because she decided to take a little break from being "Ninja Andee" to not moving at all for a good day & a half.
She is sounding good though, her heart monitor showed that by her movements & heart she is developed to about 32 weeks. We arent ready for her to come yet though by any means. I am 27 weeks and counting down the days until my clothes will fit again.
Kristofer is so excited to meet his little sister. He wants to be able to feed her in the mornings before he goes to school, but is not excited about sharing his room with her because she is going to cry a lot. Man he makes me laugh. We will be having her baby shower on Oct. 9th 2010 if youd like to attend please send me a text, an email or comment with an address.
Andys still loving his job, which is good, he has been working a lot though.
With myself working crazy hours every week we are home just enough to say good morning or good night and some days if were lucky, both.
Ill try to be better about posting.
i promise pictures of Kristofers 7th birthday & painting of his room!

Open Adoption

2010-07-26T19:46:00.000-07:00

Today someone asked me about "that adorable little girl on my facebook".
I explained how i have a little girl who i place for adoption.
Another of my cashiers joe, asked me about it when we werent standing in the center isle.
It really hit home today.
Talking about the connection there is with josh & lizzy.
& how much they are just like close friends.
It hit me hard to talk about how great i have it.
What a wonderful blessing this has been.
I cant type about it now but cause it makes me cry,
but Thank You Josh & Liz. Thank You, Youve made my heart ache less & been fabulous to me. I love you guys.

& i miss the girl like mad.

Lets Talk About A Perfect Day

2010-07-14T18:36:00.000-07:00

Seriously. Perfect.
Let me give a little background. A couple weeks ago Liz asked if i got the letter they sent. Nope no letter! Are you kidding me! I watch religiously for a letter, nothing. Almost two weeks. Nothing.
Another little background. A whole 14 weeks ago Andy & I found out I am pregnant! We didn't tell anymore one due to some complications, & a high chance of miscarriage.
This takes us to present day.

19 weeks along & healthy. Little Miss Andee K Pitstick is due December the 9th 2010. She weighs in at a whopping 9 ounces & has all 10 fingers & toes. Yes, we are naming her Andee, after her dad, Richard Andrew. Middle name compliments of my mother, his mother & myself. & we could not be happier!

I come home from dropping Andy off at work, Julia hands me "the letter". The beloved letter I've been waiting for! Miss Mara is growing & more beautiful than ever! She has the biggest smile & these cute little sleepy eyes! I have pictures but couldn't scan them. I will soon. She is a little Domestic Diva as Liz says. & just loves Buzz Light Year. No one will ever replace the love or place I have in my heart for this girl. I am beyond excited to finally get my baby girl, but there will always be my first baby girl. I just love you Mara Jane!

We are currently in a state of moving. Oh how I loathe that! Oh how I will be loving my own place again, with my little family. I am becoming pretty crafty & am so excited to be able to paint & make it our little place. Andy is loving his job at Dragon Fire Racing, which is always a plus. He is lucky enough that my dad lets him ride to work with him, & they get some bonding time. Its actually a nice change to have a boyfriend your dad gets along with! Home Depot life is busy. It keeps me busy & slim. On an average day I walk a much needed 10 or 11 miles. Think about how small Home Depot is, yep back and forth all day long. I really do enjoy my job & most of the people i work with. Kristofer is getting excited to start 1st grade next month. Not so excited that he is getting a sister & not a brother. I think in the end he will love her just as much.

It has been a wonderful day & I couldn't be happier to end it snuggled up next to my babe ( after we pack up the kitchen ) but none the less in my spot!

that little ache

2010-07-07T17:34:00.000-07:00

& today there's an ache.
A small piece that got lost,
but fit perfectly in somewhere else.
I want to get a tattoo symbolizing this little miss.
& i think its going to be a heart in a puzzle form,
with just one piece missing,
where her initials will be.
I've still got time to think about it.
i feel like i've done pretty good at moving on.
some days I just miss her.
& wish she were closer for visits.

Summer Time..

2010-06-30T11:31:00.000-07:00

What is there to do when your life revolves around work,
you have a restless 6 year old & 2 dogs,
& you want to get away for a little bit,
& just spend some time with your honey & little family?

Take a drive down to the river!

Oh 25..

2010-06-18T17:49:00.000-07:00

I always joke that I cant believe im turning 25!
Im half way to 50 for goodness sake!

I always had my life planned out.
Married, all the kids birthed by 27... yada yada
Yep didnt turn out exactly how I planned.
But in my last 25 years of life i have learned a lot.
I have learned who I dont want to marry.
In which I found the one I long want to marry. Mr Pitstick.
I have a handsome, smart, funny son. Mr. Kristofer.
I have an amazing family.
Whom I wouldnt of been able to get through the last 25 years without.
I love my Parents. (even dad who puts socks in my face, i love you Dad)
Without them I wouldnt even get to turn 25!
I have had MANY MANY jobs,
resulting in me knowing what I want to and dont want to have a career in.

Something I never thought could be done by me,
has made me realize that there isnt anything I cant do.
Nothing too hard for me to face.
No battle worth giving up.
Our precious Mara.

I have met many new people.
Learned from them all and kept the good ones close to my heart.
Still meeting new people,
learning new things at work.
and loving my family ive been blessed with.

Happy 25 years to me.
I may joke but I cant wait for the next 25.

The Rough Days

2010-06-14T19:51:00.000-07:00

There is always going to be rough days in life.
There will always be days where it seems like the sun doesn't shine at all.
I can feel one of those days approaching.

Kristofer has had a rough time with me working so much.
I feel like I hardly see him with the crazy hours I work.
Because of this he has been very moody & emotional.
I feel like he is suffering & I'm missing out.
But what is the solution?
I cant just stop working.

There are also days when you just wake up with "The Ache"
There isn't any way to make it stop.
You just have to let it go through your heart & hope it isn't as bad as the last time.
I miss her.
I look at her hospital pictures.
& than I cant help but hop on over to check for recent pictures.
Even if there isn't any I still take a minute to look at how much shes grown.
& than i cant help but think of how much ive missed out,
& just how beautiful she is.
There will always be those days.
At the end of those days when the sun starts to shine again,
I remember what she has, what she needed, who her Mother is,
& than there is the rainbow after the storm.

Its Amazing..

2010-06-14T18:37:00.000-07:00

Birth Moms Deserve Our Respect

Why all the conversations about adoption leave out a key player.

When I gave birth to my son two years ago, I was stunned by the depth of my feelings—not the love, I expected that. It was the sense that the life of this baby was now more important than my own. I would fight a mountain lion or step in front of a truck to protect him. I would even, if I had to, send him to my parents to live, if my husband and I could no longer provide the best care for him. That doesn’t make me special—it just means I’m a mother, same as hundreds of millions of other women. No matter whether it’s staying home, going to work, raising their kids alone or choosing to leave their children in order to provide for them, there is nothing most of us would not do to ensure our childrens’ safety. And, for some Moms, giving their children the best chance at a good life means making the most excruciating sacrifice of all: placing them up for adoption.

We hear a lot about adoption, but usually only when things go wrong or a celebrity is involved. We talk plenty about the kids themselves and the selfless families taking them in—whether they’re fictional scenarios like the adoption storyline on Glee, or all-too-real news footage from Haiti, Ethiopia, or China. But our culture still seems to show so little respect and support for the women who choose adoption in the face of an unexpected pregnancy. Rarely do we focus, in a positive way, on the birth mothers, aside from picking the most relevant stereotyped assumptions: “Pregnant teen, crack addict, prostitute, trash, etc.”

For the better part of the 20th century, adoption was seen as exploitative and cruel to birth mothers. Since single motherhood and abortion were not readily accepted options, women and girls were often forced by their families into hasty marriages or hustled into homes where their babies were taken without their informed consent. But now adoption has come out of hiding—indeed, both domestic and international adoptions have become increasingly common. One would think that women or teenage girls would be able to explore this option free of the guilt and shame. But as Amy Benfer wrote last month at Salon.com when discussing the reaction to notable on-screen pregnancies: “By the end of 2008, you could be forgiven for believing there was absolutely no way to portray a young unmarried woman who happened to be pregnant in a responsible manner: Juno was too smart, funny and likable; Katherine Heigl in ‘Knocked Up’ was too pretty and too happy; the Gloucester girls were too poor and too dumb; Jamie Lynn Spears was too rich and too dumb; Bristol Palin was too privileged and too Republican. When MTV came out with ‘16 and Pregnant’ in the summer of 2009, it was more of the same: the girls were too trashy or too popular; bad mothers for dropping out of school, or unrealistic role models for other, less privileged girls, should they continue with school.”

For Elizabeth Bartholet, professor of law and faculty director of the Child Advocacy Program at the Harvard Law School, society’s distrust of birth mothers reveals our enduring bias for biological families. “It is very deeply ingrained in our society that all kids belong where they came from, it’s unnatural to give them up. So we stigmatize surrendering the child ... but most young unmarried women who give birth are not in a good position to raise their child. What if we allowed people to think it’s also natural to give their children to somebody else to raise?” Don’t believe that we’re so biased against birth moms? Do a little thought experiment with me—imagine it’s the 2008 presidential race all over again. What do you think the response would have been if Bristol Palin had announced she was having her baby but placing it for adoption? Something tells me she wouldn’t have been hailed as a real-life Juno but as a selfish promiscuous tart who doesn’t care about her baby.

To me, it also indicates a strain of our culture that is not yet ready to accept that a mother’s love might dictate placing her child with somebody else to raise and instead dismisses her as unnatural. As Adam Pertman, executive director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute explained to me, “Our society has lifted much of the stigma of single motherhood, but still finds it difficult to support a woman who is, as they see it, abandoning her child. These women are told: ‘How can you possibly give up your child? What kind of person could do that?’ So while adoption is listed as viable option, it’s a choice that’s rarely made.” Indeed, the number of newborn babies available for adoption has remained flat for almost two decades while the number of unmarried women having children has soared.

What if we stopped pretending we lived in a world where the traditional nuclear family is the norm and accepted birth mothers into the fold of family life? We’ve certainly managed to do that in the world of reproductive medicine where we welcome offspring as biological even if the child was the product of donated sperm and egg. And we’ve somehow managed to accept a bewildering array of familial choices from multiple stepparents, two moms, or a single grandparent. But, thanks to society’s misgivings and misconceptions about adoption, birth mothers are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. By indicating that placing a child for adoption is a selfish or painless choice when it’s not, or talking about birth mothers as if they were all crack-addled prostitutes or at the very least wayward youth, we not only limit a woman’s right to choose but also shut out the possibility that there are other people out there who would love to adopt. Why not try respecting these women as mothers able to make the best decision for themselves and their pregnancies—even if that decision is not to parent?

2010-06-08T19:56:00.000-07:00

Not sure why I do this to myself.

Everything To Me from Mark Schultz on Vimeo.

Is It Always Going To Be This Way...

2010-05-27T18:19:00.000-07:00

Some days I wonder if its always going to be this way.
The way when someone asks how many kids do you have?
What do I reply? I have one son but I have birthed 2 children...
Will I ever stop considering her mine?
Is it wrong to even feel that she is mine?
Dont get me wrong I am beyond proud to call my self a birth mother.
I am proud to be a birth mother in the era where its ok, were we are praised and not looked down on.
Whenever some one asks how many children I have and I just answer one,
my heart breaks a little.
I can feel that scab being ripped open all over again.
Will it forever sting when Im asked how many children I have,
or will that ache slowly go away when I answer one?

May is always such a tough month.
I was finally on my own facing a pregnancy by myself.
Rights signed, and there was no one stopping me from making the choices I needed to make.
Memorial day is the day I found Josh & Lizzy.
The day I sat at my parents computer, and felt chills as I saw their profile.
Knowing just than that they were it.
There was no choice to be made.
I was going to entrust these two people to love my daughter.
That beautiful woman on the screen in front of me was going to be my baby girls mother.
She was the one I was going to entrust with enough kisses for two mothers.
& he, he was going to be the dad my little girl would never have with me.

At this time I hadnt set a name or anything because deep down I was trying not to get too attached.
She was just my little girl.
Maybe not forever, but until November she was Mine.

2010-05-25T20:12:00.001-07:00

"God didn't promise days without pain,
laughter without sorrow,
sun without rain,
but He did promise
strength for the day,
comfort for the tears,
and light for the way"

I sure do have a precious little boy.
Love Him.

Catching up

2010-05-19T17:35:00.000-07:00

This past weekend Kristofer, Andy & I ventured out to San Diego California.
This vacation was much needed for everyone involved.
We arrived late Friday night, a mishap at the DMV almost prevented us from going.
No need to worry, we prevailed.. (with suspended plates, driving on hopes & dreams that the police would be easy on us, in the incident we got pulled over)
I did all the driving. Let me tell you that 6 hours, with one little stop in Yuma is LONG!
Saturday we woke up...early... Andys niece's live there with his parents.
The joys of sharing a room with a 1 yr old that cries at 5 am..
Took a little trip to the beach. It was freezing!
Kristofer although found it perfect weather to boogy board.
Dont know how he pulled it off, i was wrapped in towels the entire time!
There was a US Navy HoverCraft thing on the beach.
Andy was obsessed and just HAD to watch it leave the beach.
Of course we got it on video & i have to admit it was pretty awesome to see such a huge piece of metal hovering above the ground!
Sunday we went to Lego Land. I have to admit it was pretty amazing!
Everything built out of tiny lego pieces, Seriously!
Kristofer had a blast so did Andy. We took Andys niece Eastonne, she is such a good little girl!\
Sunday night was spent just the 5 of us, Andys parents went to Disney that day, and didnt get home til much later. We ate Mongolian for dinner and watched Toy Story 2 until we fell asleep.
Monday we made the long drive home. Making it home around 10:30 pm.
It was a really fun weekend I will post pictures very very soon.
Yesterday was meant for car cleaning and laundry, but my lovely Andrew forgot the keys in his pocket & took them to work.
It was a nice morning for a walk from his home to mine ( about 2 miles) & a pretty dang good reason to catch up on sleep ALL DAY!
Back to work today. The usual catty drama of my cashiers who range from 20-30. I swear i just want them to go where i need them to without complaining! If i need you to be the garden cashier go there, dont whine and stomp your feet about how much you hate it, we all do things we hate just do it! Today the decided to short us a break cashier so i spent most my morning in different areas giving breaks. Its not that fun when you have your phone ringing with people that need your "magic numbers" the minute your off the register, running Self Check Out plus your own register ( a total of 5) with some customer telling you that he should be able to use his coupon today because its only 2 days early so can he please just have the discount on his 400.00 purchase. & of course i have to give it to him because thats what we do at the Depot, we please our customers in every way possible.
Any who. kristofers last day of kindy-garden is the 27th. I cant believe he will be in the 1st grade! He is growing too fast. Little miss Mara is also growing like a weed! I cant believe how stinkin cute that girl is! If you havent checked out her parents blog you should, shes cute. & so is her brand new little sister! yes the little girl is now a littel big sister.

Until my next post with a million pictures, have a great and fabulous day..

2010-05-08T21:13:00.000-07:00

All I wanted today was to be taken out to dinner by Andy.
Tough I know.
What I got was a "I wanna hang out with my friends on my weekend"
(disclaimer-he has been with them since noon while I worked)
No guy dated has done anything for me on mothers day.
Its a joke to try & get my son from his father,
he seems to believe that Mothers Day is for HIS mother,
not me.

My only saving grace today was beautiful flowers from the Iggys.
If it wasnt for that Id for sure have a nervous break down.
Instead its only a little break down.

All I wanted was dinner since im working all day tomorrow.
Is that too much to ask?

2010-04-27T16:12:00.000-07:00

I wish it was a perfect world and no one ever had to deal with infertility.
I wish it was a perfect world and there werent any "unplanned" pregnancies.
In my perfect world everyone would be happy and healthy and have as many babies as they could handle.

Sometimes I look at blogs of couples who are "hoping to adopt"
and my heart aches for them.
I dont know first hand what its like to go through infertility,
but i know from other people that its tough.

if it wasnt so blasted heartbreaking i would give every couple i know a baby.
but the reality is, it is heart breaking.

Its national infertility awareness week.
my heart aches for every couple that has gone through or is going through this bump in the road.

2010-04-12T12:35:00.000-07:00

Its taken me forever to post these pictures but here they are! Josh, Lizzy & Mara flew in on March 27th to spend the day with me. We met at Freestone Park, chatted and just hung out. Mara LOVED the ducks! Josh & Lizzy invited us to lunch at the Farmers Grill with some of their close friends. It was really great to meet some of their friends, they were really nice. I got to sit with Mara at lunch it was a lot of fun she is such a little character. We had a little family get together at Dawns so everyone could see the Iggys. I had a great day. Kristofer really liked being able to hang out with her. Thank you Josh & Liz for bringing the girl for a quick visit. It was a fabulous day!

Everything'll Be Alright..

2010-03-23T20:51:00.000-07:00

Lyrics to Everything'll Be Alright (Will's Lullaby) :
Way down, in New York town
Thinking about the way she loved me
There's a hole in my pocket
That's about her size
But I think everything
Is gonna be alright
Yes I hope everything
Is gonna be alright

The smiling face, straight in LA
The gifts are found at the bar
But I wish my car
Could drive to her tonight
Then I'd know everything
Is gonna be alright
Yes then I'd know
It'll be alright

The rain in New Orleans, forgot to end
But the mouths of the people are dry
And we watch and wait
And do nothing but sigh
And hope everything
Is gonna turn alright
But I don't know
If it'll be alright

But I look at you, warm in your dream
While your mobile dances above
And I think to myself
It's a beautiful night
And I know everything
Is gonna be alright
Yes now I know
It'll be alright

16 Months ago my heart was about to break.
I was the one breaking it, buckling a huge piece of it into her car seat, telling her I loved her, telling her she would always be "my girl", kissing her cheeks for the last time in awhile.

Last month Josh & Lizzy asked if they could come visit. Whoo Hoo! I was excited! I love them they are so dear to my heart. They have a piece of my heart. They comforted my aches and pains in sweet letters that i've read numerous times in hours of darkness. They have waited so patiently for this sweet angel to be in their lives. . They are the ones that will relay to my girl how much i love her. How much she is a part of me and my heart.

As the days dwindle down to just 3 I am overwhelmed. I find myself crying at every moment when im alone. I am nervous. I am scared. I am aching.

The last times Ive went and visited the Iggys, I left fine. Well the blessing wasnt perfect in anyway. It was emotional and I didnt say goodbye in the best way. None the less it was on my terms I guess. I was the one leaving her happy house, seeing how happy she was in that little house with her ever so loving parents. I was the one buckling myself into the car and driving away.

In 3 days I am going to have to buckle her in all over again and send her on her way. I could compare this feeling to the feeling of leaving the hospital with yourself in one car and your baby in another. That was my goodbye. That was my see you soon. I am scared to relive that. To hug the Iggys goodbye.. This goodbye is going to be just as painful as the first and I cant find anyway to prepare myself for it. .

Its going to be amazing to see her. To kiss her. To tell her how much I love her. To just hold that piece of my heart and feel whole for just one minute. .

Going Private

2010-03-19T14:32:00.000-07:00

I never felt the need to make my blog private until now.

There has been some comments from a blogger I dont know that are in chinese or japanese, im not sure. but I dont like it. It freaks me out that someone reads my blog and writes these weird little comments. If I could identify this person I would, but their blog is also in whatever language and has no pictures or anything. So i feel kinda freaked out.

send me your addresses if youd like to read my blog still :)

My Littlest Love kristofer

2010-03-02T19:41:00.000-08:00

Kristofer totally put me in my place tonight and he doesnt even know it. This morning I was ever so frustrated with him. Our mornings around here are very crazy. I leave my house to drive to Andys to pick him up BY 7. No later than 7:10. We go by the gas station religiously, drop kristofer off at school at exactly 7:35 right as the gates open to get Andy to work by 8. After that I head to wherever my day is taking me. Well this morning as we are walking out the door, already late mind you, kristofer shows me the snack bag for school and says its his turn to bring snack! I was like ugh I know I looked in your back pack how could I of missed it! I was a little irritated with him but instead of the gas station we stopped by the store super quick run in only 10 minutes later than usual. I pick him up from school ( a VERY short break from my Child Development homework) and he says asks if he can have the extra oreos i didnt send to school because they didnt eat his snack. I ask why. He tells me it wasnt really his day, he has had that bag at home for a long time but kept forgetting it.. Again frustration.

Fast forward to tonights homework with him. He has to draw a picture of the family tallest to shortest. of course it went like this Grandpa. Uncle Paulie,Uncle Ben,. Aunt Emilee. Mommy. Aunt Cristal. Grandma. Aunt Julia, and Kristofer

His reply to why he drew the faces he did, Granpa was laughing .uncle paul was sad, uncle ben is always mad at him and aunt emilee is ALWAYS smiling.. it just was a real eye opener to how much he really pays attention. How much he really picks up on. I need to stop being so frustrated to quick and realize that he is just 6. he just wants love just like everyone else. I love him. He is such a sweet boy. He is my most favorite little! kristofer david I love you! xoxo mommy

(one more short rant. sharing a child with someone is hard! especially when that someone thinks kindergarten is a joke)

2010-03-02T15:17:00.000-08:00

My hope for today is that one day no one will use the phrase " You gave your baby away"

Or tell me they are sorry I had to do that..

I didn't "give" my baby away. I "gave" her a chance at a better life.

& no! I don't want your "i'm sorry" because I didn't "have" to do anything. I chose my path.

People are really ignorant and i'm dead sick of their stupid comments.
I know it shouldn't bother me but it does, badly.
it makes me angry when someone says
"im sorry you had to give your daughter away"

News flash I chose to give her a better life.

2010-02-28T16:41:00.000-08:00

the caption read "Kisses" my beautiful angel sending me kisses! love her!

Today i am feeling rather ....sensitive.

I was reading a blog (of course one about adoption) because that is all I ever do when my handy blackberry is in hand.

She wrote a post about how it is not just the birth mother that hurts and has a loss, buts also the child. One Adoptive Mother left a comment that said when she first got her baby she cried every time the baby cried thinking that he did not know them, that he was looking for that familiar voice that hes heard the last nine months.

I will never forget my very first night home. A few people had stopped by and my amazing friend Jenea was sitting on the couch and we were just talking, my mother on the other side of me. Suddenly I just broke into a hysterical cry. I was so scared for my precious baby girl. I was so afraid that maybe she was afraid because she didnt know them! She didnt know their voices. I wanted to be able to calm her if she was upset, to tell her one last time that it was all going to be ok. She was so good in the hospital for our 3 day stay. I dont think she cried ever!

A quick text to the Iggys confirmed that she was perfect. I felt crazy. I felt like I shouldnt be bothering them but it was in fact the only thing that could calm me down, when I was afraid for my little girl.

The 2 year mark has recently passed for when that little girl started her 9 month stay in my tummy. I see myself sometimes falling back into those bad habits, falling back into that very very dark place that I thought I was stuck in. This time around though im not going to sit and drown again. Im going to take the steps and start changing what im doing so that im never in that place again.

Someone is watching out for me. I dont know how they do it but it seems EVERY time im having a rough day or just wishing I could whisper i love you in that little ear, the Iggys will randomly send a picture. The other night I got one that sent me over the top with a huge smile on my face! The Iggys had no idea that I had been planning on asking them if I could come up for a quick visit in march. Lizzy called to ask if they could come see me!!! WHAT?! Seriously you guys want to come see me! um are you crazy yes! Lizzy is always so cute she always asks if its ok if she calls. I always reassure her that her calls dont bring me down they make my day! They make me smile! They send me into giddy excitement! March 27th is the day and I cant wait!!!! I am so excited i t consumes my thoughts on a regular basis! Kristofer is also beyond excited. He is so stinking cute when he always wants to go see her, and asks about her. He took a picture to school so he could show everyone his sister. The way he just explains things is adorable.

One month and that little ear will be all mine to say as many i love you's as i can possible fit in!

2010-02-16T19:04:00.000-08:00

Love Him! I was feeling a little down & text Andy, telling him that when I went to take him some dinner I needed a good laugh to cheer me up.. Not even 10 minutes later he tells me to check my email & this is what I received! I am still cracking up! I love him. Thanks Babe for making me feel better!

Homework stinks! I swear its hard to get back in the groove of school when you havent been for what 6 yrs!

Another happy note for those of you who dont follow my facebook.. i got the best, most amazing news a couple nights ago. Its kinda a secret & i am trying not to get too excited (which isnt working its all I think about & talk about)

Josh & Lizzy want to come visit me!!!!!! I cant wait to see them & that beautiful Princess!!! I am blessed to have such great friends in the Iggys. They are sooo good to me. They say adoption is about love & yes it is. Not just from the birthmother, but from every one involved. Thank you Josh & lizzy for going above & way beyond anything that I have ever asked. I love you guys!

Now to get back to my homework..

2010-02-02T19:01:00.001-08:00

On Sunday Andy & i were just having random conversation about absolutely nothing, yet everything at the same time. My favorite kind of talks with him. It seems we are always finding out new things about each other. He said to me that I have never really talked to him about he relationship that I was in when this sweet girl came into my life. Those days are so hard for me to think about. When I do i realize what a sad, dark place I was in, & i thank heavens for this unplanned 'crisis' pregnancy. It scares me to think of where I would be if this sweet Angel had not come into my life. I miss her so much. Yet I wouldnt change the world for the new life she gave me.. Thats right, giving her life, also gave me a new chance at life I didnt know I had.

I love you Mara Jane.

2010-02-02T18:41:00.000-08:00

i miss the girl.
its moments when life slows down for just a second that i realize.
i looked at the iggys blog the other day.
so many updates.
so many pictures of my sweet angel.
i asked andy as we sat watching..
"can you believe that i made that girl?
can you believe that she is mine?"

his response was something along the lines of
"yes, when are you giving me mine"

life has been busy.
too busy to mourn the loss of things that are unsaid right now.
things that i cant really understand.
but its in these little slow moments that i wish i had something going on.

i can feel a break down coming.
not sure when..
all i can say is that im tired of crying over loss of babies.

i thought i was doing good,
but now i just miss my princess even more.

2010-01-23T15:06:00.000-08:00

For all my fabulous readers
just figured i'd update ya'll about my crazy beautiful life.
1. i start school next month! i am feeling anxious
(next semester i might even jump into a class on campus WOAH)
2. kristofer is doing great in kindergarten.
he is always excited to go to school & rarely complains.
(boy I am lucky)
3. life on the sofa couch is restless.
I am always waiting for the final person to go to sleep,
& always up with the very first person .. yawn
4. My beloved Andrew... i love him.
we have had our moments but who hasnt *honestly*
at my maddest moment I can still name more reasons i love him than why I hate him.
& i cant see anyone making me smile more than he does.
5. next month marks 2 (yes 2) years of conceiving The Girl.
man oh man i cant believe she is getting so big,
time is a flyin'
.....i miss her more than ever lately....
6. work is slow
but i enjoy the time i get to spend with my sister.
One day we WILL have the Katt & Rachael show.

xoxoxox

2010-01-05T19:31:00.000-08:00

Todays the day I do something about it. I am done sitting around waiting for *someone to change so I can get on with what I want in life. Im almost 25 & my parents didnt raise me to live the way I have. They didnt teach me to let people walk on me, or let myself take care of everyone before I take care of myself. I am tired of it. I applied for some jobs today ( I hope everyone prays I get one, wink wink) & with the help of my lovely sister I applied for school. I dont think there is any reason for me with my work experience & life experience that I should be living with my parents with no car. I am excited to be on this new road of happiness. All I have ever wanted in life was to be happy.I can stand by the fact that lately I have been hoping for someone else to make me happy, for someone to change & realize what he is going to be loosing. But I am tired of waiting & i know I alone can be happy. Ill tell you at the lowest part of my life, after I cleaned it up & realized I wasnt settling anymore, I was the happiest ive ever been. I was the most happy when I was pregnant with my sweet sweet girl. Some think how could I ever be happy, pregnant & alone. Truth is I wasnt alone. I had my sweet son, my precious angel, amazing family & Josh & Lizzy. All those people were all I needed & i was happy. I am excited to get my own place & get life together & not let it fall apart again for the millionth time it seems! Some exciting things are happening, also some very hard things. I know I have been through harder things, i have weathered harder storms all I have to say is * tomorrows another day, im thirsty any way, so bring on the rain *

2010-01-03T10:54:00.001-08:00

Precious Mara, i miss you so badly today. I miss your little cry & your pirate eye. I miss the very first moment I held you, & the very last kiss I gave you. I miss feeding you your bottle & getting you dressed. Your growing into a girl with so much personality & im sad I cant be around more to see it. I love you.

2009-12-26T17:25:00.000-08:00

im just flat tired of being put second.
it seems like oh hey ya we can hang out.
wait imma go do this better thing than ill come see you.
im not the only female with the problem.
it seems guys these days are all jerks.
no matter what.
its like somewhere guys being born after 1980
got the "im refusing to let my friends go" gene
& "i refuse to be tied down" gene
somewhere a healthy relationship consists of
*spending minimal time together
*having your very own life that doesnt involve the other person
* & not keeping plans.
im so frustrated i could cry
im so tired of being let down that now im just done expecting anything

The less you expect the less you hurt.

Christmas Has Come & Passed

2009-12-25T18:33:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas everyone! I cant believe its another year gone! Wow where has the time went. My beloved family left for California this morning early so Christmas was just Andy, Kristofer & I. I cant say that I've had a better Christmas than the one I had this year. Kristofer lucked out with some Ben 10 guys, tech dechs & ramp, clothes & other random things that 6 year old boys think make their days so much easier. I got Andy some new clothes & cologne. He was such a sweet heart blessed me with socks, a belt & a Weezer shirt -my all time favorite band- & this beautiful ring with a January stone in it for the month we started dating. We headed out to the dog park & spent sometime at his house with his brother Grady. Rachael made some delicious dinner and the kids had a good time playing. Now Im home making sure the mess is cleaned up from breakfast and presents. About ready to pop in a movie and cuddle up in my blankets on the couch. I hope everyone had a great Christmas like I did!

P.s All through the day I have received pictures of the most beautiful Princess who is growing ever so fast! It just puts the biggest brightest smile on my face seeing how she is big enough to open her presents & loves to carry a purse! Aw I cant wait until i can visit her again. Im sure she is like a whole different baby! I didnt realize how much i am missing her until i started to write this. She is such a blessed little girl . Josh & Lizzy are so wonderful to me!

2009-12-11T13:12:00.000-08:00

Everythings a little messy around my life these days, but i can always count on this to make me smile & remember the great blessings in my life! What a beautiful little family!

2009-12-07T11:19:00.001-08:00

The big Beautiful Family.

Sometimes i wonder where on earth this kid came from! I swear no less then 15 pictures & a threatened bed time & a spankin. We got none with us both smiling. Everyone was laughing so he just kept on going with the faces. I swear if anyone knows where he came from let me know!

2009-11-10T14:34:00.000-08:00

Today is the day I left the hospital with MY beautiful daughter, & placed her with Josh & Lizzy as THEIR beautiful daughter.

So many memories today. Getting my angel dressed in her special going home outfit. The car drive over to LDS Family Services. Sitting with Josh & Lizzy talking, cuddling the girl. Handing Mara to her Mom. Hugging when I was about to leave without my most precious item I had walked in there with. Driving home. Opening the gifts Josh & Lizzy had given me. The one that stands out most & forever will be in my mind is when I was sitting on the couch next to my mom about an hour after I had first gotten home... I got scared that Mara was scared. I was afraid she didnt know them. She didnt know their voices. That she wasnt used to them, she was used to me. ...

Now I can sit and realize that she did know them.
She wasnt afraid.
She knew that this was her plan before she was even born.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARA

2009-11-08T16:11:00.000-08:00

The day has come. Beautiful Mara is no longer a baby she is a toddler! A year old and walking like crazy! I was in awe when I got some pictures from Josh & Lizzy from her first birthday party! This morning as I was getting ready for church, Lizzy called. How thoughtful for her to call and and ask if I wanted to talk to the sweet girl on her birthday! I was in a little bit of shock and trying my dang hardest not to start crying! My heart is so very full with love for Josh & Lizzy and their thoughtfulness and love for me. I was afraid today was going to be full of tears and sadness, but instead my heart is so full. Today was a great day and I wouldnt of asked for two better parents for my sweet angel!

Mara Jane, i love you! I miss you ever so dearly! It will never be said enough. You have grown into such a beautiful little girl over the last year! More precious than I ever thought possible!

2009-11-06T16:21:00.000-08:00

The tears are plenty today.
Its been a very long week of TAN DUVETS!
A long week counting down the days til Miss Mara turns one.
I havent posted Halloween pictures, soon, i promise.
I knew a package was coming.
All week I have been wondering what it was going to hold.
Josh & Lizzy always send the sweetest things
& the nicest notes.
So I have been anxious. . .
I arrive home & just feel like I need to check the mail.
There is was a little white box.
No one is home which I am glad for.
Inside I find a gift bag, so cute, for her birthday party.
Two CD's, 1 for Kristofer pictures of her & him.
Another with pictures from when she was born & just little.
* by this time I am sobbing *
2 letters....
First from Lizzy, she tells me how glad she is to "know" me,
she says Mara is like me, skeptical grin, easy laugh, resilient & happy.
& that Mara always gets 2 kisses in the morning & the night from her.
Second from Josh, he says thank you for their little princess,
how fulfilling this year has been for him,
& how beautiful his Lizzy is being a mother.

I just want to say, that when I state that I miss Mara, its not a miss like I want her back or regret, I just miss her, I miss Josh & Lizzy in the same way. From May to November I formed a bond with two completely strangers that no one really understands, except us.

Every single day I pray & hope that Lizzy is giving her that extra kiss from me * & i got that conformation today *. The last couple days have been filled with emotion & memories leading up to her birth 1 year ago. The emotional preparations I was going through, hoping I could get through the next step of getting her to her family. I dont think of Mara as my daughter, she is Lizzys & Joshs daughter. They are her mom & dad. She is My Angel, I am not her mom. I am in Josh's words :: The Woman who had enough Faith, Courage, & Love to make an Eternal Family :: & I wouldnt change it for the world!!!

Yes, my heart aches, I am only human. My heart also SHINES! When I see that smile, my heart lights up, my face gets those dimples that only show when I smile a honest happy smile. Although she is so many miles away, & kisses are far between, she brightens every single day for me! She is a joy in my life, she is one of the two reasons I'm striving to be the best I possibly can.

Nothing Better To Do But Blog..

2009-10-19T09:01:00.000-07:00

5 snacks i enjoy:
1. Chips, Chips, Chips
2. tomatoes & salt
3. pretzels & cheese

4. avocados.
5. beef jerky

5 things on my to-do list today:
1. laundry
2. blog a little
3. read
4. organize the 'clothes/toy corner'
5. take a nappy

5 things I would do if I were a billionaire:
1. buy a house
2. pay off all debt ..
3. buy some babies
4. invest in what im not sure but something
5. donate.

5 jobs that i have had:
1. Papa Kelseys
2. Post Office
3. Childrens Safari
4. Wal Mart
5. Pillow Talk

5 bad habits of mine:
1. Biting my nails
2. not asking for help when i need it.
3. thinking i can just fix my problems by ignoring them.
4. looking in the baby section everytime.
5. procrastination.

5 places i have lived:
1. Mesa
2. Apache Junction
3. Tucson
4. Mesa
5. Mesa

5 songs I love:

1. Fifteen- taylor swift

2. You dont know me - Ben folds

3. Paparazzi -lady gaga

4. Fidelity - Regina spektor

5. Wrong turn - jack johnson

5 places I want to visit:

1. hawaii

2. paris

3. amsterdam

4. germany

5. china

5 things I want to accomplish in life:

1. finish school for my undecided future

2. being a FABULOUS wife.

3. being a great mommy.

4. truly being happy with ME.

5. have a room full of beautiful pictures, quotes & chairs

2009-10-16T21:18:00.001-07:00

"A Birthmother puts the needs of her child above the wants of her heart"
Skye Hardwick

HAPPY 11 MONTHS MISS MARA JANE!

2009-10-07T17:06:00.000-07:00

No words can describe this girl

Adorable

I LOVE THIS GIRL!

I know I am a day early but ..
Happy 11 Months My Girl!
Beautiful, Perfect, Amazing, Gorgeous, Laughter, Brightness,
Angel, Heavenly, Smiles, Happiness, LOVE.
I can go on forever with the words that come to my mind
when I see this adorable face.
My heart is full today with love for that girl!
In one month she will be a year old.
I am in a way trying to put time on hold
while i ponder what that day is going to be like.
November is going to be a hard one.
Im sure it will be filled with many many posts of
last years events.

Miss Mara Jane,
I love you! I miss you!
I am lucky that I have the relationship that I have with your parents!
I am truly blessed that you came into my life.
I couldn't of asked for a more beautiful gift.
Not one minute of any day has went by in the last 11 months
that I havent thought of you.
That I havent ached to kiss you or hold you.
I am truly lucky that your mommy and daddy give you enough love for all of us.
I love you my sweet angel!

2009-10-06T14:20:00.001-07:00

i am: stubborn, feisty, strong willed, & hardheaded
i think: tomorrow is always better than today
i know: i need to be stronger in a lot of ways
i want: to get married again
i have: dreams of a black wedding dress!
i wish: it would rain
i dislike: pregnant woman
i miss: mara jane
i fear: no one will give me babies
i feel: like things are falling into place FINALLY
i hear: the water running
i smell: air
i crave: water
i usually: cant fall asleep in the pitch dark
i search: for reasons why people do things
i wonder: if its going to work out
i regret: that i didnt say goodbye in a better way
i love: kristofer david sluyter
i care: what people think too much
i always: play with my hair
i worry: that ill be an old cat lady
i am not: weak anymore
i remember: it like it was yesterday.....
i believe: that its not goodbye its see you soon
i dance: whenever there is music on!
i sing: to the radio far too loud
i don’t always: do what i know i should
i argue: open adoption
i write: about everything
i win: never
i lose: a lot
i never:want to hurt again
i listen: very well
i don't understand: why people cheat
i can usually be found: on the couch reading
i am scared: of being alone
i need: kristofers smile daily
i forget:everything
i am happy about: the fact that i am stronger today than i ever thought i would be!

Sorry...

2009-10-06T13:44:00.000-07:00

FIRST
Im sorry to all pregnant woman who read my blog

SECOND
Today I hate pregnant girls

THE END

...no need to read...

2009-10-04T20:44:00.000-07:00

the reason im writing on my blog is because my journal is in storage and i just needed to get some stuff out!

This weekend i went to the cabin with Diane and the kids.
It was a lot of fun.
The kids played outside, the weather was super nice.
We made some great food and just hung out.

We had some great talks..
i love Di.
I love who she is as a person, a mother, a friend.. she is fun.
Di seems to be where I was almost two years ago.
Crying countless nites alone,
wondering why im just not good enough
for anyone to fight for, why am i so disposable.
she hasnt yet grasp that its okay to be alone.
that it shouldnt take someone else to make her happy
she should be loving herself and not worrying about otheres.

As i sat with her and just was so frustrated because she is better than that.
i realized im falling back into that same girl.
dependent on others for my smile, for my great mood.
i dont want to be that girl anymore. EVER AGAIN!

It breaks my heart to see her hurt,
i get so frustrated and want to scream at her because she is better than this.

i sat and told her about how when i got pregnant
i had no other choice but to be alone
it wasnt going away.
when i woke up that baby was still gonna be there
and i was still gonna be alone
i had to force myself to accept it.
& i can look back and see that those were the happiest days of my life
the happiest i have ever been was when i wasnt dependent on anyone else

i dont know how to get back to that.
i sit and tell Di she is so much better
but how do i take my own advice?
its a lot harder than it seems

its been 11 months since i have been that happy
my mara took a part of my happiness with her when she left
i want to fill it up with a new happiness
one that isnt produced by one else but me

im pretty sure im destined to be single FOREVER!
and i think thats ok
single fits me
..

2009-10-02T11:04:00.000-07:00

I should be packing...
but instead i decided to update my blog.

going up north with Di & her honey & her kids
Kristofer is beyond excited he didnt want to go to school.
but he has already missed two days this week.
Sick. he was sick..

Btw i am NOT turning lesbian Audra.
Di gets me.
hangs out with me when im feeling sad
even wears her hair in a side pony tail just to see me smile again.
I can be a crying wreck and think that no one is going to understand
why i am crying for no good reason,
and she gets it.
Makes me go out even when I dont want to.
Shes fun, although not lesbian lol

i have been missing the girl
often i think * how did I ever do it *
next month is one year.
where has the time gone!
i miss my pregnant belly
her wigglin around in there
....

over the saddness
gotta go shower
and pack ..

My mom never lets me have any fun
just so everyone knows!

xoxox
The Princess

2009-09-27T12:43:00.000-07:00

Random Venting

2009-09-26T19:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i just dont know...
you would think that me of all people would learn my lesson.
I would get it.
I wouldn't want to walk back down the road I have so many times.
I'm having a rough time with Andy.

Why is it that i so willingly give my whole self to someone
and the only thing they give back is more heart ache than the last.

I feel sad for him that he will never truly love.
That he assumes lust as love.
He so easily let his lust for someone else get the best of him.
Regardless of the girl that was at home,
the girl that was working so very hard to make sure we stayed a float
when he didn't want to work.

Now today I sit..
He sent a text he deleted all pictures off his phone and myspace.
No big deal to anyone else right?
Well when asked to do the same i couldn't.
I sat and looked and realized that was a memory.
It was a time when i felt happy.

I hope this time around i get it..
i don't want to walk down this road of hurt anymore
I so badly don't want to be here ever again.

Andy-
i love you. I will always love you. You brought out a side of me I didn't know was there. You helped me realize its okay to not have a plan, its okay to spend even when you shouldn't. Life is too short to sit and dwell on everything wrong. I want to see that guy again someday. That guy that made me smile. The guy that tried to be something else because he wanted to impress me that very first night. I hope you find that guy and give him fully to the next person who loves you as much as i love that guy....

The Little Things..

2009-09-22T15:44:00.000-07:00

Yep see that boy? Thats why shes banging on the window..
Josh and Lizzy you guys sure are in trouble with this girl!

Last night I was just sitting around with my friend Di, and I get this ever to random text. Let me first explain that this kind of random text are perfect! They put a smile on my face from ear to ear. Of course it was from Josh & Lizzy! Dang I just love them! They are so sweet to me!

Mara Janes 10 Favorite Things at 10 Months
1. She loves ice cold water (it must have ice)
2.She likes toast (but first licks the jam off)
3. She bangs on the wall in the morning when she is ready to get up or yells DAD, DAD because Dad gets her up)
4.Her newest feat -as of yesterday- is crawling up the stairs \ rather quickly
5. She loves baths
6.She loves loves to be outside
7. She can sign "more" & does it immediately after every bite, when she really likes something ( like right now as Liz is feeding her yogurt)
8. She calls the dog by his name, Brody -or rather "Bow-ee"
9.She loves being around other kids
10. She loves to watch football with her daddy, especially in her cowboys jersey

This my friends is one of the many reasons I am lucky. A reason why I would tell anyone to choose Adoption. A reason I just think Mara has the best parents! A reason that I call Josh & Lizzy family!
I love you guys thank you for making my day!

Oh Life

2009-09-18T15:50:00.000-07:00

Ugh today has been one of those days..
im sure it has a lot to do with the fact that its been a rough week.
Andy and I have parted ways,
and so have my job and myself.
Both are good changes.
I cant decide what career i want to do now,
but i dont think its in child care.
yes i love it and want to further my education
but at the end of such a long day i am stressed
any little thing kristofer does makes me want to scream!
I am sad that andy and i have to be apart
and cant even be friends
i wish that there was more nice things i could say
but at this moment there is nothing worth saying.
except i wish him the best.. with his many girlfriends
*that he thought I wouldnt find out about*
okay maybe im a little bitter...

I have had some nice chats with a friend from my teenage yrs lately
he has been making me see that i have been putting up with dirt.
it is so sad to report that when someone says nice things to me
it makes me cry more than the mean things.
today i had my friend Di's kids ::2 & 3 ::
we went about our day picked up kristofer
got snacks drove around * yes it 3 kids makes a very loud car ride *
i texted him and said that three kids was a lot to handle
his reply literally made my heart skip
* your a strong person & if anyone can do it its you *
lately i havent been feeling that great about anything
and its nice to know that there is someone who sees what im doing
and maybe thinks its ok.

Audra also wrote a very sweet post on the blog
about her amazing birthmothers
that brought me right back to that day at Joes.
last yr i had two best friends
who were expecting their very first baby
and i was expecting the most changing event in my life
we all got though it ok..

the r house

2009-09-17T09:09:00.000-07:00

I am a follower of a blog "the r house"
I have a button on my page that goes to their page
EVERYONE I know and who follows my blog should read
& follow this blog

I dont know them personally,
but my heart aches for the struggles they are going through

in my very own situation with Mara
I would NOT give anyone false hope
I would NOT give any couple a letter until I knew
that Maras birth father had no more rights

for me to think about what they are going through saddens me
I pray that their baby gets the blessings his birth mother wanted for him

.....

:: TODAY ::

2009-09-15T10:24:00.000-07:00

I feel the need to express this..
I AM PROUD TO BE A BIRTH MOTHER!

Some day's I cant think of many things I am proud of myself for,
but today I am proud that I can say
I'M A BIRTH MOTHER!

10 Whole Months Ago..

2009-09-08T13:52:00.000-07:00

304 days ago..
doesnt really seem that long ago.
that cry, that smell, that sweet baby skin...
everytime i think it gets easier every emotion is pushed back into my heart.
all the aches, all the tears, all the baby giggles im missing out on,
are worth it though.

the joy i gave to two people.
the joy i gave to that girl,
by simply giving life!

somedays i get so angry!
I dont know how anyone in their right mind could not give life!
it makes me angry when i think of it.
when i hear people talk of it.
its such a simple thing,
just giving life..

I feel so many different emotions today. I am so grateful for Josh & Lizzy. So grateful they opened their hearts to me. So much fear on both sides that i think we both overcame.. I know i couldnt of overcome that fear without them. Josh & Lizzy I love you your simply amazing

My heart hurts a little. I miss her.

Miss Mara Jane happy 10 months!
I love you!
I miss you!
I hope your always told how much your Birthmother loves you.
& i hope you always get that kiss thats just from me!

Look Look Look

2009-08-12T19:59:00.000-07:00

Josh & Lizzy took Mara to Bear Lake where they have land and one day will have a home. I cant believe how big she is and how much she has grown.

From baby to best in moments..

Oh my gosh! Look at that girl! I am speachless. I have so much to say but emotions are high today so im not sure if this will be a long post...

I have been missing Lizzy & Josh..I felt like i shouldnt be saying that but some how someone up there knew i needed to hear some sweet words. All i can say is thank you Lizzy you made my day....

He took that leap...

2009-08-10T20:03:00.000-07:00

and did great..

Kristofer had his very first day of school today.
As it was Josh's week we played the little game as always,
he didnt know what time he was taking him blah blah blah
To the good part,
I cried the whole way to the school,
everyone said ::do not cry in front of him ::
as im hugging him on the playground my eyes are just moist.
HOW AM I NOT SUPPOSED TO CRY?!?
He walked right into his class,
his teacher gave him his name tag and that was it.
He took that little hand and wiped my kiss off.
Oh man..
as i walked out the classroom down the hall
i noticed that i was not the only mom crying in the hall.
thankfully

Kristofer my little :: you are always my little.
you will always be my little
no matter what sorry...
i love you big boy

My little is no longer little...

2009-07-20T13:41:00.000-07:00

Ugh my little beast is no longer going to be my little beast anymore. August 10th 2009 my darling sweet Kristofer will have his very first day of kindergarten. Ugh I cant even think about it without my eyes tearing up. Where has the time gone from just turning two and loving Finding Nemo to now five and loving nothing but Batman, Superman, and Spiderman. He has grown from the smallest most loving little chunk i have ever set eyes on, to a macho boy who fights me day in and day out to wear ripped jeans and guitar hero shirts everyday! He just wants to "look cool" as he says. I dread the day that he will wipe off my kisses or tell me not to hug him goodbye when I drop him off somewhere. He is my baby, my one and only baby and now he is growing into a boy a little rambuncious superhero loving boy.. Oh Kristofer my boy i love you, please stop growing your giving me baby fever!

2009-07-14T18:49:00.000-07:00

I know its been a minute since I have updated my blog.
Truth is nothing to update sadly.
I received a text from Lizzy that said Mara is crawling.. finally.
No new pictures.
As soon as I am updated I will be updating.
.........

I LOVE MY DADDY!

2009-06-21T19:18:00.000-07:00

I LOVE MY DAD.
Today he referred to me by my whole name Princess Katt.
Not just to me, in sacrament meeting during his talk.
He told a very sweet story that did make my eyes get leaky,
but i couldnt let it show, in true Gillespie fashion.
Over the years I have put my dad through some "stuff"
rough not so nice "stuff"
i am fortunate enough to have a forgiving dad.
who loves me even though i break his heart sometimes.
who took me to vegas,
and has shared a very rough time with me.
thank you for your many blessings,
the few times you said I love you,
even to just make Emilee mad :)
Thank you daddy for being a great example.
For leading me the best you knew how.
And supporting & loving me through all i do.

2009-06-20T18:35:00.000-07:00

The Legacy of a Child in an Open Adoption

By Brenda Romanchick

Once there were two expectant mothers.
One carried and cared for you beneath her beating heart
She became your Birthmother.

The other carried the hope of you within her.
She became your Mom.

As the days passed, and you grew bigger and stronger,
Your Birthmother knew that she could not give you all you needed after your birth.
Meanwhile, your Mom was ready and waiting for you.

One day your Birthmom and your Mom found each other.
They looked into each other’s eyes and saw a friend.
Your Birthmom saw the life your Mom could give you.
Your Mom saw how much your Birthmom loved and cared for you.

They decided that what you needed was both kinds of love in your life.

So now you have two families,
One by birth, the other by adoption.

And you have a home where you can get:
your questions answered,
your boo boos bandaged,
your heartaches soothed,
And much needed hugs.

And a place where you can find:
answers to your questions,
your image in the mirror,
a part of yourself,
And much needed hugs.

Two different kinds of families
Two different kinds of love
Both a part of you

2009-06-10T20:29:00.001-07:00

As everything draws closer it brings me to remember...

2009-06-04T12:25:00.001-07:00

Ill never forget that day.
Memorial Day 2008.
Went to the river tubing,
had a fight with Jordan,
Got coffee with my friend Sean,
& went to mom & dads for the comfort of their home.
For only a week had I been looking.
Emilee & I sat at the computer.
Countless faces that just yearn for a baby.
I had it all figured out.
A clear image of what I thought they would be.
What I needed for my daughter.
If it wasnt going to be me parenting her,
it HAD to be someone just like me.
A father like mine.
A husband that I hoped one day to find.
& yet NO ONE seemed right.
.......
Than there it was,
A loving couple who still have time for cookies & milk.
They were beautiful.
I looked over their profile.
Read their personal letter.
They had a link to their blog.
The same blog I wonder to daily.
& I just knew.
There was no question in my mind.
Every birthmother says it the same way,
you just know.
I got very excited.
I had told myself that I would not write anyone
unless I was sure.
I didnt want to give anyone false hope.
So I wrote a simple email.
..........
3 days went by without an email.
I was confused.
Turns out it was sent to my junk mail lol.
We emailed and emailed.
I wanted to meet them.
June 21 2008.
We met for the very first time.
Joes Bbq in Gilbert.
I was nervous, scared, could hardly breath.
Nothing to be afraid of.
Just like 2 old friends,
we chatted for almost 3 hours.
Weekend came & went.
As everything is getting so close to the year mark.
I cant help but go back to those days.
The days of being pregnant & alone.
The days of fear of what was next,
what was gonna happen after?
June 6th 2009, Mara Jane is theirs.
Sealed & blessed and forever theirs.
The list of emotions is long as I prepare to leave.
Although I cant wait to see that beautiful face,
I am scared for the roller coaster of emotions
that I am so not prepared for,
in the next few days ahead.......

2009-05-31T14:03:00.000-07:00

Guess what?

WERE GOING TO VEGAS
IN 5 DAYS!
WHOO HOO
I AM SO STOKED!

Mara Update

2009-05-26T18:25:00.000-07:00

No doubt a Gillespie baby,
at heart!
She has the rolls to show it.
Beautiful Girl!
She is nearing 7 months!
I cant even believe it.
Where has the time gone?
9 days til Vegas!
I love you Mara Jane

Catching up!

2009-05-21T12:36:00.000-07:00

Kristofer now thinks he is a mountain man.

I cant even believe it!

He cracks me up!

I love this kid.

He is adorable and always keeps me on my toes!

Best part is he is a mamas boy

so he loves me best!

Its Final!

Josh & Lizzy had their court date 5/19,

Now Mara is officially theirs!

The wks are flying by!

Its getting super close to my next visit!

cant wait!

Kristofer is SUPER excited,

to see his sister!

Lets see in other news.....

I finally went back to group!

Man I have missed it!

I didnt realize and didnt want to but it was great.

Just sitting with girls that you KNOW are going through

or are about to go through

the same struggles you are

is comforting.

No one really gets it but them.

Birthmothers day * the saturday before mothers day*

was great! I got flowers from the Iggys

and a text filled with love!

They are so good to me.

Always so thoughtful.

Mothers day came and went.

Josh didnt give me Kristofer til late.

Andy turned 23! Man he is getting old!

I bought him a RC Boat for his birthday.

He loves it more than me :(

Andy became an uncle again!

His brother's Lady had a pretty little girl Marley.

I finally took my very first visit to the hospital

it wasnt as bad as I was thinking it would be.

Kristofer only has 2 more soccer games.

Last week he totally kicked butt and won his game 8 to 2!

That kid is gonna go places!

Andy and I are doing great.

He is currently building a dirt jump in the back yard!

Ugh that stresses me out!

Im counting down the days and its only 15 til Vegas!

2009-05-06T14:03:00.000-07:00

Somedays it just hits me like a ton a of bricks.
Friday was on of those days.
A very sweet letter from Josh & Lizzy sent me into a weeping mess.
Today a video of her laughing on their blog has done the same.
She is growing ever so quickly.
Sittin up and laughing.

It just aches somedays,
to know that very first laugh had to be heard over video,
that her very first steps will im sure be the same.

I am FOREVER greatful that I can be able to see those videos
and am still able to see her grow,
but that pain is just there still.

6 monthes has come way too fast.
I feel everytime a new challenge comes im starting grieving all over again.
I know its because I havent ever let myself deal with it completely.
In one month I will be holding that girl again.
Kissing her sweet face and hearing that laugh all on my own!
Oh i cant wait.
Just the thought gives me that cheesy smile I cant hide!

it also brings on a whole new saddness and wonder.
When will I get to kiss her little cheeks again?

Today is one of those days.
I am counting down the hours til I get off work,
til im home all by myself,
so i can cry.
Today I just need to cry and miss that girl........

Thank You Dawn

2009-04-25T21:17:00.000-07:00

I have been into reading a lot lately. I just love it. Everyone is always shocked to see me with a book in my hand. One night I called Dawn and asked her for a good book. She gave me a book called "Love & Grace" Let me just tell you, Dawn you pulled on my heart strings. I have been having a hard time lately wondering why I had to go through this? Why everyday am I faced with such heart ache? I know why, there where two people that needed me. Two people that needed a baby that they could not give each other. Heavenly Father trusted me. He had enough faith and trust in me that I would deliver this beautiful girl to where she needed to be. That after she was done helping me with my own life that she would be with her rightful family. Some days its so hard. I dont even know how i got through those moments in the hospital. How I willingly handed her to another woman and put such faith in her to love her like I would.... In the next month I will be able to know that Mara is where she is supposed to be. That because Josh & Lizzy have lived their life int he way they should their daughter will be theirs forever!

2009-04-22T20:30:00.000-07:00

I tried to convince Mom a while back that if I just try hard to forget it will go away. . .
She being the brilliant Mother she is let me know that wont happen. . . .
I have finally got around to actually making time for Group.
I so dearly miss the other girls, and just being around them,
knowing that there is someone that feels what I do on a daily basis.
Hopefully it will help.
I have not been doing so great lately.

Spent Easter at Andy's Aunt Kathys home.
Went to his sisters dance concert!
She is an amazing dancer.
Kristofer is in soccer! Can you believe that!
He is a great little guy.

Mara's adoption is getting super close to being finalized.
Looks like I will be taking a trip the start of June.
She will be sealed and blessed in the same weekend!
What a blessing to know Mara will have her Eternal Family.

I have nothing really to update otherwise.
Life is flying by.

2009-04-12T22:09:00.000-07:00

This was the sight five months ago today.
The hardest, saddest, toughest day of my life.
Nothing will ever compare to the pain I felt that day,
All with just a signing of my name.
You are no longer her mother
Will forever remain in my mind.
The Twelve of every month is never through,
Until those words have rung in my ears.
The Eight is always a sad day, but also happy.
I gave life that day.
Four days later I gave it away.

2009-04-03T18:50:00.000-07:00

Frogs no more,
I have found my prince!
A lovely girl like myself
Deserves someone just as lovely.
Andy picked me up from work with this in his car.
We have been together 3 months today.
I can say I couldn't feel happier.
He is that one guy who appreciates me,
loves me with all my faults,
even looks at them in a positive way!
Andy I love you!
Thank you for putting up with me,
standing by my side
supporting everything I do,
and just loving me.
A girl like me just needs someone to love her
now im ready to give you anything
and everything you need!

2009-03-31T20:09:00.000-07:00

I AM BLESSED..

To have Kristofer's Kisses.
That Andy puts up with my moodiness.
That Emilee has pillow fights with me when I need put in line.
To have good friends.
To have a HUGE loving family,
and to be able to create families.